Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast

Episode · 1 year ago

Beauty and the Beast S2:E3 - The Variety Show featuring Kelly Zemnickis


Beauty and the Beast S2:E3 - The Variety Show featuring Kelly Zemnickis

Kelly Zemnickis

Show Schedule
Opening with Beauty (not to be confused with Beauty's opening - ha)
The Day of St Patrick's Day
Beauty's Bits with Kelly Zemnickis
Lobsters at the Bottom of the Tank with Kat Box Comedy
Beefin' with Beast
Non St Patrick's Day Song with Beauty

Find Us:

iTunes | Spotify | SounderFm | YouTube | Facebook

Coming to you almost live from lakeside. Hello, Ywe and welcome to the beauty and the beast show. A should can tell there's someone missing. Hmm, I wonder where beasts is. You know what? We're going to find out later, because right now it's like we are going to start this show and we are going to have some fun. Am I? Right now we are going through some changes here at beauty and the beast. Don't worry, I'm not having hot flashes yet. I don't know why I had to share that I just did. But yes, we're going through some changes here. We're not just going to be the beauty and the beast podcast. We're not just doing beauties bits. We're not just beef in ite with be least. It's like we are going to make a whole show. That's right. That's right. We've got interviews from COMEDIANS, musicians, filmmakers, artists. We've also got some skits that were throwing in there from catbox comedy, which I host every Wednesday night at a PM Eastern. We're throwing in some of that. We're making this a variety show. Now it's like it's going to be different, it's going to be changing changing for the good, something that a lot of podcasters don't do. It's great having one on one interviews or having a few people, you know, doing an awesome podcast, but you know what, we need to change. We did, we really did, and we're so glad that you tuned in because this is going to be one heck of a show. It's going to be our first variety show again. It's like, we're glad to have you here. It's like it's amazing. If you guys have any ideas, or if you're filmmaker, artist, comedian, anybody that wants to come on our show the little interview, maybe even do some Improv or some skits, who knows? You know, it's like the sky is the limit from here on out. So there's some stuff going in the news lately, some tragic stuff. I want to talk about real quick. You know, this whole cancel culture thing. I agree with a lot of people. Cancel culture needs to be canceled. There's way too much time on people's hands. Is Now they're picking apart things like one of my favorite cartoons. Or what do we have here? We have peppy the Pew. Peppy the Pew, beloved skunk of Looney tunes like forever and a day, canceling peppy the Pew. Is that where we're at? I mean, don't get me wrong, all right, all right, okay, I see it as an adult. I see that peppy the Pew is rapey. He's Rapey, he is you never ask for consent. He goes around kissing this cat all the time. But you know what, as a kid, and give me out on this, you know cartoon, this cartoon, looney tunes in general, were made for kids. All right, can we just go back to the kid moment. We're watching looney tunes and we're watching bugs and we're watching Daffy and we're watching all this amazing stuff right now. Once, as a child, did you ever say, Oh my God, peppy Le Pew is totally Rape No, we did not, because peppi Le Pew is a skunk, all right, and he's going after a cat. Now this cat, this cat, is so pretty, all right, but she always ends up in the wrong situations. I don't know how many times, you know, she got that paint strape on her back like, which was every episode, obviously to make her look like a skunk. But guess what, cats and skunks don't do that. It's like no, it's like hey, man, it's like peppy is coming back, I heard, but I don't know if I'm down with the whole new thing like everybody's trying to make over. Okay, it's a cartoon. It's a cartoon, people. If you're trying to cancel a cartoon, you've got too much time on your hands. Am I correct on this? Let me know whoever's listening to war was watching if... watch peppy the Pew as a kid and didn't think anything bad of him. I mean no, look at the picture and back of me. All Right, here we are. We got peppy the Pew and we've got this cat and they're in Paris. And Look, she's even got a little hearts around her, so obviously she did something right. Okay, maybe she played a little bit too hard to get. Okay, peppy was a little pushy, though. You know, he just wanted to love, like. I fell in love with his accent, all right, I don't know about anyone else. Like. Okay, first off, okay, skunks and Cassie, they do look like. Look at the picture here. They do look like as a person that has come from waking casts. It's like you would know. It's like look at that. Just look for all of you that are watching or listening to the podcast on Itunes if you want, and some visuals. We have peppy the Pew, we've got the cat in the background. They're in Paris, they're in love. There's hearts everywhere. All right, there's no instigation of who he's going to do something he shouldn't do. Mm No, no, peppy, you are a bad bad boy. But no, it's like peppy is sweet, he's romantic. Yes, the French, I'm doing a horrible accent, but if you just listen to it, listen to what peppy says and listen to his voice of how thoughtful and romantic he can be. And yes, he wants to keys every squitter inach of your body. But NOPE, don't cancel peppy the Pew, who was awesome in my childhood. If I had children are right now, they would be watching the original luty tunes, because that's the way to go. So please, it's like, don't cancel peppy, don't start just killing like the cartoon world, because there's like another whole beef at hand. Like I I'm going to get into a little bit. I don't have a background image for this one, but think about it, though. It's like Donald Duck had his nephew's right, and Donald Duck never wore pants, so he's walking around pancils in front of his nephews. I mean, does that say something like you want to get the duck canceled now, like, put on some pants, Yo. You know, porky pigs always pork in it out there too. You know, put some pants on him, like people would need to see that. Like as a kids, like I never thought about gender. I never thought about genitals as a kid. Okay, it's like porky pig was who he was, you know. It's like you just automatically assume that he was a male pig with his little blazer and, you know, his little bowtie. That's what I'm talking about, all right. But then still it's like the whole Disney world. You know, goofy is a dog. Goofy is UPBRIGHT, wearing pants, clothes, talking. Now Pluto is just a regular dog. I mean they're both part of the whole universe. It's like, what's going on there? Is like, is there no equality for dogs? I mean like what did Pluto do to get to his higher status, you know, or what his lower? Sorry, I'm getting those confused. I'm always confused because I'm on a rant, because cancel. Culture has gotten ridiculous. It's gotten ridiculous. What else do we have here? What else can we bitch about? Yeah, you know what, here we go, Mr Potato Head. That's right. HMM, look at this. Look at this. Did you know that there wasn't? There's also a MRS potato head and nobody attacked her. But like, why is she female? It's like, why can't she be male? You know why can't? It's like what? Okay, it's a potato. Okay, there's a bigger steak, a hand here. As anybody not noticed how much Mr Potato Head looks like Steve Harvey? It's like Steve Harvey's like what are you doing to these poor potatoes? Like, what is going on there? Okay, it's like first saw. Okay, I could see potato head, all right, but here's something else. Did you know that potatoes don't have genitials? It doesn't matter what they're called. I mean maybe Mr was his first name, maybe it was just Mr, and then somebody is like oh it looks like a potato. Let's call Mr Potato Head. You know, it's like, let's let's throw that up into there. So there's obviously a whole potato family here. It's like why does he have to be, you know, singled out, like, oh no, we just have potato head. Now there's no Mr Potato head. It's like there's no genitals, there's no vagina, there's no penis, there's no vagina, just good, flat out rated are going for you, Mr Potato Head. I mean, I'm sure there's MR potato head porn out there. I have no idea. I mean maybe he grows a little spud down there. I don't know. I mean that's my take on that situation.

But serious though, look again, look again, and if you're listening to this on Itunes, just go Google Mr Potato head. Swear to God, he looks like Steve Harvey. Don't know what's going on there, but I think that's funny as hell and I think it maybe should be the Steve Harvey Potato Head it you know, it's like why not just go all the way? I don't know, but leave the damn potatoes alone. I mean, what am I going to do in the grocery store? Am I going to go up to every vegetable and be like, HMM, wonder what gender that is? You know, where's this? Genitals? Like, I mean genitals on potato? M ABOUT GENITALS ON CARROT? I mean a Cara Kinda looks like a Whoho, you know what? Okay, Penis whatever, but it's like I'm not going to go around, you know, trying to figure out, like so why I want to eat this potato. Is this a female potato? Is In a Mam potato? Like, what kind of potato is it? Are we having a revealed party? I mean, Oh, a gender coming out part. What happens when they don't like their gender? They turned into potato salad. MMM, that's what's happening there. That is completely what's happening there. Like, I don't even know where to go with this cancel culture, except for it should be canceled. People. We've got way, way, way, way too much time on their hands. But guess what? Today, today is a special day because it is St Patrick's Day and you know, we like to celebrate here and there. So I've got a awkward poem coming up, I think. Yeah, you know, like the night before Christmas as well. I got carried away and I literally started making things like for the holidays, and I'm like, you know what, we can do this, we can do this. So we have an awesome actually it's a is it non sat patrick's Day? Now it's definitely the same Patrick's Day. So figure the night before Christmas, but in St Patrick's Day there's Boozer Swede, there's I think there's a lever cod, I don't know. We've got a lot of stuff coming up here and have an amazing interview with Kelly's and Nick is coming up all the way from Canada. She's amazing. I will also be on one of her shows which is next Monday and it's a fundraiser. Hit's a goodie, so you're going to want to tune in there. We will drop all the links down below and everything will be will find it really easily. There's a message coming from beast. I believe it's called beef him with beast. Maybe that's his segment. He could be beef him with beast and I can be beauty spits. I was like there we go, now we have it. Yes, like I said, so be prepared. It's like we've got some changes going on. We're going to be throwing in animations, catbox comedy here and there, little clips, little animations. Were working on stuff now. I think I said animations twice because I'm very excited to start doing that again. And if you stick around at the end there's definitely a song in it for you. You're going to enjoy it. So here we go. We are off and running, so stay tuned for our next segment. Up Next. Twas the day of St Patrick's Day. Money was short, times are hard. Here's your fucking St Patrick's Day card. Twas the day of Saint Patrick's Day and all through the house everyone was drinking or this case smoking, even the mouse mom at the Whore House and dad smacking some ass. got. I love being spanked. I had just settled down for some nice wheat, I call grass out on the wall. I heard such a clatter I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter, and out on the lawn I saw a little green guy with a small Dick. I knew in a minute it was that leper can named Nick. He filled all our stockings with some weed and some beer and a big rubber dick from my brother, the queerer. He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart. That leper con blew the chimney apar. He sworn, he cursed, he had mouth like a trucker. Here's hoping we all get laid. MOTHERFUCKER's happy St Patrick's Day. Up Next it's beauty's bits with special guests Kelly's and Nickis. Hello everyone, and welcome back to the beauty and the bees show. This is a little segment that we call beauties bits. That's with a be nut, with a tea. If you want to see the teas, you gotta check out my only fans. And we are here today with an amazing guest. She's all the way from Canada. She combines cooking and comedy and comedy and cookie. She's got the three seas going on. I don't know, maybe she's a seat. I don't...

...know what. We'll get to that in a moment, but welcome everyone. Welcome Kelly's some Nickas. Hey, oh my gosh, how is it going? It is awesome be here. Yeah, I definitely do a lot of a lot of cooking and a lot of comedy. I certainly do. Um, I would deed myself like an Ogefoodie. Well, I'm I'm an old school foody. I go back with this term, you know, and I say this because when I was a kid, like fifth grade or so, I would bring homemade pies and cakes and tarts to parties. Yeah, yeah, Cuz that's what every ten year old wants for their birthday. Fuck the Nintendo, they want a pecan Pie. Clearly that is the way to get the boys to like you when you're a kid. Actually it's not. In hindsight, that was a terrible way to see if todd liked me, but it was the way to find out todd had a severe nut allergy. So my bad. Let's see, yeah, I apologize, todd, I apologize. I've got invited to a lot of parties as a kid like, which was really awesome for my ego, but in hindsight I think the parents were just invited, like encouraging their kids to invite me, because I was basically catering for free. But I was. I was helping moms and dad's out without knowing. So there you go, little tip you can use if you were ten. Yeah, it's a as a kid like I couldn't wait to be an adult, like I just dreamed of being a grown up being, you know, being older than I was, and that that definitely exuded through my personality. I think also the pants suits that I wore didn't help matters much. I think supported a lot of pantsuits back in the back in the day, and because of this, whenever we go on school trips, I was frequently mistaken for the teacher. A lot of times got mistaken for the teacher and I you know, a lot of boys are hot for teacher here. That A lot. It is. It is not how hot. It is not as hot, though, when you are mistaken for the teacher, like it's not as sexy when they think you're actually the teacher. There's bit of Mystique that is missing there. They want the idea of the teacher, not the actual teacher. So, yeah, learned that young, I did. Indeed. I celebrated my covid versary by making a sour dost starter. Yay, just bring in that loop back to a March two thousand and twenty. But I love, I love seeing how many of my American friends, though, are getting the vaccine, like that's amazing. You know you're getting that. The role out here in Canada is pretty slow, I have to say. So for the first time in my life I can safely say I would feel safe for in America right now and in Canada. Never thought those words would come out of my mouth, but thank you pandemic. That made that happen. Something kind of cool. During the pandemic I met someone, which is pretty wild given that the world chaddown. But we met A in a zoom meeting, because that is where I live at the moment and I feel like in a couple of years this is going to, you know, be like a very old timy answer. You know. Actually, just I could just see our future kids like how did mom and dad me in a zoom? Oh Hmm, was was grandma hosting the meeting. It's gonna be the norm. Just go it a few years. But it's so weird because, like we live in different cities, so we're not actually able to be on, you know, in a room together, so we're doing the zoom room thing. You know, we had a date the other night. I put on the fireplace background it it feels like the Matrix. Is What this feels like. Like. Nothing is real. You know, I'm I'm dating a guy who's one thousand and eighty pixels. It's so strange. I don't know. I worried that, like the next man who touches me, I will propose marriage to you know, it's just it's been a long time, it really have. I went for I went for an ekg couple days ago get my butt my heart checked out. I'm fine. I'm not slowly fine.

It's just a general checkup, which is you know, I am okay, but I will say it felt so good to show someone my boots. Oh well, that was nice. You know what. The girls out be seen as a spoken and while I was there in the table, I asked the nurse, do you want to see anything else, and she said No. She was pretty adamant she was. We just youring her job. You know. I do feel, though, that it was a tabbit excessive for hospital security to escort me out after, though. I feel like too much. You know, I'm just a gal trying to find love. That's all, guys all. Thanks so much, impeller, isn't because that was awesome. That was that was great. I know it's kind of be a bitch trying to date through this pandemic, going on, like I couldn't imagine it. I'm like, is the worst I got? I I've been stood up in real life and I have now been stood up in zoom dates, which which is just like infinitely more depressing than being at a bar as being in your living room, like he's not logging on. It's so it's a level of sadness I didn't think I'd reach, but I reached. I know I would be mortified. I'd be like here I am, sitting at home and no one's on zoom. It's just me alone, talking to myself. Get dressed up, like did the hair, did the makeup. I'm like, oh, but my my favorite of the being stood up stories that I've had. There's only been a couple, but still that's a couple too many. But I I tweeted after one of them that I was like, you know, screw this, I'm going to order a domino's pizza, and Domino's Pizza Canada to tweeted me back and said we're paying for your pizza. Oh my gosh, it's awesome. Yes, that was I know it's like yes, yes, like score, I don't get a date, but damn I got a pizza. Day, and a large one at that. Fancy. I'm Pizza Canada to the to the rest. Yes, yes, that's awesome. I would totally try that. But here in America, like back in the S, they had like a thirty minutes or less deal and the house where I lived, it wasn't that hard to find. It was on a main road. But the guy showed up, he didn't have, you know, the soda that came with the meal, so he went back to the store, got it, came back. It's like my dad was not going to pay for it because it wasn't the complete meal. And thirty minutes. So they're arguing and everything, and meanwhile, like my dad was like a drinker and everything. So there's like beer hands on the table. Like my cousin Melissa was over, she was sitting like with a feet up on the table, had like a beer in her hand. Right, the guy calls the cops, right. So the cops come to the House and they arrest my dad and that's what stopped the thirty minutes or less. Oh Wow, drew store are issues. So yeah, the COP show because they see my cousin lst is sitting there with the beer and my dad's arguing and like the whole house is just chaotic at that point. All that wild. This is my childhood. Oh God, that's yeah, I think you and your pizza story. Yeah, that is not something I have ever witnessed. I the closest. No one was arrested, but the closest I can get to like cops arriving at at a house that was not pre planned. I'd been briefly seeing a guy who was Scottish. He was new to Toronto and so he was celebrating all the things that were celebrated back home, like Robbie Burns Day, and he decided he was going to have a barbecue to celebrate, I think it was Robbie Burnsday, I think, and he was going to set off fireworks in his backyard. You couldn't do this if you have a permit. He did not. He didn't he pretended he had one. It was really weird. And in Toronto, in the area that he lived in, not...

...too long before there had been a mask shooting about a block away. Okay, so the fireworks go off and fireworks can sound a lot like gun shots, you know, and the cops got there pretty quickly. We heard the ambulances and the sirens maybe within about fifteen minutes, and in walked the bomb squad. I'd never seen a bomb squad in my life. I saw like an AK forty seven up close, and I'm a pretty tiny girl, so it's about the size of me. That was the closest we got. No one got arrested, though, and I never thought I never saw that guy again. We I was smart. I guess he went back home after that. I did, and I got really sick after roots. Actually, I'll blame him for that too. I came down with the terrible cold. Wild that was. Yeah, I'd never seen one of those guns before, but hmm, yeah, not a good scene. No, no, and I lived not too far. I live like maybe ten minutes away from Atlantic City. So yeah, if we hear stuff, it is usually gun shots. It is you can tell the difference, like every I don't know, can you do this on like the fourth of July or you know, here in Canada it will be Canada Day or Labor Day. But on occasion I have played where those gun shots or where those fireworks and once, I once or twice that was gun tucks. Yeah, Yep, Yep, it's very unfortunate, but anything, I know. I know. It's like when I was younger, to it's like we couldn't set off fireworks around here. We did anyway, but we used to go like Virginia. We used to go camping down there and come home with a truckful of fireworks. Well, my dad said them off in the backyard. My Dad's a great example here. He's setting them off right. Everybody's having fun. We're all having a good time. Yeah, flow, the smoke starts drifting down the street and ends up the fire. The fireman all come there's fulice like everywhere and we're just like, we didn't do it your your family needs a sitcom shoot one of those things. It was like one of those finner things. One time it came off the wood that it was attached to and ended up in the house. Oh No, and it's like, Oh my God, and just went out. Everything was fine. I'm like, Dear Lord, we can't have pizza, we can't have fireworks. You know, what can I say? I I had a boyfriend gift me fireworks one Valentine's Day, which was I mean the the the presentation was rather attractive, like he he took a bunch and he wrapped them up as if it was a bouquet of flowers. I wouldn't have wrapped it in paper as he did, because they were fire cracked, you know. Yeah, and we met at a restaurant and he presents me with this bouquet of fire crackers and I was like what, what do I do with this? Because I lived, I lived in in a Condo at the time and I had to like a tiny little home, and I was like, well, I can't what what that was. That was by far the strangest present I ever received, and the way I disposed of it was a god I should not admit this, but it was a long time ago so and nothing bad happened, but I did. I did take them eventually to the Garbagein at the corner of my street and I put them in there and then for about a month I solidly watched that garbage can from my window just to make sure no one put a cigarette down. It is terrible. Oh yeah, I was so afraid because I lived at the time and like the older section of Toronto, so I was in ahitorical building to begin with. I should never have done that. I shouldn't have admitted to us,...

...but I did. We all do stuff like that, we just do you know, it's there. It's like another good firework story. I was shooting the series. It was Zombie TV. It was kind of like we're the walking dead meat Saturday night live and we're shooting it over at my cousin John's House and I made like this awesome gun like out of like pool noodles and stuff, and we're like, you know, Oh hey, let's put some fireworks in the ends and like videotape the smoke coming off or whatever, and I'm like okay, yeah, let's do this. So, like I'm down, like we got it propped up on a table, got the fire crackers in there and and I'm thinking. I'm like, Um, Shit, we put them in the wrong way. So Shit, right before they went off, I dust think covered the camera went rolling off into the grass. It just went. I was like, dude, we got to use that footage because that is funny. Right, Oh my God, everything was okay, though. Oh yeah, everything was wide. It was a good thing that I noticed that. I'm like legit right down to say. I'm like, you know, I think put these in back. Oh, oh my goodness. Here's the cool thing, because they were encased in the pool noodles. The pool noodles didn't blow up or anything. They were like tough as anything. It's like, wow, cool, cool. I've never let a fire cracker or the closest I got into was a sparkler on a cake, which I think when we are able to celebrate and have parties again, I think sparklers are going to be the thing. I think candles are are going to go in the couverard permit. Yeah, because you kind of can't blow them out anymore. They nope, not gonna have and not gonna happen. It was watching a video with Oh goodness, it was some it was some Hollywood TV star from from back in the golden era who recently had a birthday. I cannot think of the guy's name right now, but they they had a socially distant outdoor birthday party. Put candles on the cake. Don't really know why they did. He blew them out and then someone was like, oh my goodness, we can't eat this and they had to throw the cake out. Oh, this big shee tate just went in the garbage. Well, why did you do that? Why would you put candles on it? I know it's like you can't blow, you can't, you can't blow, you can't. Well, the party after that, that party blew. I feel like that's a good bumper sticker for two thousand and twenty. Yeah, can't blown. Like, Oh man, Oh my God, I don't know, I don't know what I mean. I'm like I'm approaching what probably will be quarantine birthday number two. Oh, yeah, which is fine. Like, how did that? How was your birthday? Last year? We just stayed here and that was it. You know, we didn't go out. was, you know, by a cake, no candles. I don't really do the candle thing anyway. So, you know, we just seated. You know, you ordered out and had some cake. That's it. I had a I had a friend Uber eats me a slice of hake, which was so sweet. That was like that was the nicest little gesture. But I'm such, you know, being a Foodie, like I'm such a person to have like people over for dinner, I always pick a restaurant to go to. Maybe do like a brunch thing with a couple of girlfriends. But yeah, I'm hopeful. Maybe there can be an outdoor thing if the weather's okay, but Toronto in April is pretty shit weather, so I'm probably going to be alone again. So it's fine. You should have a zoom birthday party and played all your Zumi do and we'll hang out, we'll get like cake or something and we all eat it together and you know, will roasia. One will roast. Oh my gosh, I just did a birthday roast for for a friend, tariff Christian widner, yes, and I said to her I was like, I hope inviting me to a roast is the silliest thing... do in your forties, because I mean it's had from the fact that you know I'm Canadian and we apologize a lot for things. It seems so not good at roast that it's just not it's not in my skill set, which I I feel like a comedians. We should have that in our pocket to a degree, like be able to like do a good like put down, you know, in a gentle way, but it is not my it. That's that's a work on for me for two thousand and twenty one, or a comic is too, is to be better at that because, like no one believes I get angry. You know, it's like course you square, of course you, I do. I saw. I'm right. I'm right there with you. With the roasting, it's like you gotta have like some right in the back pocket. That can work for anyone anything. It's like Bam. You know, I did like a roasting. It was like a Halloween thing and I made it pass like the first round or whatever, and it was funny. The guy that was roasting me. Then he had to compete up against another loser in that round and he's like getting ready to roast this other person, but he's still roasting me. So like our cameras are off, but I popped on for a second, popped it on, flip them the bird and popped off. He didn't see it, but everyone else did. It's like look, you lost, do you get over? I love that. And then I had to roast someone. We took we turned it into the nicest roast. You know. It's like, well, he's so sweet. You know, he's got this great accent and you should really follow his shows. Like we couldn't roll past each other. I feel like that's more like like basting to use like cooking. Turns like I'm not roasting so much as birth we're just basting it. We're exactly it's like, just get that in there, you know. It's like. I did have fun though, this birthday, though. I did get roasted over the blue mic. I was like yeah, let's make this an event. It was funny because I was like yeah, I want to be roasted on my birthday, and then all of a sudden everybody else trickled down, because my birthdays in January. So then everybody's like I want a birthday or so I want a birthday roast. Oh. So then last year, I'm assuming you would have been able to have like a few folks. Oh wait, last year, that's right. Oh my God, I blacked out last year, I've left. It was right before the pandemic. I was in rehearsals for the Laramie project over in Atlantic city and I wasn't going to go to the rehearsal because it was my birthday, but the directors like I'll Bake Cup cakes. I was like okay, I'm it. Oh my God, that's awesome. So she did the whole cast. We had like a cast of twenty and like five for, you know, the lights and things like that. So we had like this massive blow out and they're like can it be somebody's birthday every day, because it was like the tech rehearsal that wouldn't die. Oh my Gosh, dud. Were you guys able to do the show? Or did they? Did your city start to shutdown soon after? We were able to do the show. We got that Shell in and it was amazing too, because the plays based off of Matthew Shepherd. He was this gay kid that got the Snot beat out of him and he died, and we did like this human fence thing, but we were linked armed arm, hand to hand. And here's the kicker. None of US got covid. We all still keep in touch with one another and we're like, because covid came out like in November, but like nobody knew anything about it until like March pretty much, and then we were we were like so lucky. I was like, Oh my God, it's like we're like the dirties. People ever touching ants like every day. It was crazy. I'm like, we made it, though. We made it. That is awesome. I was I was working, I do some tech at a comedy club here in Toronto called the social capital, and I was like I remember that last show. I end it would ended up being my last show. During the show my mom texted me to say Tom Hanks has covid and that was like Whoa, that's like Oh, dude, and I just from I just remember looking around the room like should I be here? Should we be doing this? Tom Hanks has it, and that that was like the moment where it just got like. I've never met Tom Hanks, you know, I don't know if I ever will, but that was the moment for me where I was like, Oh, oh, it's real, it's real. Has It? Oh No, yeah, never met Tom Hanks, but I a lot of people think I'm related to that director. He's worked with before, Roberts the machas. So... fake brother has met Tom Hanks. So there we go. Oh where I have one of my best friends. Her name is Jennifer Capone and she does the whole thing with Al Capone is like, Yep, that's my uncle, that's my she's like. It's so cool, though, to have the same last name. One day I want to read one day I want to introduce Robertson mackus and my brother, who is named Robert. I Want Robertson Nickos and Robertson mecas to do a podcast. Oh, that would be awesome. Like yes, yes, I think it was. Like my brother, Robert is I is a furniture designer. He's based out of Miami, so he theoretically could like fashion some pouches for Robertson Macas. That would be awesome. That internet make that happen exactly. It's like, but I love how to finding you with your actual birthday last year. Thank you. I actually forgot about like. What was I do it? Oh, yeah, that play where I had like ten parts. That one bla down completely. Like that's okay. It's hard to it's hard to remember doing shit like holding hands with people and being in a play together. It's you know, I see stuff on TV and I'm like proud. Scenes make me so nervous. I'm like I was like my crowd, gene is about to come. I've got a live show on Friday and I'm like I don't know how to handle this. I'm like, Oh God, there's gonna be people. There's in it in a club or outside in a I believe it's a REC center. It's another it's a fund raisers, like I do a ton of fundraisers. So I got contacted of this one thing that we have here in America. I don't know if it's in Canada. It's called Gig Salad and its like yes, and I was like, well, I'm on like the free be thing. I was like there's no sense in paying for it right now because there's nothing open. So, you know, I was like, I got contacted. It's like they wanted to clip or whatever. So I sent them one and, you know, Bam, and I'm like, okay, how long do I get? Not a half hour, no, Ace, thirty minutes and weet. Oh my God, I have not been because Toronto, Toronto, for a couple of months last year, clubs were open, theaters were like movie theaters were open for a couple of months, but we've been pretty much outdoor digs up here. So I personally, I have not been in a club since debruary two thousand and twenty. Being a REC center or Comedy Club. I feel like my first two minutes are just going to be my going like yes, there's so many people, oh my God, they're real, the real roof. Wow, I'm not in a box anymore. Wow, there's face outside, I can move rat I have legs. I got that. That was the wild I the first show I did was an outdoor show. JANIS ISRAEL OFF, a Toronto comic who's been doing doing some stuff online too, and she had an outdoor show and that I felt like I was in a movie, like holding a mic stand again, looking the might have had a standups. What the Hell is this? Wow, I was like, and now the best part. It gets to come with me wherever I go, wherever it was. It was so surreal I think I'm going to weep like a baby when I'm in a green room again. It's yeah, I know it's going to be like this is heaven is yeah, like I missed it so much, like I went from literally doing theater shows I did. That wasn't the last show. I was in rehearsals for two shows at a time. So I was in. I was also in a murder mystery cafe, murder like right after, and it's like the place was flooded with people and I was like I miss that, you know, very much. I missed the walkup music, I miss I missed those those butterflies of like checking your makeup in the mirror, making sure everything's good walking up stage.

You know just where slight. You know. I know, I, I. I can't wait. I. Yeah, yeah, my sister heckling me. That's what I missed the most. Like, Damn, I used to go this one open my girl that ran it. We were together for a while because we've done the vagina monolog so anything that came out in my mouth was normal. So, yeah, we she used the heckling and sometimes we would have been have a queue and a on stage afterwards, a friend the time of monolog. Yeah, that was that's a cool show. I enjoyed that a lot. But a friend of mine did that here in Toronta many, many moons ago. But yeah, I've only I don't know. I did like high school production stuff. I was in Greece. I played Jam, the one who's always eating, which even my brand. That was pretty on Brandy Kelly's. She based off here. Here, you, you're in here. What else did I do? I was in Oklahoma. I played aunt Heller. Yeah, and I got cast in Oklahoma. Apparently that was in my high school pace. Like that was the GRUNGE era, so I was doing like granny boots and like you know, just older timey looking wood see stuff, and that's how, apparently I got cast in Oklahoma, because they're like you have the wardrobe? Yeah, like you're in here, in here. It's like let's do it, and I it's another story about me catching a cold. I've got a I got a really bad cold during that production. And so they had a little set piece of like my house. That was like a fake, fake little, you know, front of the House thing behind it. No one in the audience but know this, but behind it was like a row of pebbles just make and tea constantly. So I did. Yes, things you don't know about are happening backstage. HMM, it's like some oh my gosh, similar thing happened to me my first murder mystery ever. We're about to do this show. It was like double packed and everything, and I like practically lost my voice a few days beforehand. Oh No, so someone was like get those fisherman cough dropped and keep doing that. And then I fight. I had enough voice to do my part, because I'm like my part disappeared. I wasn't the killer, but like I disappeared like until the end, like after a certain point, like I was. I was I wasn't the killer, I wasn't the victim, but I just disappeared, like my character somehow just disappeared for a while. So we're doing the show right, it's totally packed. They bought me on literally a week before the show because they had they had someone drop out and they got me back. They got me on it. I learned my lines like legit in two days. It's like Bam, we were good to go. So I'm saying I do my thing, I'm standing, you know, where I'm supposed to, where I'm hidden from the crowd and stuff, and I'm listening. I'm like the fuck just happened? I was like how did we jump like forty pages? Sounds like I have to get back out there like this. This is like the shortest murder mystery and the director was like he's she's like, I don't know what the hell just happened out there. She's like, Christine, you were fine after I left. It just went down the tubes. I'm like wow, well, that's funny. I've stage managed a few murder mysteries. A friend of mine has a company, or had a company here in Toronto doing them, and I remember we were doing wanted a seniors residence and the show went fine, but during the the prep and have claimed playing are, you know, our house music. We went with like s rock. We thought that would work with like the crowd that we had, and this older lady came up to me during an Elvis Song and asked me to turn that music down. But Wow her, down your rock and roll there, Kelly. That music's too aggressive, right. I love that so much. Yeah, and P Good Ole days. Yeah, it's like a hearing at adjustments of like who's the killer man? It's so much fun. Huh, it'll be back one day. One day patrons...

...will be I've worked as a NA share. One day will be yelled at by audience members again. Huh, I know. I can't wait for that. I can't. Okay, I had some of my best times with the audience there. For my stuff was just audience participation and like just, you know, riffing from the crowd. I'm like when I come behind Hoom, I'm like I got a race stuff. I don't know how to do that. I'm used to working off of things and people and you know, yeah, a friend of mine, a great ton of Comic William Kelly. That's his thing, is is doing stuff with the crowd. So I've not seen him at all on Zeem because it just doesn't fit, you know, his style. I've been, I feel like I've been fortunate just in the way that I, you know, am more like a storyteller in my comedy and I a bit more conversational. So I feel like zoom's kind of fit fit my style pretty, pretty good. But for yeah, for those who, like yourself, that risks with the with the crowd, I can imagine this was kind of like being doused in cold water. Well, like pretty much forty. It's like there's nobody in the front audience. I don't I kind of knows it. Yeah, it's it's what someone said to me that the being in the zoom room, especially when we're doing more of like an open mic style, where it's not so much that an audiences and invited. It's kind of like taking that back of the club where all the comics are hanging out and just making them the audience. So you just see no one listening to you exactly. It's like, yeah, it's such a it's such a weird sensory experience, but uh, you know, I don't know, I'm grateful to it. I mean, I wouldn't have met you. Otherwise, I wouldn't have met like I know well that I've gotten to know. So I just I tend I've been like hanging onto those little, like good spots of a pretty bizarre year. It's like I've made new friends and making new friends, like I think my s, making new friends in your s not that easy in real life either. So No, it's not. I totally agree. I'm in my forty s two it. It's like, yeah, it's it's tough of to make any friends as you get hold, yes, but then it's like on zoom. I was like, Oh, this is awesome, you know. It's like made friends from all across the America, Canada, that shows in Israel, London, Paris. I think I did one in Iran. Like it's like everywhere. It's like it's awesome. It's so awesome. I know, like I did a show yesterday in Ireland. You know, I was in my kitchen, but I does an Ireland and and I you know, like so so much, so much of the grunt work has been done for us through seeing like now when you go to Israel or London or wherever, you can say hi to that club owner and be like, we've already met. Just that's yeah, got, yeah, I hold on so tightly to the little, you know, the little bits of shine that I yes, same here, same here. So all right, Kelly, um working. The lovely people find you like social media. Yeah, don't try to find me in real life or to do stay sixpor getting. I'm not getting. But you can find me on my youtube channel, which is my name, so Kelly's and it because you can find me on Youtube. And then my instagram feed is the Latvian booty, so that's Latvia and booty, and I will drop those links. And I know we have a show coming up. While we tell the Nice people about that is coming up next Monday and I'm am super excited. Speaking of birthdays, this is going to be in my birthday week, so I'm deeming I my pay show. Comedy Quarantine. Let the meat take it's going to be on seeing and facebook live, so you can find it in the facebook search search events and we are raising money. All proceeds going, if you are able to make a donation either, going to a great Toronto charity called Red Door Family Shell her, which is helping out families and women and kids. I find some safety because certainly these times have not made it easy for those who are in take spaces and being in zoom and clustered with people who aren't so kind and good to red door shelter is doing some great works. So yeah, I'm stepped for that. Chap's gonna get me too. Me Too, me too. I'll drop all the links down below so people can find everything. And...

Yeah, it's been amazing having you here, Kelly. Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for asking me. You're welcome. So thank you everybody watching. This has been beauty and the beast, beauties bits. That's with being nut with a tee. If you want to see the teas, you gotta check out my only fans. Next, cat box comedy presents lobsters at the bottom of the tank. I want to St my butt smaller than yours. I knew we shouldn't went towards the light. I told Billy told me not to go. There's a light. My wife's going to be telling me she told me not to go doors the light. Yeap, yea, yeap, yeap, Yap, Yap, Yap, Yap. I'm glad I can hold my breath under water for this long. It's Valentine's Day. I can smell it. Did you see all the desperation of those bitches walking in? So all these fuckers are cheap for Valentine's Day. Will live another day and I get out of the tank, I'm going to fling this at the waiter my rubber band. I'm sick. Order the chicken Bak me for side piece Monday. I'd I want to live another day by me for your side chick. TAP TAP, TAP, tap tap. Take Him. My forearms are going to be so ripped. Hey, look asks over there. Hey, guys are breaking out there. Believe about a lobster thermometer. I want you to know that they based the Little Mermaid character on me. I believe in gender quality. Take one of these chicks instead. Eat more chicken. I do it, they say. I'm old. Preserve Antiques. It's something where you kiddy show fish. I'm sure I've got gluten in me somewhere. Please don't eat me. I am definitely not Vegan. I am definitely not worth seventy five. I hope you're recording this. You'RE gonna spend seventy five on hers, I guess you could spend seventy five on me. I want to tell you all. Last year I had a terrible dream about butter. It was the amish and they were churning with their claws. Up. Next it's beefin with beasts, testing, testing, can you hear me now? I'll fuck you zoom. I hate you. What am I doing wrong now? HMM, other than my face? Well, beauty, I hope you hear me. I'm not sure, but here I am in the studio, which got a long way to go, but it will be the new space for beast enterprises. That's right, and we'll put the being beasts. I don't even know what that means, but the marketing department is still working on the slogan. We'll be selling many of the items that you had I have discussed, including the fresh donort cock rings. Eat it while you beat it. That's a great slogan, beauty. I'm glad you came up with that. Meanwhile, the transformer adult toys are also in the works. That's right. Is it a robot? Is it a dildough? You'll find out with just a few easy moves and batteries not included. We feel that this will definitely...

...appeal to the Geek market, as well as their frustrated wives, if they have them. Meanwhile, you've been very, very busy doing zoom comedy around the world and I hope you got all your shots. I actually went and got my second covid vaccine, so I'm ready to take on covid. Actually, I always was, because I have a healthy immune system, which, of course, is the key to a healthy lifestyle or otherwise just staying alive. I've got not one but two masks on me at any time. One, of course, is because you might lose one and you wouldn't want to not be able to go into the Wah Wah and get a Hoagie. If, in fact, you're watching this and you don't have a Wah Wah, that's our local chain, much like a seven eleven. You probably have those. Maybe you have a quickie mark, or maybe that's just on the simpsons, not that I would know. Okay, I don't watch that stuff. I got well, what else is going on and what else is new? Hmm, it seems it's the pandemic is still raging. So the online world is also still raging. That's right. I've been on facebook less than ever, but it's not because any particular reason other than I find it rather boring and it seems to me like is nothing really new. I would like to start a nonprofit, though, kill all memes. I do believe the easiest way to find out if someone is simply a troll or not on facebook is just look at their timeline, and if everything they've posted ever since they started the account is an incendiary meme, then more than likely they're not a real person. The other not real people who are attacking me on a regular basis on facebook are hot Russian girls who just seem to have found my profile and want to be friends, that's right, and within one minute of clicking they're begging me to sign up for some service that allows me to see them Nike. That's roight naked, not a stitch a clothing. HMM, you pay money for that, apparently. Apparently a lot of people do, and I'm just going to try and get in on it, though I doubt anyone will even give me any money to see me naked. They probably I could set up like a reverse only fans where it be like? Sign up now, and he'll keep his clothes on. That's probably a better idea. So what else is happening? Beauty? I'm making this video message for you via Zoomzoom, zoom, because we still can't get together and we've been having this weird problem with echoes, which I found out it is just actually a tiny me and the computer that keeps repeating everything I say. Maybe actually the tiny me is the one saying it in the first place and I'm the ECHO. Anyway, I'm standing here in beautiful summer's point in one of the messiest art studios I've ever seen. That's right, I'm going to need to have a couple of beers to figure out how to tackle this mess in here. This mess is years in the making, so I ain't and I resolve itself in just a few hours. It may take days, weeks, months, may take another year. It's definitely take some shelving units, some fifty gallon trash cans and possibly a dumpster. And can you imagine that you got to pay money to have something come to your house so you can throw you shit away? It's just boggles the mind. But apparently the person that uses this studio full time won't throw anything away, including the many razor blades I have found lying about the floor, shelves, tables, just about anywhere. Think he uses them to sharpen his pencils. Not sure, but you don't want to just come across one arrantly while you are cleaning. I've been injured while doing many things, but injured walk cleaning is pretty new to me. I've certainly cut myself washing dishes. I'm not sure if that counts. I'm not sure if I remember had a count, because I've lost track of the days that this pandemic has been in effect, though I do know it's march, and the reason I know that is because I just paid the rent. So I'm looking...

...forward to the day when I can get together with beauty and give her a good spanking. You now and you. Who am I talking to now? The audience or you? Well, I'm talking to you, beauty. You know it's true that you and I have got to figure out a way that we can make a million dollars and fuck all this shit. Know what I'm saying, and I think that's the first time I said you know what I'm saying. This whole conversation have I dropped the FBOMB even once. Somebody asked me that how many times have we said the word fuck on our podcast night? Said, Gee, at least a thousand at this point, and that does not include all the motherfuckers. So Gee, I didn't know anyone was keeping count, but maybe we'll have a little counter going in the corner of the screen that shows the F bombs we've used. We can make a cute little fbomb icon or something. Yeah, I getting can get to work on that. Am I think I need to get to work with my hair. Can't do anything with it, just all fly away and fluffy, and fluffy is not something that I ever want to really be described as. Now, of all the things that people have said to me about me in the past, I doubt anyone has ever said that guy's fluffy. I don't even know what that white me, other than my hair's a bit fluffy, a bit fly away, and that's because I just grew it out and I forget all the rules. So if there's anybody out there who can help me to make my hair look better, I appreciate it. As for the rest of me body, by Burger King, I am definitely going to get on the treadmill a little more. This is one of the reasons I hate to be on zoom or youtube or any type of video. Really is because of my triple chins. And they say the camera puts on twenty pounds. Well, it puts on way more than that for me, but the mask takes ten years off and it really does make me feel young to wear this masks, mostly because makes my nose break out like a teenager. So how are you doing, beauty? I hope this message finds you well. I thought we'd be talking to each other, but of course I have yet to master the art of Zoom. If it is in fact an art, I think it's an APP, which is not necessarily the same thing, unless your art is programming, and then it's our. I guess you can say anything is our. For example, I drew this just the other day. I'm only kidding. It's just one of the pieces of far I'm finding piled up all around this place. Here we have and be util sea scape. I live like next to the ocean, so I need to look at that too much. But you find out kinds of crazy stuff here here. You might like this one those. That's right. One thing I have not found a lot of in here. Is Pains of Naked Women, and I really was looking, but not a one more landscape, seascapes, oddscapes and no scapes. And yes, there might be no escape from this huge pile. But, as you can see, this is much more of an improvement than the shed doom. Not Being in the garden shed is okay with me. Even though I am a Hoe, I don't belong in a garden shed. And I'm a rake, but I'm not a shovel. Oh, I am a hammer there in the shed too. What else? A my screwdriver? I don't think so. Wow, maybe, sometimes, couple times a week. Sometimes, that's one way to describe that. Guy's a screwdriver. At least that's what his wife said, which is different in a screwhead, screwball, Huh, or just playing being screwy. So here we are, March, second year of beauty and the beast, and twice the beast, twice the beauty, basically...

...because of the pandemic. Yes, I have put on weight, but I recently had something really great happened in my life. I regained one belt notch. That's right, I pull it one tighter. Didn't pass out, didn't get a headache, so I think I probably. I think each belt notch must represent between five and ten pounds, because I'm too scared to get on the scale and see what actually weigh. So I'll never really know until I feel like I'm under two hundred again, and then I'll jump on that sucker. But even when I get near this scale now I's like, nope, not yet, not yet. That's one of those electric scales of talks. I don't know. I got the Gordon Ramsey scale but I didn't like it. was like you fat, fuck it off of me, which we have to add a thing to the fbomb meter. He shouldn't hear that. And then it turns out Gordon Ramsey is really, in real life, though, almost the complete opposite. And it just shows you that you're allowed to be your old crazy cell phone TV long as you're ratcheted down at home, I suppose. I guess I'll never know, because I would not consider this television. I don't even like being on the video anymore. You know, I tried one time to have a SELFHELP positivity channel and then one time I started a horror channel, and we even do something really cool called March madness, where took seasty four monsters putting me in brack is out, blah, blah. It's been a hundred hours working on that stuff and not even a hundred people watched it. So if you were one of them, I love you. And maybe Harror Bang won't return from the dead, I don't know. But that positivity Shit, no way no why? I look at those videos of myself and I'm like, what in the Goddamn Hell is this man thinking? Who is he to give anyone any kind of advice on anything, lettle them being positive. I'm positive, maybe every other day, every other hour. So just as negative as the next guy really, and maybe that's the videos I should make. How to be more negative in life? Well, stay on facebook is one. You know it. Just have an evil point of view. Okay, everything can be awful if you wanted. The Sun is shining US too hot. The Wind, the breeze, is blowing, it's too cold. We're going to grab some lunch, good, because I'm starving. You know those people. They can complain about anything. Just the other day I met one who I gave a gift. That's right, I give give people gifts. Still out of the blue and one of the things I knew this person like was those little chocolates, as little hershey's minis. I got big bag, big bag, not a little bag, that the big bag, and I was like, welcome back, I hope you had a great vacation. He hears something for you, Candy dish, and they looked at me and went oh, thanks. Now I got to blow the whole diet. So I was disclosed to tell you're not bag back, but I said nothing. Say absolutely nothing, dude, is my policy. It's called the sand theory. Say absolutely nothing, dude, spells sand. And so lately I've been saying nothing to the point where I've been biting my tongue, physically biting my tom so it doesn't wag while the people are talking, and I'm so good at it that I've got a permanent ridge in my tongue now. I've ruined like twenty five days. But but anyway, I'm rambling on because that's what I do and I'm trying to fill time before beauties BITs, and I don't know, maybe she should play this after her bits, because you probably won't even get through it to get to her bits. So if you're waiting for her bits. Now would be a good time to tune in. I'm beast and this is something stick around for our non Saint Patrick's the song. Drinking Games are games of chances. If you look you is your pains. Take a drink with a lover come. He can range you three wishes. Oh wait, he's not a genie. Oh yeah, labricorns of pots of gold. If you catch one you must be Bo it's easier... get a bag of we take above and plans to see lecrophones could be a little bitches if they catch you with the gold. To be sleeping with the fishes. Drink it up and drink it down, but be aware of the scary comb Whoa, this is some good. We happy on seeing Patrick's Day. Go smoke some. We tune in next week for another episode of the beauty in the be showwww showcom.

In-Stream Audio Search


Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (73)