Sounder SIGN UP FOR FREE
Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast

Episode 47 · 8 months ago

Beauty and the Beast S3:E3 - Sploosh and Vibrating Fanny Packs

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Beauty and the Beast S3:E3 - Sploosh and Vibrating Fanny Packs Welcome to the Beauty and the Beast Show! Beauty and the Beast is a show with comedian, Kristine Knowlton (Beauty) and comedian Mark Hills (Beast) coming together to make and create a show about nothing and everything in between! Please sit back and enjoy some of their best comedic diarrhea! Disclaimer: For best results play the whole show backwards with the sound completely turned off. Feel free to drop them some hate mail at beautyandthebeastshow69@gmail.com Find Us: www.beautyandthebeastshow.com

Coming to you almost live from lake side. Hello everyone, and welcome back to the beauty and the beast show. WHOO. I'm Christine no I will be your host for this first part of the show, and boy have we got a show lined up for you tonight. I can hardly wait to get started. But first here's a word from our sponsor, Harry lose. Harryt is Jersey's leading sex shop and porno emporium, with so many fantastic items you'll be banging until the cows come home. Those hurry is the only place you can find officially licensed Harry Potter Magic Wands, all new poop emoji Butt plugs and glow in the dark and woe nipple clamps. But wait, there's more. That's right, Harry Lose Harriet is now the ex clusive sex shop for the beauty and the beast show. Products including Gorilla Goo, and the beauty and the beast show is proud to announce our newest sex product, bucket of SPLOSH. That's right, bucket of SPLOOSH is only available at Harry Loves Harriet stores. Blush is an amazing lubrihant and disinfectant that also makes a great floor Polish and window cleaner, add some sploosh to your coffee, bathe your dog in it and put some in your fuel tank to go that extra mile. SPLOOSH is manufactured using a secret process. It's no secret that bucket of splush is only available at Harry Loves Harriett. So keep on trucking and keep on fucking with the beauty and the beast show products. Oh my gosh, yes, bucket of SPLOOSH. Can you believe that? Yes, we have bucket of SPLOOSH. It takes me back, it does. It takes me back if you're just joining it and you have no idea what bucket of splushes or even what's flushes. Let's start at the beginning here, all right, for those of you just joining sploosh, it's just female ejaculation. Yes, that's right, we do it. It is not a myth. It is right there, rotten center. In fact, that's why I told beast that I was going to be putting the commercial there, right front and center, because you know that's where it should be. It should be right in the beginning, front and center. So yes, sploshing is just female ejaculation. If...

...you don't believe me just look it up. I like to call it. It does go by other names like squirting. Squirting, I think, gives that dirty or meaning. It does. It's like when you hear Squirt, it's like you definitely associate that with a bobbably function. Wait a minute, let me back that up. From the backside, not that kind of Squirt, not that kind of Squirre guys, oh, that is yet. No, like I said, let me back that up. Yes, squirting it. That's why I like spoosh. I think it sounds better. I also love the show archer. And you know, every time Pam says blush, it gets me sploshing and but no, I can actually sploosh. It's all good. Like I said, it's female ejaculation we're going to cover this year. We are going to focus and we are going to cover this. All right, so I'll paint you a pretty little picture with my paint brush, or my two fingers in this case. All right, imagine, if you will, an elephant taking his trunk, going down, dipping into some water, any water, bucket of water. Maybe that's what buckets blush comes from. Anyway, he dips it down in there, comes up, sprays it everywhere. That's right, guys, that's my vagina and something even funnier when I get going, and so help me, the something makes me give. I look like one of those sprinklers from a long time ago that had the wacky arms that just goes everywhere. All right, and with that much flution involved, you should really lay down the tarp because it's going to get messy in there. Better yet, good to a hotel. All right. So we have a couple shows, a couple things coming up. Firstly, tonight I will be joining Outcasalia at eight PM Eastern, right when this video drops. You're going to watch this video and then you're going to head to AL show. It's his sixty nine show and he loves anything but the words sixty nine in it. So I figured I would try a couple things out here. I've got my Ukulele, so I'm gonna play one of the PREX songs, because why the Hell not? So you do you have to love someone that loves sixty nine. You really really do. In fact, sixty nine is great. It's great for partners, whether your male female, Male, Male, female female. If your male goes like watch out when you're on top, because that Dick can gag someone. So make sure that your reflexes are good to go. That's all I'm saying. And if you SPLUCHE, like idea of which is a lot like buckets and buckets and buckets. It's like Niagara Falls, if you will, then at least get the person that you're with, get them a life vest, get them some goggles. Now...

...the goggles also apply guys. All right, how many have you had like explosive orgasms, like blue, I'm talking about Blue Ball, orgasms, like like it's been been in there so long and you're just fucking going to explode everywhere. This is also rated our show. I should said that up front. Damn it, I was so comed home on the sploshing I totally forgot about that. That's okay, anyway, we'RE gonna keep it rolling, am I right? So, yes, so, you guys. You know who you're I'm talking about, right, like the explosive kind of that. You're going to want to get your partner some goggles for that, because seamen fucking burns in the eyes. All right, that's one good thing about splooshing. It will drown you, but it won't blind you. That's a bad example. That's a very bad example. The Hell's my malfunction? We don't know. I'm over here writing sixty nine jokes. It's going to be fun. So I'm going to try this song really quickly. Let's see how it goes. It's sixty nine. Come and grab your friends where the sixty nine never ends with a six and nine. The Fun will never end. It's sixteen nine, all right, so that's a little in the making. There it is. It is, if you're wondering. Yes, that is the adventure of time theme song. Dear Lord, please don't see us. We're just having some fun, doing some parodies and everything at also, I did do a splooshing song. You may have heard it on catbox comedy earlier today when I was doing some Improv. We're going to do it again, though. This is for splooshing time, all right. It's blooshing time. Come and grab your friends where the splooshing never ends, with Christine Knowlton as the Sloush, the fun one never and it's blooshing time. I like that one, I really do. It's cute. I'm definitely getting more into it. So thank you for listening to that. If you have any more sixty nine jokes on the my way. It's going to be funny as hell. We're going to reiterate to it's like also later tonight, I guess about ten PM Eastern, and he cake me on the Tom Myers show, Tom Meyers versus the rest of the zoom comics. Yes, I think I have something for that. Let me see if I can find it. Right here, right here. Nope, I can't find it. Here we go. Okay, there we go. It's called Tom Myers versus the rest of the zoom comics. All right, you can catch me at both of those shows tonight. So come for the sixty nine one, stay for Tom Myers. It's great. Why not? All right, so let's pop that back off. Let's get...

...back into beauty and the beast. Smooth. It's been a while since we talked about sploosh. You know, I have a new joke for this. I do, I do. I don't have it memorized yet. It's not actually joke, it's actually something that did happen. Let me see. All right, you guys like you don't care if I talk about splush right. Well, I'll tell you one thing. One time I was doing an open my Atlantic city. So picture it. You're getting some shit, you're getting some inside here. And I went up and I told people it's like I splush, you know, it's like I female ejaculate. Well, there was a couple guys that were at the bar. They happen to be gay, and one of them was like, if that's gross, don't talk about that. And my rebuttal was why you go home and crack a couple blankets because sploosh, it's nice and soft. Actually makes your skin feel really, really good. I mean I haven't heard of sploosh like bosting a blanket lately. So yeah, more child's more blankets. And if in mattresses have been lost. The seamen while do I'll give them that. It's like they get all the like if you swallow. If you swallow semen, it is protein. There is some fat, but there isn't an actual thing that tells you how much fat is in it. So it's like, I think, you know, keep swallowing. It gives you a nice, you know, a nice skin, a nice healthy coat. I don't know where I was going with that. Okay, so let me do this little thing here again. This is it's new, but it's real. It's real. You like it? Okay. So recently I just added a new toy to my collection. Okay, big shocker. They're I've got one of those, you know, sex pillows that hold your buildough, you know. So you can get on it right at like your horse. Right. Okay, for those of you guys that are listening to this podcast, switch over to the video, because it looks like I'm riding a fucking horse. Okay. So, and you can get out, you know, you can get off at the same time because you're riding away. It feels good. You're humping, Hump and Humping, you know, the bulness stage right in there. It's great, you know, it's you can get off all at the same time without, you know, all the inner species erotica happening. But I think I mustn't put too much air into it, because the moment I sat on it, I kid you not, I went flying through the air like just and done right. It was like entering like a bouncy castle or Bouncy House, you know, and getting thrown the hell out. It was like Bam, boom. Right. So it's like I look like one of those fire fire hoses. That was out of control, like if you can picture like the little rascal holding onto the fire hose and it's just dipping all around. Right. Well, imagine that. Like I was able to get off. I was evil sploosh from it, but the same times, like when I went it was like...

...right, great sound effects. Right, I hope I didn't make that at the end. Actually, I did. I did. I swoosh, ice woosh, like so much, like it got everywhere. I almost had to get another television. It was, it was. It was horrible, but I'm going to jump back on it because you know, it's like when you fall off of Corse, you just got to get back on it. So the only thing is it's like I went flying, like I said, that boom was actually me hitting the wall and I so I ended up with a concussion and you know they say you shouldn't fall asleep when you have a concussion, but you know, Damn, after that orgasm, I just wanted to sleep and all I can imagining it, all I kept imagining was going into a coma and you know, it's it's one one of the hell ways to go out. It's one one hell of a way to go out. There we go I had to get the balls out of my mouth. Sorry about that, you know, just can't wait to use my pillow again. But that would make for an interesting wakeup story. Like people were wondering like, what the Hell happened? What gave you that concussion? That caused that that coma? It's like, Oh, it was just using my new sex pillow. I had an amazing orgasm, fell off the damn thing, hit my head ended up in a coma, you know. So to summarize that, that happens, right. So, yes, we're keep it going. I think I said yet like a thousand times. So I guess we're going to move while. We're going to do another song here. All right. And guys, it's like you want to keep it. You want to keep your you know your Twat. I said Twat, not Twat all right, I know Twat. Like Americans screw up everything. My recent interview with my friend Lizzie Linko, please check that out, on beauty spits. We're discussing the word, as I said, Twat, she said Twat, and there's a difference because it means the same thing, but there is a difference. It's like it does have that a in there. It's like, pronounce that a all the way. You Go see Americans. Okay, so TWAT. So imagine twat coming over, you know, from across the seat and getting lost in translation. So people call it Twat and it's kind of like it's kind of like, I guess the the what's that damn mustard? I'm taking off the top of my head right now, the gray poupon. It's kind of like how it's like maybe could you please pass the group Poupon? So could you please pass the plot? Like, I don't know why we did that. I think twat sounds so different. It's like flat, but with Twat. Okay, so, if you will learn how to pronounce Twat the correct way, it is Twat. And Yeah, you want to keep your Twat nice and tight. You want to do some key roles, right, and key gols are for men and women, and men. You know who you are. That's right, you're the one whose balls dip into that cold toilet water. MMM, keep it tight. All right, then one wants flappy...

...balls or a SAGIN TWAT. So here's a little song for you. So, ladies, does your tweat hang low? Does it wobble to and fro? Can you tie it in a knot? Can you tie it in a Bowkay, you toss it over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Does you what Pang? Love? And for all you guys out there, men right, do your balls hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you awesome over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Do Your Balls Hang Love? That was enough of that. Right, we're gonna keep this going for a little bit longer. We've got a couple songs. You know that. I wanted to play off because it's been a while since we've put in some music here and I don't know what the hell else I'm dealing with my life. So here we go. So I'm going to this sploshing zone. It's like highway zone, but with splush. Just getting my sheet music up. You think I've memorize this by now. I'm like, I am like the worst. Add it all right, I know my might ukually always a little bunged up. It's okay, it's okay, we're going to power throw it right. Here we go. Let's go the sploshing zone. Let's get a couple songs out here for good ending. All right, but you're gonna list day tuned. All right, we have beast coming up. Oh yeah, bitches, repin up and wrenge. Listen to her how low and row. She's got a fingers on a g spot, banging you to touch and go. Hi, way to the spoush zone, right to the spoushing zone and in her pussy, spreading out of dates. Tonight she's got to play with the quit shoving into over dry by way to the smooshing zone. I'll take you right to the spoustions. They never say hello to you until I...

...get two fingers all up and you. Yeah, you'll never know what you can do until you get up hers highs. You can go. There's a solo. I refuse. Storn it out along the edges. Always where are going to be album? All the engines always wear burn to be dude, if you're burning, go see a doctor. On the edge the hot of the intensity. High Way to Spoun I take you. Run into the spous high way. Do the S. I'll take you right in to sloshing zone. Out of key and out of practice. is how I live. I lift dangerously damn it. All right, for a little closer here before we get over to beasts, because he's been quietly waiting in the corner where I left him, as he's a kinky bastard like that too. I can't get my shit together. It's okay, it's it's okay. If you can't get your shit together, it's really okay. It's okay. Sorry about that, and we go. I'M gonna play this one out. Is called one nice woosh. All right, you will identify the song as soon as I start seeing it. There we go. I got my ticket from the long way round. You know what I mean by long right? Two bottles of Whiskey for the way. What the Hell happened all my whiskey? Damn and like Yo sweet, up the knee, or might two fingers in this case. Yeah, and believing some more. What do you say when I when I love me my head, you know, spank me everywhere. You love me when I Slou I know my taking long way round. You know I'm talking about Cock right, yeah, the prettiest than use. I enjoy sex in public, and that's a fact. It's got whims, it's got Jean's gotta...

...handles, so play with and I'm with you. Be Kinky with you, when I swoosh, when I when you're me my hair. Yes, make me everywhere. You're gonna love me when I slouge. All right, everybody sing along at home. When I see when you're me by my hair, you guys. Thank me everywhere. Baby, you're gonna love me when I all right, Ladies and gentlemen, I have been Christine Norton. I have been your host for this first part of the podcast. So you are going to get ready. Yes, you are going to hear from beasts and three, two, one, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to the show the beast and beauty on the air. A lambin portal gleams. The beast is spouting everywhere, and sometimes he's obscene. Beauty and the beast, beauty and the beast forever made way and spake me like a little put me in handcuffs and...

...make me your Slagh Evea. That's a metaphor. Metaphor. Metaphorically speaking, I'm not on the camera again, but I'm keeping this little Introvou to say to you thanks for tuning in again to beauty of the beast. Show, the actual show, not beauties bits, not the beast parts. But I do want to thank every fucking body who click on that link and watch that Drunken Irishman Song. I did, wherever the hell it was, I can't even remember. Pretty sure that I could make that a running bit and maybe I can be the opening of the opening opener act, the first guy up. Get it over with, have a beer, go home. Fuck you. Now the headliners go on. I'm not there to heckle them and they appreciate that. That's why they let me come back, because I'm just not going to be doing any open mic nights and it's pretty funny. The other day somebody told me you extually drive up to Philly. Is a guaranteed spotted an open mic night. You get three minutes. Three minutes really. So I should drive to Philly and I should pay the tolls and the gas, which is more expensive than ever, not that I'm complaining, and then I should buy a couple of drinks, I should go to the club, pay for parking and do three minutes, then drive home, etc. I was like wow, that would be like the best three minutes of my life. I think. So I was trying to think of him. Maybe I could do a song about that. This is the best we might out. Oh my life, this is better. When then, the day I married my wife, I drove all the way here and soon I'll drive back there. So this better be the best three damn minutes. Anyway. This is the best three minutes, but I wrote five. Those are the two minutes. Can Go to hell. Still got two minutes left to make it right. This is the best three minute. Oh my life. Oh yeah, and...

...then I would take it from there. So, meanwhile, I'm not going to comment on what's up everyone's mind right now, the situation with a slaphund around the world. Now, I got nothing to say about that because I've been slapped on stage my friends, I certainly have, and I had shit thrown at me in the best does the town. I used to wait till two o'clock in the morning before my comedy would go down. The one thing I just don't like is waiting all night at and open my to say a few bits and make a few rhymes and take three minutes time. Oh yeah, and then the girl wakes at you and everything goes out the window. Actually, that never happened. I usually would go on at two o'clock. I can and a club that really wasn't even a club. It was just the upstairs of a Middle Eastern restaurant that was closed for the evening and they thought it was a good idea to open the storage room up and make it a comedy club and people can come up the back stairs. They could charge five dollars, throw together a quick bar and get plenty of want to be comics to show up to work for free and call it an opeen my and put it in a newspaper set. You're having it until the COPS and the local ordinance people come and say you can't have a comedy club here. Yeah, I've played places like that once upon a day, and that's why I'm sitting in the comfort of my studio kitchen, bringing a cup of tea, smoking a ball of tea and Tett all around. But I do want to thank everyone who tuned in for whatever reason. Was I going to say words and then I was going to say some sentences and those we could become paragraphs...

...and it would become my manifest no, actually, no, I don't have a manifest though I have a woman of fest out actually have an affinity for it, and that's actually brings us to the point at hand. Is this what I'm living for? If I live till eighty four, all I ever think about the sex, sex. Is it far? Is it near? Hanging from the Chandelier, all I ever think about is sex, sex. Show me Your quiff, for your quim or your snat. Show your pooch. Shure, I'd love to smack your rea. But the thing I love best when I'm put to the test, is the reason we're all gathered here. It's SPLOOGE, glorious spooge. Hot's a lot, box of COMP quats, splooge, glorious splooge. Warm Cock rings and but plucks, cold, cool, whip on creamy pies. What next, begs the question. Hey, it able panties and come true, Sepshun sploe. You might want to try some SPLOOGE, glorious splooge. I might even buy some. Comes on like a tidal wave of strawberry Dow Shits. Sploos glorious Bloosh, Marvelous Blooge for wonderful splooge, glorious Spoush, drowning in it. That's right. If you would like to buy some. It's a little bit all. Harry loves Harriet's bucket O blooge. You should run out and buy some. And don't forget some girlago the queen heat of SPLOOGE. She once you to try some. That's right. It flows forth like a fountain head from deep in her crew Huch Vie, braveing fanny pack. It's Walter Prove SPLOUGE, gloorious spooge.

Give it up for the beautsy. Hey, it's your old pal the beast, but beauty is the real cutie. Thank you for list sending to this Bull Shad. Let's it, I promise. That's it. I'm done what we're talking about. Splooshit these blue thank you and good night. This has been beauty and the beast show, depending on whether this is the beginning of the show or the end of the show. I'm trying to make this timeless. Actually, I'm trying to segue out it. Let's fade it. Come on, Hey, you on the piany. You're very talented young man, but it's time to sign to stop for the night. Stop for the night. Oh, I'll have to slap you. Wait a minute, that's been done. It flows forth like a fountains and hey, but what verse are we on? Come on, man, really, let's drop this. This bit's over. Hi, good night, books. If you want to bone till the cows come home, how love Harry loves, Harriet Sep shop and Porno Oreo, is the exclusive distributor of beauty and the beast products like the popular gorilla give and award winning fuck it, it's off SPLOO. But wait, there's more. Harry LOVES HARRY IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE the latest from beauty and the beast show, vibrating fanny packs designed to lease and carry your...

...cell phone too. By creating fanny pack, or the discrete way to stimmy your the JJ, inspired by Lizzie, this fashionable fanny pack is comfortable to wear, lightweight and can carry everything you need for a busy night on the town. Put who cares? It vibrates. Get one for the back door to makes a great gift. Available in for fashion colors, dark silver, mid gray, off black and white. Inspired by Lizzie, they'll get your snatch in a tizzy. Exclusively at Harry lows Harriet sex shop and ORNO EMPORIA. Guests of beauty and the beast show stay at the magnificent days in downtown Ab Seacon, just miles from the world famous Atlantic City Boardwalk and exit thirty eight B of the Garden State Parkway. Enjoin Her by shopping at major retail chains like home depot and dollar general, and fine dining at McDonald's and dairy queen. Days in ABSECON offers great views of absecon Bay, the Atlantic City skyline and everyone's favorite seagulls. Continental breakfast is serve Monday through Friday, and on site dry cleaning is available. Don't forget to ask about our free airport shuttle leaving hourly, special discount rates for senior citizens, Bachelorette parties and members of the hundred and seventy seven fighter wing. Day's in downtown APPSEECON treating you like a tourist since one thousand nine hundred and seventy eight wwww showcom.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (73)