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Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast

Episode 0 · 1 year ago

Beauty and the Beast S2:E1 - New Year's Resolutions with Special Guest Adam Coonen

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Beauty and the Beast S2:E1 - New Year's Resolutions with Special Guest Adam Coonen.

Follow Adam on Instagram @adamcoonen

Check Adam out at the Flappers Yoo Hoo Room January 15th. www.flapperscomedy.com Check Kristine aka Beauty on Dat Phan and Friends Show January 14th

Find Us:
www.beautyandthebeastshow.com
www.rampantlyla.comiTunes | Spotify | SounderFm

A beauty, are you there? Pick up the phone. Not, Jesus, what am I saying? Doesn't work like that anymore. Anyway, it's two thousand and twenty one and I wanted to talk to you about season two a beauty and the beast. I got your email about doing it on zoom and I absolutely do not want to be on zoom. But first, ever, a little song for you to kick things off. Jest, stickles roasting near a dumpster fire, Jack Frost Nipping at my bows. Tiny tots better head for the hills or they'll need therapy by fall. Everybody knows that beauty in a spot light blue helps to make us blush night. It may be taboo, but it's certainly true. SPLOOS she knew year to you, but plugs to but plugs to lots of, but plugs to splooshy. New Year to you, Spooche New Year to you, splosh knew year, dear beauty, and a big spanking to happy New Year beauty. Now about these zoom shows. I absolutely do not want to be seen on zoom. I do not feel comfortable sharing my face with the world. So no zoom shows, no zoom shows, no, absolutely not. Okay. Well, call me coming to you almost live from lakeside, and welcome to two thousand and twenty one. Welcome to season two. That's right, we made it another year us in to who the thought? I know, two years. That is crazy. What what is the official to your anniversary thingy Um, I think maybe like a rock or something, a rock. Well, I'm get you one out of my head later on, now that I know. I know, I just have to tilt and, you know, shake it, and the other year you could hear the ocean. It's all good. So, yeah, a hold your hand and I'll listen into your ear. My favorite things to do. That could be a walking along the ocean. That could be a new position. Who knows? Right, depend on what's happening with the other hands. Whoo, they got go somewhere. Keep him in the yes, officer. So, as you can see, with motion, I'm I've been kicked out and I'm having to start season two in the wood shed until I can the course, getting the studio with you again. Plans for Season Two, folks? Yes, season to baby, I mean can't. Would just call it like the black shack or something like whack shack. Yeah, the ways like the bomb shacks studios, like you know. I mean basically, currently I'm surrounded by tools, banked cans, empty Mason Jars which need filling. I got some golf clubs here. Also have some other reasons. I'm out of here. I have these bongos, which I've been playing a lot, especially during football games, so they like get the hell out of here with your bomb goes. And I have my boom Bob, which is a lot makes a lot of noise. Also, I usually play it on New Year's day down on broad street, but there was no mummers for ade this year, so I had to play at the House and I've been kicked out the garden shed, the wood shed, the fucking main cave, studio, prison. Just please, I love it. Please at least tell...

...me that you got a Tetni shot. Oh, I had a ton of those. Okay, just checking. Yeah, yeah, they're like go whenever I go to the yard, I have had a tetned tern like well, not since last not since this morning, right, yeah, not since breakfast. That's right. I have had many a reason to. Have had many reasons to have had many a Tetni shot. So I'm all good on that awesome. What's happening in your neck of the lakeside woods, as it's still under construction there. You still having trouble with the traffic patterns? Oh boy, Yep, it's still bad. It's just one way and that is it. It's like my vagina, you know. Well, anyway, Yep, that's a two way street. Give me a break, I know it's got to come out sometime, right. Yeah, really, I don't care how log you keep it up there, or does it? Ah UHHAH, maybe it's like one of those tricks weren't goes in there and comes out, you know, like a magician, right, except for our cool coming out of her mouth exactly the pater various toys and influence of destruction that caused US blush, spluche. I hear you on, I hear this podcast the other day about heavy patting and you telling your sploosh stories, and you know the thing is that we stayed inside like all last year pretty much. You got any new ones? Um, well, let's see, I was working on a couple. I was I've been working on clean comedy lately. So I care if you've been working on clean comedy and we didn't say we were going to do clean comedy here. I wonder if you had any new splosh stories. That's all not your quote comedy. You're working on. Well, I do a thing now like where I explain like splush and female ejaculation a little bit more visual, like picture an elephant and elephants trunk going down and go bucket of water and coming up and sprang everywhere. That is my vagina. Okay. Well, you still have nodding some of my question. This is a third and final time. During the covid pandemic, episode twenty, twenty to be continued. Did you have any SPLOOSH tastic adventures you need to talk about? No, I've been. I've thought I had to buy a wet vack. It's all splooshy up in here. It's been new curtains, new bed, knew everything. It's it was an explosion. Had to be a gallery to going on the NOPE, not with this cage over the course of Covid two thousand and twenty and it's like the sploush meter. Yeah, the SPLOOSHOMETER is a SPLOO shometer with a big out between the word sploops in the meter. Yep, that's good. To know. All right, well, I don't. You know, I don't know. Somehow I was worried about your something. I don't know. I do remember, though, you saying that you were trying to create a leash sploosh centric material for blue mic because you had scloosh yourself senseless over there, and I do recall people singing along to your sploosh song. So I know I missed that. I didn't need to bring out the songs again. What it was? It was actually a challenge. It's like Jolie from rampantly La, if you got to check that out. It's rampantly die La. They have some fantastic mics over there. And for the month of December I was not allowed to say sploosh or talk about female ejaculation. Like it was crazy, like I did it because we're going to be doing a little bit different things now in order to get into like corporate comedy shows and things like that. Like Blue Mike is fine for all that kind of stuff, but other mics, unless they have, you know, a warning or you know label on something or rating or whatever, you let it fly those ones, but it's time to bring it down a little bit. Not all the way. But yeah, I'm really sorry that you're aspiring for corporate comedy, but whatever, Lady, I understand. Hey, I need to make money. That Show where the Guy was surfing, he was he was crashing on different comedians couches and when he finally got his wish at the end, he was basically doing comedy on a college circuit and it...

...wasn't all it was cracked up to be. But here's the thing to do corporate comedy these days. I guess you don't actually actually even to go into the company. Nobody be zooming into their lives before they're meeting their strategy, their pitch, and you know, hopefully something good'll come out of it. Pretty much pretty much. I mean the splush still lives on. It's great, like everybody's always like, oh my gosh, it's the splush, and I'm like yes, it's like I have some new material and I have some splooshy material and we're gonna fuse them together. You know, we're gonna shirt made of splooshy material. I know, right, isn't it just like a wet t shirt? I don't know. You sew it together a wet t shirt time while we haven't seen one of them in a long time too. I know, right. We allowed to actually enjoy those anymore? Actually, and I was like, okay, look, I'm sorry, Miss, get the hair dryer out. We are not allowed to enjoy this anymore as a race of men. Hey, women enjoy it too. Oh Sin, see, that's the thing. That's what's going to happen. All the clubs are going to just be full of women, and the guys when they go in, there like ice cold. Get Out of here, sir, you're not welcome. Not Enough of your green money. It's time for the women, and then women can have their own sports and they should go support those things to you know, I would love to be able to be the guy selling hot dogs at the women's basketball game and everyone in the stand. As a woman too, that would be awesome. Yeah, they shouldn't be beauty bowling night. Maybe you can bring out all the women bowl one night. Who that would be fun, and then we all show but like midnight, when you're all half in the bag, you're all bowled out. The real bow little start. So what are your plans? I hear we're gonna you got an interview lined up for this. First episode of the Revised Season Two beauty and the beasts. Oh yes, we have comedian Adam Coonan from Wisconsin, and he has been I met him, I believe, on the Blue Mike and we've hit a ton of mice together and everything. But he's, you know, more wellknown at the Blue Mike and he will be embracing us with some of his comedy and we will be talking about whatever the hell we talk about. Right, just like us. It sounds like, yeah, there's no plan. There's no plan, there's no edit. From here too, there's no filter, there's no m we don't any here. We don't do that stuff. Now I do have to let everybody know when I interview someone, it's like this will not be edited. Oh No, you're not anything other. No, and the technical to the difficulties. All right, no, technical did the difficulties. We're going to show the world what we got. We're going to be one thing I discovered on one of those blue mics was my friends over there, I go versus fish. Now worsh about the altar goes versus fish. So I you know, I actually was compelled to buy some of their merch and I was thinking maybe you need some merche their beauty. Maybe that Black Tshirt with that logo on it behind you is something I need to wear this summer with the sleeves cut off of it. Yeah, I think. I think you're onto something. We definitely need some merch up in here. I think by the time we put out our next episode we're going to have a store where people can order from. Look at that, we're moving forward. We are moving forward. So, okay, I'll tell you what. One of the things you can put in a cart is pep top from the beast. It'll call you up and leave you a motivational message on your cell phone that you can play to your family. I won't even drop the F bomb. Actually, I don't know. Fifty Bucks. There we go, there we we're gonna get. Yeah, we're going to have awesome stuff this year. You know, other than going right to video here, we are still going to be broadcasting everything on itunes and spotify, sounder I fm and I'm hoping to get on Anchor FM as well. Sounds like you're going to still have the classic beauty and the beast. We're going to add some COMEDIANS, we're going to add some other talent soon as we find some we're good. But we're going to be putting that all together and we're going to do more skits and more scripted things and we'll probably even do some behind the scenes, you know, of US maybe working on the script together and seeing how it sounds and maybe getting some feedback from our wonderful audience.

...have an audience. We have an audience who have an audience with the Queen. When you interview Jolie. Oh Yeah, we too to my favorite comedians in one specific central location. Oh my God, that'll be great. So I'm looking forward to that. Let me see, what else am I looking forward to? Oh, I know we were going to talk about what resolutions you were able to keep that we made in our last year, which was basically the first show we did. So how you doing on your two thousand and twenty resolutions, of which we made very few, if any? Well, I start said that I would go out for, I think, more auditions and more shows and things like that, and two thousand and twenty covid happened, but it did not stop me, because I jumped on the worldwide web of awesome comedy shows from here all the way through London, through Egypt, through wherever the hell I went earlier. We did in Geahn, goes through India. Yeah, we went, whoo and I did it. It's like I'm doing it and there's more shows and stuff that I'll be auditioning for for this year which I'm looking forward to. Like flappers out in California. They've got a great thing going on. It's like, I haven't done that yet. There's The New York comedy scene. So they have like shows every night of the week. It's amazing. Same with flappers. They went seven nights a week with everything. So I've got to jump on that Bandwaggon. But one of my favorite things coming up is this Thursday, on the fourteen. This episode will be out by then, on the fourteen, I will be doing a show with that fan and friends, like I am so looking forward to it. Like I'm just like, Oh, I had my audition last week and booked the show already. So you had more auditions? Really? Yes, yes, I kept forgetting what. Yep, I just kept it going. All right. Well then, you you big score on the two thousand and twenty resolution. Ding Ding, Ding, Ding Ding, that you were going to have more auditions, and I hope for some bank in the pocket, as well as the joy in a year on bridal, joy you bring to the table when you're on these microphones. Everybody loves that your there. I know that for a fact. Jack, you've done you've done so much be in like so great and so for it is. It's been who like mine blown mine, and I want to thank you for that. It's like you've come to pretty much every one of my shoes. It's been amazing, on or off, because, you know, my problem is I'm a old dude and I work all day, get up early and her around ten o'clock on a Tuesday night. I'm like, I gotta see people, I gotta see it, and I like, I try so hard and you know, I got to figure out other ways to support the blue mic people and all those people, because it's, like I said, you know, I was able to discover other people and I can't say enough good things. I'm not going to say something nice about them every single fucking time, but I guess I am, because you seem to be so, so involved with them now. So you keep it up, because you make a lot of people happy and and I just heard a lot of funny stuff. The great thing about it is when a person sucks on the any of these microphones you don't have, you don't have to sit there and suffer through it in the club. It's way great. You can mute them, you cannot mute them. They counting them and then you feel compelled to boo down and then things get ugly because they're wait for you to parking lot after the fucking shop because your boot them. Exactly. It's like, wow, I know, you can just you can even leave the room. You just hit hit's a big red button. Leave, you're done. You're done. It's like I've got on my happy face icon comes up. Yep, yeah, it's like, I don't any of the link to that guy's video are every one of his zoom meetings that week he basically showed video foot eache of himself. He prerecorded any pretty he got away with pretty much all of it. Was Amazing. I was like wow. I was like, you know, that's one thing to think of. I love doing online shows. Some of them are a little bit lengthy, like three four hours long, and, let's put this way, my butt likes are. So I'm like, I'm like, Holy Crap, you know, he isn't built unto your throne, my Queen, who I wish I flatten this computer chair. I was like, dude,...

...it's like I should come there just to change your gel pack on your on your seat for you. That's what I'm look bad for, my lady. Yes, please, I would like some more, especially mellow that show. Oh yes, he kept bringing me fresh cooling bads, the butter. She did. I make a resolution to do that. I don't think I did that every resolution this year at least once to attend to you, but talks, I gotta keep it fresh, you know. Oh, you know what rash? I think I killed it because doing the keigles. Oh my gosh, that's how I killed the cushion. It's just getting stucked into my vagina and that's why there's nothing left. He goes, are no man's friend, you know. It shot out of there. You're like hey, honey, cool it and no once you're in there, any more Bo be gone as I go. Give me the remote. We're done. HMM, Eagles, damn keugle. Yeah, why's just gonna club? Well, when I when I live, been filling when I was young and worked that dreaded graveyard shift behind the front desk of one of the most populent hotels in the city. Did a lot of strange things at three and four o'clock in the morning, and there were a lot of private clubs that no one at will ever know we're there or will never be there again. We could get in with our own liquor or sometimes we would just pay and we would drink grape juice and we saw some of the most amazing women doing some of the most amazing things with their amazing thing. Yeah, you know, I maybe I should find some of this footage and and show it to you. You be amazed. There was one woman who could shoot pink Bong balls out there, just shoot him out. She could, you know, outside to be careful because she would turn away from the audience and she filled herself full of Jerkins hand lotion and she turned around and who she hap. The maths is this is somebody's to see in Philly at three Af yeah, those good old days. It's got to be going on somewhere still. Have you ever been to Amsterdam, Ladies Blush Queen? No, now yet. The live sex shows and the red light district not yet all right, we'll do a whole show about that. Or when the covid finally goes away, maybe we should plan a road trip. It's not actually a road trip. Yeah, it's actually flaying and about the time ago I've I've gotten lost in the airport order and England more times than I can remember, especially coming home, because we so wasted. I know, everything's like a damn mee's totally and blue lights and weirdness. So yeah, it's also it's worth the effort. Anybody again, though it's not like it used to be. Nothing is. Sorry, folks, we ruined it for you. Oh, in so many ways. There were so many great things used to be able to do and now you can't because we fucked it up for you. But we totally they get to the limit, across the line. Now the things you can't do anymore. Sorry, beauty, that's okay. I could just have these fantasies in my brain now. It's true. We wrecked a lot of stuff. YEA, at least they legal wise, legal lot. Legal Wise. Well, LEGALIZE MARIJUANA AND JERSEY. So yes, at least there's something right now. Legal Wise, wise, they're not. But was it wise to legalize? Is that what was in the back of your minds? Yes, even though it's legals. So what? They haven't made any they haven't made any decisions on how exactly that's going to be done. Unlike every other state that has it, we're still we're still struggling with the semantics of it and figuring out how we're still going to penalize you, even though it's legal. I know, right. There should be a dispensery on every corner by now. You know, right, your local guys still the most popular man in town, that little liquor store. But imagine if liquor store solder the weed, not dispenseeries. Who needs that? We just needed at the at the seven lappen exactly. Just go in there, you know, pick some stuff, just like all the brands of cigarettes are are. You know, you can buy the cheap ones, which is all the Marijuan that fell on the floor while they're making a...

...good want, you know, the ones. It's all sticks and stems, you know, but you know they're cheap. Writ up, making up pace, make it back in a cigarette. They got it all, figure it out, but that's the problem. They don't have anyone figured out and they haven't had figure out since they put that guy in office, years and years and years. Like two guys are taking your bombs out of your world videos, every bottle, corporate gigs you want are the guys who like hack on. There any bombs in your videos? Don't worry, don't worry. There's some high times Mike's coming up. It's going to go that. You know. I believe I have an idea. It's probably been done, but what the hell like a four hundred and twenty mic? It starts on twenty in the afternoons. Maybe am it depends on how your sleep schedule is, but it's like the four hundred and twenty. You Bong and hit your bong and hit. You do like three minutes of comedy. You hit it again and Bam, shows done and I ain't happening. It's four hundred and twenty here. It's one hundred and twenty out there. They're like, dude, we're still at lunch. That also for hundred and twenty. is so arbitrary because no one can even show it there. What they'll be late for it. It's just that for twenty is away for hippies to think they're on time for something or something. I know. These damn time zones are killing me here. Time zones. Yeah, time zone UNs. It's like, I know they're out in the west coast, like Oh, we've got a spot to and I'll snore to coke. Let's go, and you're like, Oh my God, I've been at it four hours. Yeah, let's you actually have a life, that other part of it. You're not sleeping all day waiting for the MIC. Dope. That is true. They do that. Sorry, I didn't mean to insulty y'all. I would be doing that. If I could, I could collect some of some some stipend week late. I know it's like, Huh to me, a thirty. That's just that's as lazy that we get, honest to God. Honestly God, it's his late night sleep, ten, ten o'clock, late aside sleep. You're like a thirty, ten o'clock, ten. I want to be up by eleven to see prices. Right there we go. Now that's a good that's just something that keeps on going round. You know. You know, or at least my one. So you how you wake up and you have lunch. It's kind of like breakfast, but it's lunch. Was Not brunch because it's lunch time. Yes, fucking lunchtime. So I say thirty, yeah, therety ten, eleven. Yeah, great, if Thirty PM, the road and drinking right away, have bloody married from breakfast. Hell yeah, that's how should be. That's how she should be. So, speaking of resolutions, did you keep your resolution of pickles? Not only that, I keep my resolution. I actually, I technically did not keep my resolution to eat everything off the pickle bar because covid shut down the pickle bar like it shut down every other buffet. But I have eaten pickles every day or something pickled. In fact, I actually started a pickle blog this year because I'm trying to keep things a little lighter and less heavy in my life, and so writing about pickles is one of those things. And already, already, I have gotten a coupon offer from Mount Alive pickles. They saw my pickle blog and send me a coupon. Now this is the most payment I've had for blogging. It's started blogging, probably, and I have to actually go spend money to use the coupon. So I know. But still, thank you, Matt Olive. You've made my day. I doubt you'll watch this because I have dropped the F bomb, but I'm thinking about yeah, I love your pickles and have eat piggles every day and as soon as the pickle bar opens I will technically continue my quest. But right now, as you speak, there's at least five jars of pickles in my reprederator. Do you go count and feel fully? Who whoom? Probably it's right love it. I'm getting a lady booner over here. Lady boners are also. That was one of my resolutions, was to cause more lady boners and do more I banging when I got my mask on. Hell Yeah, nothing like a good old eye bang. WHOO, I missed some early other day at the art museum and it was like, you know, for first of all, the mass takes ten years off of my appearance. Of right there. I got that going for me. They don't know how fucking all I am behind that thing.

So, since you're young at heart, that kind comes through your mask something I don't fucking know anymore. That's the only thing coming through your mask I know. Actually, we had, you know, we had some fun with the mass. We like we like, my wife and I like to make a show of kissing each other goodbye with the Mass on in front of my office building. To get a kick out of that. I actually you know that all those only fans things, I don't know. I don't know any thing about them. Tell me, told me about them, and I sent some money this girl and she sent me all these these hot pictures of her using covid mass as her costume and very degree. So that's hot stuff. So, ladies, it was stretched. Thats covid mass, and strategically placed though, it's going to be a fashion Chad in two thousand and twenty one work my words. Oh yeah, and spoosh, Yep, that's some spoosh material. That's some smoosh right there. Yeah, the one girl, Oh my God, I have to tell you how I this. Some of these tick Tock Beauties, oh my goodness, oh my goodness. You know, I've seen your tick tock, but it's not like the some of these other ones I watch and I don't even know how it happened. You know, I just I just post pick tocks and me scratching my pets. You, you, you know, you put up jokes. Other girls put up TNA and it's like outrageously awesome. I know it's awesome. I'm like, I'm like that weird person that goes no party and just like hangs out in the corner with a pet, you know, and watches everything on Tick Tock. Yeah, pretty much. Pretty I kid myself and tell myself I like the girls because their cosplayers. It's research, research, and, Oh my God, actually I have to I can only take it. I don't know why I'm at this point in my life, but I can really only take tick tock. It's girls on Tick Tock. It's short intervals, because my heart just starts the fucking race, exactly. It's like, Boohoo, I'm going to put down a tarp in here, just man, Oh man, and then, you know, I know it's all about sign enough for their pages and giving them my money, but I'd rather, I'd rather fulfill their wish lists. It's any y'all are out there listening right now, you tick Tock Babes. You know you're one of them. Now you're one of them. You're a tick Tock Babe, Tick Tock Baby, yeah, doing some stuff, yeah, on the chicken the top. Well, I mean I was so some stuff with my tick tock the other day. But that was like masturbations, right APP? Yeah, no, not the APP, but on my tick tock. It was great. It was more tick than top that day. Pretty much. You know me so well, you know is you, lady voter, this big or not? That big tickling. So I thought Song Resolution I remember from last year and of course I didn't go back and listen to the the show again. WHY WOULD I? I do that either. I'm like, what did I make last year? I'm like, what the Hell? What did I say? What did we say? I don't even remember. Remember that I never agree to this video shit because I don't want anyone to see me, because I'm very on camera worthy. Look at me, look at no matter what I do here in the background. So that hand a board ground. Got Chances about this. But I did this whole thing last year. I tried to launch a horror host, horror bang, remember those videos? Yeah, at the end of the at the end of the year, when I looked at all that work I did, I was like, why did I ever put myself on screen? That's what ruined it all, and you gotta take the chances. Now I'm taking a chance. I'm out here freezing my butt off in an unheeded shed with savage dogs next door. But that's okay, waiting for me to make her dinner. I know she is. It's okay, it's okay, it's about it's almost time to wrap it up. Before we end the spot, though, it's like we have a nice little treat with you with my interview with comedian Adam coon in coming up. It's like, please stick around for that. It's like you're going to really, really enjoy it. How could you not?...

He is very, very, very funny and we have a whole bunch of comedians. I am off doing zoom interviews pretty much all the way through February now. So it's like people are, you know, booking. You know, if you want to get on our show, come check out our website. and she does an email at beauty and the beast show sixty nine at gmailcom. And come on, any shorter? Yeah, I definitely couldn't come with any shorter. Now longer. Who Wakes doesn't talk about I do want to talk about that with you at some point. Like how long is too long? And you know, Time Wise, like what all of it? I'll getting tired of this, you know. I'm getting tired of this debate. No, two women are the same. Don't you mean the same? That's the real problem. How do you give advice to anybody? Everybody needs different advice. We're all different, ever, all the different. We're all different. But we can definitely leave that for another episode, leave for another else. Yep, we'll cover that. You know, length, distance, time zones. will put it all in there and we'll find out what works. Now you talk to Adam about his resolutions at all? Yes, I did. Well, guess, like thematically, these two parts connect. Yes, I mean how art, that's art he. We got it going on. We know what we're doing. I feel better about this already. See, I got you, I got you, I got yeah, we have time. Will tell all right, all right, so here we go. Where we going? I guess it's time to end this thing. Oh, it is for reals, it's say these days, for reals, for reals, like totally, like for cereal. Oh my God, oh my gosh, like Whoa. Okay, gotta eat me. All right. Well, if you would let me finish, G O, I would never let you finish. No, no, no, I would be hours, hours, hour. Okay, I'm beauty and I'm the beast. Hello everyone, and welcome to the beauty and the beast show. This is the new bit that we have. It's entitled Beauties Bits. That's what a be not with the tea. If you want the tea, have to check out my only fans. But today we have a special guest for you. We Have Rad Dad, amazing comedian Adam Coonin. Hey, everybody, Christine, real quick. WHAT'S THE EU? I'm just for some friends. That's why I ask for a couple of friends. Okay, moving on, drop that link. We will try. As I as Christine said, I am a new father. Could be pretty stressful. Turns out I actually got my wife pregnant the same month I started doing stand up. So clearly have to work on my timing, work on she told me. She told me we was all worried about money, just like well, you know, it's going to be helpful. I'm getting a big bonus about threezero right about when the baby comes, which was awesome because that was the most cocaine I've ever had in my entire life and now it's gone. I shared with the baby. Don't worry. One of the tough things about me for being a dad too, as I have depression, which makes everything harder. I went to the doctor because I want to know if I had the kind of depression where there's a chemical and balance in your brain, or if I was just fat and bad at everything. That made me sad. I told me, you know, have you ever had any suicidal thoughts? Well, yeah, maybe, but luckily I have a crippling feeler. Fear a failure, so kind of works itself out. He told me, you know, hey, maybe try to like watch something uplifting. You know, two things to make yourself feel better. So my wife and I watched Mary poppins, and the whole time I'm just thinking, what a bitch, you kidding me? He's a magical flying which lady who's sole purposes to help children, and where does she go in one thousand, nine hundred and ten upper class London, literally the best place those kids still had one living parent. It's not like there aren't starving Siberian children who can use a spoonful of sugar, maybe just a medicine. It made me feel a little bit better too, because I kid was like eleven and World War Two was about six or seven years World War One. Excuse me,...

...was about six or seven years down the line. So you know, you probably died anyway. So I was feeling pretty down at work a couple of months ago and so I decided to Google how much for a hand job and a massage parlor. Now, I'm not weird or anything. I didn't want to go get a hand job. It's in it's fifty. Because you're wondering fifty for a hand job. I didn't want to get a hand job. I just was thinking maybe I should open a massage parlor and start giving hand jobs for fifty dollars. It's really seemed like economical thing for me. I did the math. If I jerk ten dicks a day, five days a week, three hundred sixty five days a year, it's about a hundred thirty thousand dollars a year just pure profit, very little overhead. I don't have any employees. Really seemed like the move, you know. Plus, I've got about twenty years of Experience Jerking Dick. So, you know, put that on my resume. What you know? They say do what you love and you never work a day in your life. You know, I and I've had a lot of shitty jobs in my life. I was. I've worked maintenance, I was a shorter or chef, dishwasher, I was a painter, I worked on maiden screws. I said my worst job I ever is I worked for a year. I worked in a plastic Palette factory. It was terrible, just loud and smell bad and occasionally big hunks of plastic like spew out of the machine and land on you like Molten Plastic, and you can't like wipe it off because it would just like spread and burn you more, and so you just kind of have to like to sort of take it honestly. Come seems better. That seems easier to deal with. You just wipe it off and move on with your life. Maybe there's a little emotional scarring, nothing beyond that. I would like to run my hand job shop a lot like the factory now, just like so around, everybody shift meeting. All right, assholes, take it easy on the loop. Suppliers Been Dickernous around, you know. So we're gonna have to make this last. Ocean's coming in for an expense inspection pretty soon here, so remember your knees now with your back it bill, I've told you a hundred times. Cut The balls. All right, this is an efficiency shop here. I cut those balls. Throw Pinky in the back end. Come on, I think it's girls, but I'm a new father. I've got a family to think about. Might be the important might be the financial move for me to make. All Right, wow, thank you very much. I've Been Adam coon and check me out on instagram and all those other things that people do socially. Awesome, Anna, I love your comedy. Hell, Oh what, I love it. I love it. It's great, it's great to have you here. It's it's fantastical. The Fun thing about that last bit is I actually came from an argument I had with both my wife and one of my friends. Were because I was pitching about my job and I it was just an office job I was complaining about. I was like, you know, I can just procescute myself for way more money and work like half their time. And they're both like you shave sex workers. Sex workers work fuck you. They do with their hard they're down on their knees all the time. It's you know it well. That's the thing. When I was when I was a painter and a maintenance man, they would sell knee pads right, and so because you were like spend so much time like grouting and like just like taping banisters for you know what I mean, like doing stuff on your knees, so they had guys would just wear knee pants. Like. I just feel like these worlds could really collide, and a lot of convenient ways, you know what I mean. They each have a little bit to offer the other one. Correct, they could definitely, I mean that's during these covid times we're going to have to create some new jobs, you know. You know, whether it's hand jobs, low jobs, you know, and to make some money in support somehow, right, our armpit jobs, foot jobs. I mean there's a there's a lot of different jobs. There's IT's your verse Mark Exactly, Boom Jobs, you know, it's funny. There's it's actually even more diverse. There's multiple types of bood jobs that you can have actually and get, and it's like reduction inflation. You know, it's all there inside. Put in one of those pumps. You know, and I don't mean to shame anyone one where the other speaking of boot jobs, but I personally I don't, you know, if that's where you decide to go and get your an augmentation to the how do you say, Christine, the chesticles? Yeah, jestic. If you decided to get a chestical enhancement, that's fine. You know, no judgment. I personally you could tell they look like they look like water balloons. You know what I...

...mean, when you like tie off a water balloon and kind of just like yeah, it's Weirds, the shape and the like. Some of them they look like they're like pulling the skin forward and it's just like, dude, like what is going on there? You know, like should I get a tourney quitten pop that thing or someone like big zits eating? Yeah, and they'll have those like kind of weird like wavy folds on them someplace where it like it looks like those things, like like a whoopee cushion, right, like how a whoope cushion has those folds in there on the end of that? No, no, it's not how hits are supposed to work. And you know what, now I feel bad. That's not fun. It's no bucks. Let's just keep them where they are. Let's just people can draw their own conclusions, you know, for the real are you're for the fake. Even watching movies, like my fiance and I, of course, I'm a breast woman. You know, anything, the actual is great, but then we're like those are Oh no, that's just scary right there now. NOPE, no, well, that's the tricky thing is. It seems like it's way harder to tell with clothes on right. So like you can't really see like he's if it's like a Hollywood actress or something like that, you know whether they're real or fake. You know, they're all encased in a bra or whatever, like an address or whatever, super just like that nice figure. Like what are you gonna do? You know? I mean there's no there's no way to tell, but I think I watch a lot of naked movies. So yeah, yeah, that's why that's yeah, yeah, not me. Never, not a day in my life since I was thirteen. Like when they have to do it, you know, sex scenes and everything, they do have the prosthetics that they get done and meet up. So it's not actually it's not actually then that you're seeing. It's actually a full on breastplate, you know. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy, but yeah, I couldn't imagine doing that, you know in Hollywood or whatever. I'd be like no, I'm gonna hang on a real quick I want to email Halle Berry and tyler. I want my money from swordfish back. It just comes comes in time. It's like, nope, not doing it gets up. Really, I just I just admitted a lot about myself. It's like, well, the first set of Hollywood naked tits that popped into his mind was Halle Mary's. It's true, and welcome to welcome to our confessions around. It's great. It's So has two thousand and twenty one treating you? It's been good so far. I'm I'm off the sauce. It's time being nice. I joke with my friends I'm probably gonna go to three months. I just want to lose weight really, like, because this is a problem, and I shouldn't say this because I am a new father, but I kind of like being an alcohol like I enjoy it. Right, if people like want more, aren't you for you're going to look bad in front of people like. Well, aren't you supposed to not care what other people think anyway? You know anything? It's so, but honestly, like I always equate my alcoholism to like full blown alcoholics are like a house fire. You like you've got to call the fire apartment and get everybody out. It's a big thing. I'm like a grease fire and I were like, who Oh crap, somebody grab you know, I just got occasionally, I just got to grab the Bacon, Soda, throwing all over everything, everything out, and then after a little while we'd start cooking again, you know, because I've never been like off the wall, you know. So, yeah, that's going on. It's been four whole days. No, awesome, that's good. Well, but again, it's not like I'm not like I wasn't like an everyday drinker or whatever. I just like when I drink, as Christine knows from quite a few late night red mikes. Yes, when you drink, you can't roast, for Shit. That's not true. Actually, it's when I drink too much I can't. When you drink too much, as every no, no, it's fine. Ever, almost every time I've like, quote unquote, gotten roasty and one of those mics that's I was drinking right, it was just you drink too much one time and I was just like, Oh, you can't roast me drinks. No, I'm great at roasting when I drink. It's just there's like balance to me. Yeah, in your balance was like here and then it would yeah, yeah, well, and I also forgot to that I was going like fifteen or whatever, like eighteen. So you gotta, I gotta PACER SEF that Balance Right between drinking too much to roast and not drinking enough to roast. I think in Buddhism they call that the Middle Path. Yeah, that's what Buddha talks about it specifically. If I remember that, it's true. I know. I go ahead. I'm sorry. I actually haven't had a drink in...

I want to say, since about June. Like you will see me here with this red goblet thing that I have that I use for rentfare, but most of the time I'll just have like apple juice or like juicy juice in there, you know, just that belong to the crowd, like okay, we're going to be drinking, you know, we're got you know. So I'm like, I'm I think today probably if I had a beer, I'd be like pass out on the floor. Yeah, this is good as that was my wife, basically, because I used to get I forget the name of this beer or whatever, but it was like eight point five percent or something like it. Would you know it was a stout, or well, the stout stout, but I don't know, strong stuff. Yeah, and one night, you know, because my wife, you know, she stopped drinking and she got pregnant and then she wasn't really like into drinking the first like, you know five six months that our son was born or whatever. And again, I you know, maybe once a week. I would like kind of Tiewana. But like, so we're sitting down, we're watching some movie and she drank like half a beer and like put her hand on you and it's like who I think I've done? Oh my God, lightweight down. But yeah, it's my problem. See, my problem is, like I love being fucked up, like just in whatever context. Like I like I always think, like you just mentioned renaissance fairs. I love reniff sounds fairs. They're fantastic. They're even better when you're drunk, not wasted, just got a good buzz going, having a good time. The last time I was her runt fair, her I heckled one of the nights because he but like I didn't heck him like I do this thing sometimes called anti roasting, where you just compliment someone so ridiculously that it's funny. It's really I really like it. But basically I kept tell it like you would ride by and I'd be like I want to have your babies and like you have the hair of a god, you were carved out of marble, like stuff like that, and like I have the whole section line. It was a good time. Probably would have done it without the whatever five goblets, like you sound Familiari said, like that guy at every run fair. I know right. It's like wow, I know. Like during the day, like we w'd have, like I work with the New Jersey Renaissance Fair, so we would have like two jaws. Like the first one is like just the gaming jaws, you know, whatever. See the pretty hors he you know, they collect the loops and stuff like that, and I'll be like out like on the dies. I'm like what the hell do we do out here? They're like just leave her handkerchief and like cheer for whoever you want, because we have no it's like there's no script, just gonna really know it. Oh Nice. So it's like your unfair. Have Harp Girls. I went to the Maryland. It was like it was like a band of harp playing girls in like Pixie costumes or whatever they captured by heart. That's all. All I'm saying is just like there. I might have left my life for them. Like this is there's a bit about like run away to the magical forest that they are. I believe I have seen those. I think I've seen that that group either at the Pennsylvania Renaissance Fair, I'm sure, possibly even the Connecticut one. It's like yes, amazing music, like you just you can sit there and like just grab a beer and just late watch them all damn day. Like Dude, yeah, like, yeah, I found my thing. I found that whole like folky like Improv thing that they have going on, but like with harps or whatever. I don't know, I love it was very badass. It was very bad. And then they had like the braids going on and, like I I'm so like fashion stupid that I have no I like picture what they were wearing in my head, but I have no words to describe it. Like I don't have the vocabulary. There was like leather straps and like dresses and some sort of white top thing going I don't know. Basically, like if they were, in fact, what else, trying to enchant me to run off the forest, I would have done it. I probably the out of they up. You got me. I have notice that I have no willpower. What happens at the Rin Farisees at the wren fair, and so you've been there too long, and then you start talking about it on the podcast. That's when I think it made away enough to keep secrets, I think. Oh, I'm intrigued now. Okay, for those of you just listening, I'm currently whnaically putting my fingers together like like who, like a villain. You gotta, you gotta give me a story. Then you gotta give me a great run. Run Sounds Fair like party story, because I hear thin get pretty wild when the yeah, I would say a party story. Okay, so I was just going at run fairs at a time I before I was working at them. I'm not going to mention the fair's name or anything, but there's this husband and wife couple and they usually, you know, steak out someone that year,...

...and that you're happened to be me. So you know, every weekend, you know we would meet up at the gates and you know he would have scored us around the fair. We would go shopping everything, you know, have fun he'd get us roses and, you know, beer and you know important things and sounds like. So one time it was through the whole season. We're sitting down the finale. That's where everybody gathers at the end of the day and, you know, the storyline comes together and everybody singing and having a good time, throwing kids up into the air. You know that whole thing. So we're sitting on the bench and I was wearing like the hoop skirt at the time and you know, it's like kind of start going a little bit underneath and you know there's lots of stuff that you do in those hoop skirts and his wife had this awesome dragon that was like laying on her cleavage, but I didn't know but when you lifted it out, on the other side of that was a penis. It's sold now. It's like Du that was awesome. So it's like she starts using that on herself. I'm on his lap at this point, like in mid public, with every boddy around us, and we started doing some stuff. You know, it's like we're giving wood a whole new meaning and we can see my baby. I sorde interests. Friend. You can't hear cover your ears, Little Franks, and cover your ears. You can't they what's the kitty cats talking about? Porn? Yeah, yeah, so she gets it out, you know, she's going on herself. Then she's got like her hand like down, you know, down under where everything else is going on, and like we're like literally having this threesome. And then my friend who is in the fairly, she comes around. She's like what the hell are you to do it? And then I told I just grabbed her by the waist. Just shoot, hold me down, so it looks like we're doing anything. And then my hand slipped into her skirt. So we have a foursome going on. Meanwhile my friend jewels, is like dude in public. Yes, yeah, yes, that was my adult that fuck it. Yeah, I'm friend of mine, like a while ago, like yeah, he told me, like rent ferst were basically like he was like it's basically like a Judas priest concert or whatever. But like I put in medieval close you know what everything like. It's something, it's or like whatever, like bottar or something like. It's just like it gets nuts. I wouldn't have known. Would have had no idea. Something new everything. It's so much fun. It's there's like an adult level in a kids level. You know, it's like you just have some fun there. I would like to level up. I've had a level go up me, but yeah, yeah, man, I like I want to keep going again this year well, and like we'll bring it back down a kid level or whatever. Now that I have a little baby, there's so many costumes. I can have them be like a little wizard. Oh No, you know, like a little a little wizard, pipe of the beer or whatever. I can do maybe Yoda. You can even be Star Wars. Apparently Star Wars is a thing in front renaissance fears. Not Everybody has their own thing. Everything everybody's. It's great because everybody so accepting to that. It's it's awesome. Actually, I remember working at the New Jersey one and this kid, this guy, he probably was a teenager, and he was dressed from dressed from adventure time. He was fit and I saw him and I pull them a little bit aside and I lifted up my skirt a little bit because I had my Jake bloomers on that day. Lost his mind. He's like it's like you've come to the right place. You've come you know, and that was always one thing that I liked about. So I wasn't like a rent fair person. But I say hang out in like like I don't just like nerd circles or whatever like it, and I say as a Nerd, I can say that that work back. But like, like just when I were at least when I was younger, like one of the coolest things ever is like we would like say we were like playing to you in do or something, and then also like one of the like skater kids are like metal head kids or whatever. Really like I think, what about this a little bit or whatever, like you guys mind if we play and everyone would just be so excited, like yeah, like come on, you know what I mean, like come join our little like the group or whatever, like it's in so moost circles tend to be like some of the most accepting places where it's like yeah, man, whatever, close your boat, do your thing, like you know, I feel like it's like you can, like you can't cosplay as Nazis, like that's basically just don't cosplays of Nazii's or Kaka Ga and your you come in like that's fine. Is the only two rules. Whereas like I used to hang out a lot of hippies. I do other bits about this, but like, I used to hang out a lot of hippies and like communes and stuff, and like there was like rules, right, they don't write them down or anything, but it's just like Oh, you eat me. Well, I mean you can stay the night, but maybe like long term, this isn't the...

...place for you or whatever. God joke is like it always like that kind of stuff. Were like you'd say something just like Oh, like those apple watchers look cool and all of sudden you have to listen to like a fifteen minute like she feel about how like this and the that the other thing is unethical and like how dare you like support apple or whatever? Like it was always just like this this judgment right and then like you'd hang out with a fleete sometimes, you know, how much can you bench? Dude, I fucking bench, and they all look at you like you mean you don't work out? Like so those circles always looked to me. That was always what I like to go. There were like some of the least judgmental places you could exactly exactly. Like I said, I know I've enjoyed it and like I said, the rent fair, you know, whole community, welcome to you, like I was always told. You know, it's like I'm too fat to act, I'm too fat for this, I'm too fat for that, and I'm like what the Hell? I'm like, I totally give up, and then it's like boom, I found like the magic kingdom called the rent fair, and I was like, dude, there's all shapes, there's all sizes, there's, you know, yeah, young ones, old ones, big ones, small ones, thin ones, like what the hell? He's like twenty feet tall, like dude, dude, this is my plate, it's my circus, you know. In the funny thing is it's like it's almost like renaissance fairs are more real than anywhere else you would act. You know. I mean like I was just talking my wife about this last night. It's like you ever watched one of those like coming of age high school movies and they'll be like Oh, we're going to the party and they go to like the party and just everybody's crazy hot. Like I'm it's like every everyone of the senior class is going to be at this party. You go there's like wow, that's senior classes, just models, like every like literally everyone in the senior classes is a model, you know what I mean? It's so it's like yeah, but I was went to plenty of parties. Let's see your high school. They didn't look like that, you know. So it's like yeah, so in a way it's like the place where everyone's like pretending is actually more real than yeah, then look serious theater or the you know whatever. HMM, yes, exactly. It's like become a nerd today. That will save your life right there. That will open up so many opportunities. I mean, look at all these nerd comedians that we have. Yeah, I was actually just somebody just mentioned dating, right, they'll just mentioned. She's like you should run a DD coming podcast, but there's like a million of them now or whatever. But like that's mind user. But yeah, it's I don't want to take up too much time, but this actually kind of bug me. This is like last year, but you know how, like they came out with this thing called like the DD consent, right, and it was a little like Hokey or whatever, but it was basically a sheet of paper and you it's red light, yellow, like green light, and it would like had these lists of topics right. So basically it was stuff like rape and sexual assaults and like, you know, slavery, torture, spiders, like it was a you know, there's like fifty things on this list of things I might like trigger you or make you feel uncomfortable or whatever. The whole point is you just hand it to your players and say, like Hey, just let me know if any of this stuff is like out of bounds. Right, we're creating fiction, so if any of this is out of bounds, let me know, and I would make sure you know, take that new account. And like I don't read it, and facebook groups all like exploded with angry fan boys, which is like you're routing the game if you can't be the sure enough to deal with this lap LAPLA, and I don't know, I argue a whole bunch about it, but the thing that bottler me is where and when I grew up, like had I was kind of like closeted ther right, because like I hung out a decent amount of partying mindalter and substances and and and the like and such. But if I let anybody know that I also, like me and this group of friends like to play this game, like you know, occasionally like it would. You just can't like roasted, if not like beat up, like straight up like the shit kicked out of you. For those of you in the audience who don't know, central Wisconsin in the late s wasn't the most tolerant clips in the world and there are, there are, there are more tolerant places, and so like the whole idea that like now, this day and age, we're going to be like exclusive and say like we can't have this, we can't have that, and like there was a bunch of people bitching because there was like fan art of two guy elves like making out. They're just like stopped pushing your agenda down our throats. I was like, can't there just be gay elves? Yeah, shit, it's fantasy. You know, it's maybe not your fantasy, but you know...

...why not? Oh, yeah, yeah, well, and you know all of their face, like in so many of those guys it's like their fantasy is like I'm Conan and I have a Harem of fifty women and I have a huge sword and big muscles, like it's so like kind of like their own dumb, hokey like whatever, like nonsense thing to so, but somebody else's were. Yeah, and that always really really bugged me because it was like we being into that kind of nerd stuff where I grew up, because it's like, you know, it's just white people as far as I could see, like, you know all that, like, other than like, you know, I was friends with a lot of the gay kids in my high school and like we had a club and stuff, but other than that, being like a hardcore nerd like into like magic, the gathering or dd and stuff like that. I mean, you were gonna get shit for it, like you were like it was gonna be something that you were going to get harassed for. And then, like it's just ironic that twenty years down the line people are like being exclusive in within the context of this thing that used to be part of the excluded guys. Me Crazy soap box rant over, if you play good Games, be inclusive and dope a Dick Hole. That's see, that's a great ending. How about that? Hey, I'm glad. I'm glad about that. Well, this has been an amazing first episode of Beauties Bits. Thank you for tuning in everyone again. That's beauties bits with a being out of tea. If you want to tea check out my only fans. I'm Christine. Thank you, Adam, for being here. Thank you so much for having me with Super Funww Showcom you're still here. I thought you would have left after that. Well, since you're still here, stick around for a song. I got my ting for the long way to bottle of whisky. The you're working me a lot more than two here, MMM, and Reco my your fingers in this case. Yeah, and I'm leaving to mow. Do you say when I swoog, when I smooth, you love me when I you don't me by my hair, you Mus make me everywhere. Your love me when I I got my ticket for the long way round. You know I'm talking about cock, right, MMM, the one with the prettiest of use. I enjoy sex in public. That's right. It's gone whips, it's got jeans, it's got paddles to play with, and I'm glad to be kicking here with you. When I spooch, when I you love me when I swooh, yeah, my hair, you're gonna spake me everywhere. Oh, you love me when I when I speo, when I smooth. Love me when you don't pull me by my hand. US. Thank me everywhere. Oh, you love me when I swo.

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