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Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast

Episode 28 · 2 years ago

Episode 28 - Hodge Podge

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Welcome to Episode 28 - Hodge Podge where we talk about everything and nothing. Enjoy! 

Welcome to the Beauty and the Beast Show! Beauty and the Beast is a show with comedian, Kristine Knowlton (Beauty) and an ex-comedian Mark Hills (Beast) coming together to make and create a show about nothing and everything in between! Please sit back and enjoy some of their best comedic diarrhea! Disclaimer: For best results play the whole show backwards with the sound completely turned off.

Check them out on the web: https://beautyandthebeastshow.com/

Direct all hate mail to: beautyandthebeastshow69@gmail.com

Coming to you almost live from lakeside. I'm beauty and I'm beast, and here we are once again. We are back. We are back with episode number twenty seven, seven and a half. Twenty seven and a half. there. It's not officially not cause, you know, we skipped that week with all that bullshit going on with my life, which I'm happy to say is somewhat resolved. Who whoo. And we had a tornado, and that's kind of Shit. Power outage. It was fucked up. Oh, it's great, it's great. Hurricane and two tornadoes and one day, maybe even more. Two tornadoes, two tornadoes, and now for the alm musical out. Not Cyclones, bitch, no, fuck that. Tornadoes all the way. The wind is a hundred and two miles per hour. Folks, you got a nail down your little pets and take in your shit because of Oh, we found all kinds of wild shit in the backyard afterwards, all kinds of floaties from people's pools that got airborne. I guess I can bet actually remember this one storm. I have a storm story that is weird. Like. Can you like actually, you know, take all your stories and just like categorize them? I suppose you could, I guess so, but they bleed over too often. It's like sometimes just a storm story. It's a drunken storm story and I cut my hand that that's when it kids fucked up. This one was actually a true story. We live in Lake side and my neighbor, if I say again, I'm going to kill myself anyway. So we just moved into lake side. We met our neighbor and everything, and she's awesome, has a couple kids, and she texts me one night, it was like around midnight, and she's like, do you have a tarp by any chance that I could borrow? And I'm thinking, I'm like it's midnight. I'm like what the hell, and then I was like okay, so I texted her back. I'm like painters or campers, you know, because I'm like well, maybe she likes to paint at night. I don't know. But what happened? was there a storm going on, thunder lightning, all that kind of stuff here it was on her balcony, balcony upstairs, three, three floors up, she had outdoor furniture and she had tied them together and she had a tarp over them. Well, apparently the wind blew it upwards the table that that it was attached to right and the table was airborne and it came out and it actually smashed right into her windshield. Ha Ha. I was like, Oh my God, it was hers and that the neighbors I know, like we honestly, we just thought that it was thunder, like we heard this loud crash and we just thought it was, you know, Thunder. And she said she was up in a room and she looked outside the check on the furniture or whatever, and it was missing. And then she's like, Oh my God, so she had went just went outside for brief second and there it was, like right on her car, right in the windshield. and Luckily enough, Weirdos that we are, we do have this huge camping tarp. I was like yeah, we got it, and I was like, Mike, come out and, you know, get your shoes. We got to go out and, you know, tie this up so that water doesn't get into the car. So I was like we get out there. It's like her, she's out there, her two kids are out there. We're like tying this thing down. Thank God, I always keep the ropes attached to the tarp, so it made it like so much easier to like tie downs are like the wheels and everything like that. And it was. It was safe. The only thing that had to be replaced was the windshield. So it's like, thank God that didn't flood. But now we have a joke anytime that's about the storm or anything, we're like, we should tech, we should call text or call the neighbor to make sure her furniture is all set for the storm or if she's going to need a tarp. So the last time that we had the hurricane, I was like, don't worry, we still have the tarp over here. It's like, ha ha ha. So that was like my kind of storm story. It was crazy. But yeah, we were fortunate that nobody was walking around that night, so nobody got, you know, killed by, you know, a table and the only table up their ass. Oh God, that I think possible. That would be horrible. But it's like she was so grateful and everything. It's like she barely knew us and we helped her out big time and so that her car didn't get flooded...

...and get ruined. And they said that was the only thing that had to be done was the windshield being replaced and I think just a little bit of the roof had something that had to be done was someone had to capture on video and send it for that stupid show to win ten thousand fucking dollars. That is true. Then it was storming that night. But yeah, that's found it. Let's let's type parachutes to our furniture up on the top floor and see what are they lay. Okay, I remember. I have a giant beer tab story. Well, it's actually I guess it's an art story, but that's a subcategory. Giant beer tap. Yeah, and D we had d class in college and we needed to make a gigantic version of something's very small. That was the project. I made a gigantic version of a snickers bar. That was awesome, but my friend made a gigantic beer tab. He cut it out a tin and folded it up and it was just giant tab, probably about three foot long. Okay, so imagine this giant beer tap and to celebrate your getting an a you hang it out your window on the fifth floor of your apartment building. The wind blows it down and now becomes a flying Guillotine from Hell. Oh, descending towards the street and you're watching it going this isn't gonna be good, and it actually decimates. It took out like four pigeons. One on the way down got his wing right off to your Lord. It was amazing and of course you didn't go down and claim it. He just was like yeah, well, I've got my a don't need that thing. Nope, the pigeon blood all over it lost a few birds but didn't wrong in screams. Lost Track of it when it run around the corner. That was the end of it. Awesome. Yeah, that's one of okay, so I know those taught. Those stories tied together things flying through the air stories. There we go that. So do you have any other things flying through the air stories? Not since breakfast. Oh what was that one? Not since breakfast. I don't know. That's just a saying that I say. That's I don't call that on it, you know. I mean, I guess. Well, one of the reasons why we stopped going camping when I was younger is because we were like jinxes. Every time we went camping there was a hurricane. Sounds like, oh storm, of course, like we had to, you know, evacuate the campground and everything everyone's phones going off, alert, alert. No, we did have phones back in the s man it was it was like the weather and the people that are in the camp. It was I just go get the hell out of dog O Campin and people would leave because they saw a spider. Like yeah, it's the woods, it's a spider. It's like when I go, you should go. She definitely go because I it's my experience. There's more spiders and they're not the worst things. We used to hear things screaming in the middle of the night in the woods and you didn't, he couldn't explain what they were. So I always pass it off as migrating birds. Mr Katter. Mr Katter, I got a story for that one. You know, screaming things in the night, talking about spiders. Well, a lot of women. What's happening now? Well, a lot of times things in the night. I'm thinking besides myself. But yes, a long time ago I traveled around with the yield Nottingham players. This was a renaissance fair thing and I was the character of Mary mayhem and I got a little aggressive with things. By the time we ended the run I was known as Mary Masochist, but anyway, one night we were just sitting around eating dinner and everything, and this one girl Gana she's like, oh my God, there's a spider, you know, crawling up the candle or whatever, and she actually took the damn later and she lit it on fire and it let out a little scream. It's just like, Oh my God, I'm so are like what the hell? It literally was like mad. Think that was all the air bursting through its Shell. It was so great an actually scream. She's like you've rubbed off on me. I was never like that. Help me hun fire. It is great it did. It let this little scream out. It's like you felt so damn bad and that's a scream like when you throw a lobster in the pot of water. It's it's not the actually thing screaming. I know it's the air rushing out of its asshole. I know I scream whenever rushes out of my only minute screaming, and it's mine. It's little mind. It's screaming, and that's even probably worse. That's twice the scream right there. I can't actually get the fucker out her. It's like no, don't boil me, don't worry on me out. So I guess our topic today was stream of consciousness or definitely...

...haven't come up with anything yet that he's cohesively any kind of theme. JUST gonna call this up in the air. So I think we were talking about something about comedy. We're talking about masks, because we've got to wear those fucking things all the time now. Oh yeah, I saw the funniest thing, a bunch of teachers and school board people having a zoom meeting deciding kids have to go back to school. Actually, like they they can't get together to have the meeting, but they're going to send everyone right back to school. But whatever. I know it's crazy. It's like, oh my gosh, yeah, children wearing masks, like half of them can't even keep clothes on and they want, you know, mass to be war junior high. My acting so bad. I'd either have you know, I would figure out like hey, kids, here's an acne mask. He put this on all day in your acne goes away. There's now there's a product. I'm looking for the next million dollar idea, right, but that that may be because either your act he's going to just clear right up from you breathing on it all day or it's going to get ten times worse. I guess I just not look forward to having to wear a mask all day. Yeah, not all days. It's like I don't even like doing it grocery shopping, but I do it. Tell you time have to wear one all day, it's going to be one of those big fucking mascot head things. Oh hell yeah, when are conditioning it out a television. Yeah, that's the way to go. I'm like, I'm looking, I'm like, should I wear my winter soldier mask out today? Yeah, I'm going to be in a furry or whatever the fuck they're called. I'm like, yeah, it's like just turn everybody into like superheroes and super villains. It's like, screw it, you know, scrawling. If you have to wear something, you want to wear. That's how I see it anyway. And we all have a mask on anyway. Blah, blah, blah. Exactly. People people bitching up about mask and cosplayers are just laughing. It's like it's like we wear them all the time. It's like, what the Hell? Definitely. There's some like could not, I can't. I'm not. I'm not CLAUSTROPHOBIC, a hundred percent, but I don't want to encase my fucking head and anything I can't just get the fuck out of. I saw these guys with they were basically had their heads inside of actual fish tanks. I don't want to do that. Yeah, now, that's about it to my cosplay that much. That's my well, the way things are going, that's white where we're headed. You know, everybody just grab a fish container, you know. I think, though, that there's there's definitely someone needs to start taking advantage of these zoom things to make some living breathing comic books, because you can change the backgrounds of Shit. People can do the cheesy dialog. Oh Yeah, you know, you got four people, five people standing by. The guy can just walk you through a latest issue of some marvel rag. It's like speaking of doing all that. Oh yeah, I have a show coming up on Saturday with comedy live. Now. The show starts at three PM. It is Improv and yes, we will be doing funny newscast and we will be changing our backgrounds and everything like that, and I will find more about that out at six PM tonight. Yeah, but yes, we are. We will do that and maybe we will do like a superhero thing, because that sounds freaking awesome. Well, on the other hand, though, you're already using tried and bullshit and zoom, you know, like already zoom is played out. There's nothing to discover about it. Or you know, so much fun, though. I mean it's so easy to change the backgrounds and just just have fun with it and just have fun. Where's that? What time is the nude part start? The nude far yeah, the nude, the naked news. That's after midnight. This thing starts at three fucking PM. I gotta Watch for nine hours to see some tens watch that long. Okay, tune in at midnight. All right, like they'll be anything there, every one, guy like I. We knew you were coming. The police will be here any minute and Sucker, you'll show up at midnight. There won't be anybody. How you getting paid for this again in Karma points? Yes, it's got a big Old Bank of those fuckers. Now we usually have our our venmos or whatever flash on the screen. So flashing my Venmo, actual baby, doing a's like we get some do nations that way and everything. It's great. You know, I trimmed up my Venmo just for this hell. Yeah, my fmmos always been waiting. Now I don't have a Venmo. You know, I have a Venomo, but my venmo on my Venomo is well, I can't beat around the Bush because I don't...

...have NASTASA Venmo. The even more the even Malin Zy Bush is no longer I always recommend you just carve that little sucker in the shape of a heart, ladies, it's where all our hearts go anyway, right to that Vagina, the vagina. What a word, Vagina. Why's it got to be three syllables? I know, right, maybe six or more at least. That's like everything else. Get the more, just keeps getting longer and longer. The Vagina. That's why I like girls named Regina. I Call Him Regina, stop my name. He's like the Vagina Party, like we all do. Just the China, yeah, just vagina, just China. How I love you, how I love you, my dear okay, go down. Yeah, China and singing about that, since it was invented, since singing was invented. When was singing invented? I have no clue. You think it was a bunch of caveman just like hitting rocks together and grunting. I think that was the origin of music and the hand and they were groupies, fucking cave girl groupies, I'm guessing. So, I mean, if people really want to know they swings Daddy. Oh, they should check out, you know, Mel Brooks History of the world part one. I'm sure that will answer so many big questions. Never bring anymore. You just use your imagination and you just because it's in your fucking DNA. Yep, caveman is still in there. You just have to reach in there and get through all the gray matter and you'll be able to connect to your caveman roots. This is a problem people have. They're so disconnected from the caveman routes. They have no what is it called? Insight? No, that's not it, for sight, m intuition. That's the one. They've lost their intuition. I'M gonna say forceps, but I'm like that's totally not only lost your forceps, that's the doctor's problem, unless you're using them for a roach clip. Were you using the forceps for our road clip again, nurse? That would be like the world's biggest roach clip for SAPS. I mean, can you imagine like trying to you know, like, wow, it could hold a baby in it. Wow, that's like just too much right there. That's just too much. Let's go back to Jinatown. Talk about Vaginas. What they're so beautiful. Yeah, it's like a rose, like a Georgia O'Keefe painting. It is it's like you just can't look away. Yeah, you can look inside, though, if you get a chance. WHOOHOO, you see. You have the back, though. You better shut her down. fucked up going on there. Right, rap, I lost my flashlight, honey. What's in there? Somewhere next to the forceps? You're right, you mean my roach clip. Damn, that's a big do be you just rolled. Well, I use a forceps for a roach clips. You the math. A giant Roach for drug giant Roach cliff. So, as vagina going to be something that comes up on this Improv thing, or that has to wait till midnight too? It might be I have no clue. I'm like I used to vagina. So I have wrote it out, a little road out, a couple of clips and everything, and we're gonna find out which way my mind tends to wander. And since we're talking about now, that's probably where it's going. To end up. So yes, all right. So basically we're priming the pump for this six o'clock meeting and then you're going to go all vage on everybody and I'm gonna be like a year out. Pretty much. That's the midnight show, bitch. Didn't anyone tell you? I like. Luckily, it's just a raiders meeting today. Like, Dude, Oh, you guys are writing the Improv well, sketches and things like that. Sketches, sketchy improv comedy, a little here and there. You know, kind of how long is this thing gonna be? Like three hours? WHOA? Maybe, I don't know, maybe shorter. Hopefully three hours of only comedy. Just all right, just too but he does be Humanprov and everything. Unity Theater Troupe will be starting improv backup. We will be on zoom. We are starting September one. So anybody that wants in on it, it's like contact unity theater troupe and we will guide you from there. Guide you on zoom. Hey, your mic's on, turn your mic off. I know it's going to be so weird. At the moment it's like we are all looking for place, indoor, outdoor, whatever, just to get US started. So, Yep, that's definitely coming back around. It's going to be quite a challenge these days. And everything that...

...you did was shut down. Well, what about? What about that Stockton Arts Garage? Ones that place open? And again, I have no big got plenty of room in there for fucking anything socially, have a workshop and Improv they would. They would relish the thought of anyone coming fucking there for any reason. I know you're coming it. No, wit, no, we don't do that here. No, sure, we're doing that. Yeah, we're doing we're teasing fly fish in and we got a bowling class go and we any fucking thing. Come on here, this is art. We're doing JINA paintings. We need artists vagina paintings, which China pennies are only displayed at midnight and places closed. Can you imagine a glow of the dark vagina all over all the regular paintings flip over and reveal their vagina selves? It's right, Mona Lisa's Vagina, the Vagina Cave Nice and the batmobiles driving right in there, no problem, like, when you think about it. Yes, caves do have that, you know, arc to them and they kind of do look like vaginas. MMM, wonder if anybuddy in a cave has ever found the g spot where the gold is, the gold spot, the gold spine. So what else are you doing? You know, you seem like you have a very full zoom life lately. It's like Thursday night I'm doing a murder mystery, a zoom murder mysteries, which is pretty much all improvd. I'm like, this is going to be fun. I was like a twohour murder mystery, this should be interesting. Another, another, flashing my venmo venue. Pretty much bring a God. If you like our stuff, donate here. You know, like our stuff, send US money. Wow, it's like, please help the poll. It's please help the pull improvos. We have no run fast to go to. We have no nothing. We don't do nothing age anymore. We have. That's than nothing. We have enough show. I just want to stand near someone in frilly closed yea my speaking bad Shakespeare God well fought out atm I must just make a withdrawal if because I need me, damn it, because if I'm not drunk, this rentfare's gonna suck. Put on the open up on that far the Pennsylvania Renaissance Fair is, far as I know, are still opening. It's like I think they're opening in September. They're going to do a shorter run, but they are still opening their love of that facetty and a certain percentage or whatever, and it ain't gonna Happen. I'm like I everybody's remaining hopeful and well, the problem is you can't fucking travel to anything either. Yeah, so you know, it's all well and good that there's something else somewhere else, but we can't go there us. We have to fucking spend two weeks there and then two weeks when we come home, but only if we want to abide by the rules kind of thing. You know, I don't think many people are gonna put my own family at risk because there's a rent fucking fair. Yep, yeah, I see a bitches. I'm going. Sorry, grandma, I must do with this. I must do with this for my art. I shall bring the with me, grandma, and spit it then I still cast. I spit it out when I bring home the covid nineteen, baby man, covid nine. Well, as long as all y'all mass match your fucking costumes, right. Yeah, yeah, just don't be doe. She and am ordered mask with the sequins, whatever the fuck you need. Anybody like, we're just going to be like totally awkward. I'm like, okay, how are people supposed to take, you know, a nice photo with the Queen or whatever? It's like, yeah, you can't do it. He can. Oh, peasants, it's a plague out there. Pleasant you must realize this severity of this plague we have, Mi Lord. Oh well, no mass for you fool. It's like no mask for the full, the full shout. Die, watch him die for your amusement. Have Forsaken me, my Lord, down you will, down here. I'm so fucking evil. And Be Cool, though, you know. Yeah, you do that, like everybody's in the mass. You must wear your masks in the guy, the fucking guy, takes his mask, if you like, dies of the plague before every yeah, he turns fucking black, I mean, sir, purple, he said, where do you said? The Me Word? Who Turns purpleish blue, which is almost black...

...but not quite, sort of like a great. Yeah, that's it, that's that's it, like a great. And does that mean all of his body parts start to fall off? Well, no, because they've they fucking two guys grabbed by the legs and carry him offs, you know, off fucking scene or whatever you do at the Ren Fair. Eggit stage left with the Bubona like plague victim till his next performance. He's got to wipe all that blue makeup off of him right now and get another Alka Seltzer. So the for the foam effect. You can't have a smart if thou shalt take off thin mask. This is the results. People like horrified. They're like the yelp reviews the next day. Had Lots of fun at their renfair, but that whole fucking covid mass bubonic plague thing, I could have done without. that. Half of JR is scarred for life and the other kid loves it. He loved it. I know. There's always one that's right and then one that's like yeah, give me more, give me more. WHO said? Freddy Krueger? I'm a WHO's that? Freddy Krueger? Oh God, I love for Gugar. You think he'll stick his glove at my that's the that's Jason every I don't think you ever want to get fingered by Freddy Chetty, but Oh wow, like sorry, sir, yeah, fingered by Freddy. Five nights of finger by Freddie. There he oh, brother, damn fucking fan film. Talk about you know, clitterrect to me. My goddamn ow right, that with a Fishhook. Who boating accident? Wow, Nash doesn't have a clitch. He talks lower. An accident. I lost my clicking a fishing accident. Well, you speak lower now because of it. That in the twelve packs of cigarettes and day through this hole in my throat since I lost my hole in my vagina. Here it is comes down to the hole in the prick. That's right. Oh my gosh. So like I had to go get these this fucking biopsies of these nodules in my throat and they use these little fine, little fucking needles they get in there with. And I said that the doctor, that is the first time I've ever had those little pricks in my throat, and the nurses got up with the doctor. fucking dennit right, that's what the doctor was saying. Yeah, sure, that's what they all say, Buddy. Sure, you never have ever had a little freaking my throat before. I had a little tickle. It's not the same thing. Everybody enjoys a little tickle pickle in the throat. Yeah, that's it. That's a great saying, though. Pickle tickle, you know it, tickle, pickle pickles. Good Lord, I'm all over the place. Yeah, I think the wayfe a little pickle tickle. There we get the pickle tickle, the pickle tickle tickle. Sweet. Well, that's that. Can you know that can be used against you? Do you have a great big deal or have you got one of those little sweet little Gherkins? Your Games little and they get really tired jerking the Gherkin, jerking the Gherkin pickle tickle. Yeah, there you go. That's some kind of hand lotion or something. What is that? Jerking the Gherkin pickle tickle. Maybe it's supposed to help it expand. The makers of Jerkin. The gherkin pickle tickle comes vagina, whoohoo. It's like, well, we specialized in pickles for so long we thought we'd go the other way. Oh, you say the darndest things. I don't mean that other way, the back door. That doesn't tickle much, but he can't come in. So this is what happens to us when we have no concise we don't listen to talk. This is like the modge podge episode, modge pods episode, rhyming episode. It's the Hodge podge episode. Know, the MODGE podge EPIs Hodge podge, modge podge, modge podge. I thought that's that's stuff. You IT IS CRAFTS Dad. Dadda, you got it wrong, you a little crafter. You. Well, we were talking about art before we started,...

...so I guess there's a certain part of the brain that went over to that. Oh, because we were talking about the possibility that the Smith Phil Art Walk is going to happen on Saturday September nineteen and we're gonna be there in all our glory at separate tables because of the restraining order we have or will have by then, and also just you know, social distancing. Everyone's going to such I don't know how his fucking Shit's gonna work. How do you want is going to come to your table and be six feet away from you? Have to turn your table side. I know you're at the one end. Throw this Atchet, throw me your card, throw money at me. They got any Captain America? Yeah, down this way hasn't. Magnets are behind me, pillows or up front. My friend has her prices of joys are five dollars a piece, two hundred and ten, like we yeah, of course they're fucking Dan. I want to hit people that. It's like really, it's like don't make me. It's you don't make me. If in twoudred for nine would be better. I'm fitty now. I've been. It's really trying to get that every every last quarter out of them. Wait, we know we don't even have changes. Say working can change, keep it. I'm like, we don't even have change anymore. The whole change shortage. Like, how the Hell does that happen? It's like, well, I started to discuss jar a while ago and well, damn, it filled up an entire basement in a garage. And you know there's change out there. I know you want to cross the United States of America. Basically, it's like and what do you do now at the wow wow, when the other person's change is still in the and that's the thing. I don't know if any of you know what a Wah Wah is, but they dispense the coin change for your order into a little cup that everybody in the fucking world reaches into. One after another. If you want to spread disease, you can do it through the fucking change outlet receptacle thingy at the WOW wow. Sometimes people just go yeah, I don't want it now. I really know that four and a half cents. Give it to the Waw waw fond. The next guy's four and a half fucking sense extra. All right, right, iris the COVID for that. Fuck it. Oh yeah, I think most of the people just forget about their damn change anyway. They just leave it there. They're like whatever, you know, I don't need change, and alternative is using your debit card to pay. You know, a dollar seven. I know, and he wasted more than a dollar stands worth of I'm just getting to the screen where you can end of your shit so you can get your fucking dollar seven worth of whatever. It's like. Wow, a shit fucking dollar on Ya. I'll give you the seven cents just to get the fuck out of here with your debit card. Dollar seven my ass dollars. Guys like. Well, when I use my double card, I pay exactly. If I were to have a dollar seven, I would have to take ten dollars out of the ATM and then I would be attempted to spend eight dollars and ninety three cents, you cheap baster, he cheer. That's really that. I get it now, I get it, but aren't you gonna need a dollar seven to marrow? Well, yeah, so you couldn't possibly set the eight hundred and ninety three a side and seven yourself out of that till that's done. You. You just have no fucking control. What are you what? You can buy ten extra candy bars. What do you do with that? Eight dollars? Holy Shit, I know rights like, Oh my God, heavens, I can't spend it eight dollars or here we go, let me, let me buy it all today. You know, it's like why make eight like every day a trip's like just get it all at once, dude, because spending money every day is some people's habit or and or addiction. That's why they all suffered so greatly when they had to stay at home. First few weeks I couldn't go to retail. They were lamenting it and another we're all in the damn grocery stores. Where the hell they we're gonna find a chatch key's here. This is groceries. Yeah, I need to buy some random thing that I don't need but cost too much. I know, right, that's season. Oh my God, that's exactly what happened to it's like you go out to go grocery shopping and all the shelves are empty, like okay, who needs like nine hundred boxes of Saltine crackers? DROPPED BY ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? AM BY ANYTHING EXACTLY? It's like like my cards, right card, like one box of like it returns. I don't care what you got the back like, wow, nothing, sir, empty boxes. How much are they? HMM, people went...

...out and spent like crazy's like, you know, if you take these cardboard boxes and cut them up just right, they tastes like Ramon noodles. You Mean Ramin? I don't know what the fuck I mean. I mean that Shit fucking thing that cost ten cents. So I sure I'll take a case of those. I'll see it. Give me to all the rest of my life. I hate those two punish myself actually to remind me of times when I had nothing. That swollowing reason I suffer through that shit anymore. Give me a break. They're it's something to eat. It's not. Yeah, it's something to eat. We've all been there before. It's the Raman. I mean, if your fancy, get you, get the Cup of noodles, get thirty days with the you salt in taking one sir. Yeah, I go around in your ears are ringing. I know it's having my blood pressure. The noodles, drink, drink, ten gowns of water. I can't even take to that. I can't even take a lot of like the condensed soups and stuff like that. I have to rinse the stuff off because I'm like it is too damned salty. I'm like wow, it's like I just can't do it anymore. Can't do it like I used to. Yeah, we went out to eat last night, which was Nice, nice outdoor setting and socially distanced, and I had some clam chowder because I just look glamchowder and this was the Manhattan kind and it was delicious. And so now I must recommend lefties for the Manhattan and, of course, Tennessee Avenue Beer Hall for the New England. Those are my choices of clam chowder. Take it away, beauty. All I got on this clam chowder. This maybe your park clouder chowder. Clam chowder makes your farts louder. That's all I got. You know, I get so weak in the knee sometimes the average fart might knock me over. Oh Holy Crap, did you see those like little cars like this fiace and stuff like that? Like, I'm afraid if I ever drove oneter guy, want it and Fart it, I would like collapse the whole thing, the crumple zones, like, Oh my God, you should seem like the little door pop out, like like haw crap, there goes another suppository. Yeah, well, they you know, they had a guy, you invented a car that you could go to fast food and then it was powered by your farts. But of course they murdered him. Oh Lord, getting the way of big oil. Yeah, I don't know. I think Taco Bell would have made it short. Yeah, now these fucking car executives are driving around in their fart mobiles and laughing at us. I know they have them. I feel like so afraid to get into one of those vehicles and far and just like pass out from the smell. It's like, Oh crap, no, this little filter and because of that new car smell comes back out. Oh Wow, I really gets in your car to my Harold isn't there? Like what, wow, this is nice car, smell like you know it. TACO bell. Anyone have fart for your thoughts? Let's get off the shitty subject you started. I think. I know I did. I'm bad, you know, but little cars. We run the tape a tours. What did she say? Farts? Oh, it's about clam chowder. I like putting down clam chowder. I never got to into the CREAMY soups. I'm not into I don't know. I'm like the weirdest person in the world. I guess about creamy salad dress things. No, I like my salads raw dog in it. It's like that's Oh, that's that's a Vegan thing, I think. But I think the I think Anton Lavey, who ran the Church of Satan out there in California, used to gage people on what kind of salad dressing may ordered, because very masculine man would get would get oil and vinegar, but rather a feminine man would get some kind of creamy dressing. And I love creamy dressing, by the way. Actually I like it all. It's I don't like you can have your oil and vinegar, but that also has its place. But that to me is torture. Just why would anyone wants just douse their food with vinegar, unless it's a French fry? I know vinegar has its place in this world. It's on the French fry. It's not French right, rack on your French fries. Yeah, okay, a little bit holl vinegar on my Italian hoogies. Ah, yes, give me some of that oil and...

...vinegar on that, but then even then, vinegar, I got, got her regaino going you, salt and pepper, and that's what the salad dressing needs. I'm sorry, I was just like poisonous. Why? It's horrible traditional Lah. It's probably for me. It's like I do like them dry Um. Sometimes a little bit of the honey mustard dressing, but it's got to be like just a little bit. I am a mustard fiend. I used to eat that right out of the jar when I was a kid. I totally hate it. Out of the jar still dead was the best. Actually. Now I do it by the tablespoon, squirted in the tablespoon. Take it like your medicine. So Ken's has an awesome honey mustard. It's so good that when I taught at this college in Philadelphia was in the lunch room and I hated the soft pretzels, but I would buy them just so I could scoop that fucking mustard in my mouth without any way see actually eating mustard with a spoon out of a packet, and it was take extra. Yes, I'm a mustard feend and a pickle freak, that's for sure. I will go out of my way to get a good pickle, the brine kind, and luckily for me the little lady is quite the pickler. She's got jars and jars of stuff going all the time and it's quite good. Plus, every Thursday night in Smithville at the farmer's market is philly bills dells. Oh my God, they're so awesome and they're so fresh and they're just sweet ones and they've got hot ones. Amazing. One reason I go there. There's not much else going on at that farmers market, but there are pickles. For a minute I thought you were having a pickle basm it's like he has. I'm just going to show you. I don't know, I don't have my phone out. When we do these PODCASTS, folks, we just want to show beauty. My screen is, Oh yes, to remind me to buy pickles out. Too many kinds taste so big, lots, big lots of great place to find great pickles, imported pickles, the Christmas tree shops, Christmas two shops, yeas to find pickles. As are the best. And the BJ's has a gigantic jar of Dell pickles for like five hundred ninety nine. Its crazy. You get in there and swim your way of the top and just eat your way. That's up with the bills like AH and A. Pickles is a good cheat on a diet because it basically has zero calories. I Yep, yeah, that's what you should invent the all pickle diet. They all pickled Diet. Let's do it. Yes, yes, let's test this out, baby, let's see where it goes. Okay, well, I do recall when I was younger, when I was a kid, I ate an entire jar of sweet Gherkins. Yes, I drank the juice. Well, you like the olives to night drink. Did you know that? Too much of an all of her oh now, let's go right along with it. Okay, who sweet Gherkins? I ate them, I drink that and let's just say, boy, it cleaned out my system. I've had the that was the best in the eating a pickle bars. Pickle Bar, forty selections of pickles, some may there, some brought in. I've had pickle stuff with blue cheese. Of course. Have had deep fried pickles all day long. Hell Yeah, those are the best. What's awesome as people who don't like deep fried pickles, we let them and they I want to try one. Let them try one the minute they come out of the oven, because they're like pieces of hot cold and been at the bottom of the stove. You like. Sure, dig right in and they throw one of those puppies in their mouth. So who? And they burn the shit out of something. I don't want any more of those guys. More for me, try my mom fucking pickles. Order your own goddamn pickle. That's what you give for doing that. Now sit down and let me enjoy my pickle. I'll tell you how tough things are getting out there. I went to a restaurant and I'm a regular there. I have been eating that this restaurant for almost twenty years, and I said was finishing up my sandwich and I said the guy, Hey, could you get me another slice of pickle? And he came out and he had to take my check and adjust it by fifty cents because the going rate for an extra slice of pickle there. Now it's fifty fucking cents extra places the pickle, like they charge for this. Yeah, again, make that every time I blink. Buddy, wow, look at the fucking pickle go get for is a dollar. I'm drawn, damn it are. I'll bring my own necks gone pickle crazy. Today there's two dollars. Me Too. Whole fucking peckles right now. Every four dolls, I think, fifty cents a quarters. Use shall...

...serve me. Penal Math is off. It's okay. Everybody's pickle. I don't treat waiters like that, just the owners. They bring me a slice of your finest pickle. Well, I'm not sure blood we have quite a variety. It's like, what's your average? The biggest? I want my money's worth. God Damn it right, if I babe for it, Kirkin, four hundred and fifty cents. They get they he'll out of here. Get that. I do have at everything, folks. I do have a fried pickle story, and yes, it is at the rent fair. Oh Yeah, I think I've heard this one. Go ahead. Good, one of these years. Back in the day, it was one of those school days fares. It's when we let the school children come for a few hours and you've warped their mind. Nine to two or something like that, something idy biddy, and there's no lunch break for the actors that day at all. They don't feed us, they don't do anything. We're on our own for food and he by the end of the day you actually smell authentic to we're not that bad anyway. So the Katie who played the duchess, she's like, I don't know whether I went fried pickles or if I want chicken on a stick, and I was like, well, why don't you buy one and I'll buy the other, and why don't we just split them, you know? So we ended up doing that and everything. The chicken was right to eat right away, but the fried pickles were, you know, hot as hell, you know. So we're like, well, let's see if those she's like, let's eat them at the chess match and I was like can we do that? She's like I don't see why the hell not. I was like, okay, so we waited in everything and we get to the chess match and we're up on the Diet and everything, and you know, there's swords going all around us. We're just eating pickles whatever, and somebody said something funny and the Jackass character, I can't remember who's standing next to me, but he was one of those laughers and he put his hand on my back, but he slapped it. Don't I swallow a whole piece of fried pickle and it kind of gets jammed down in there, but I'm okay, I'm okay, it goes down and everything. I'm good. I'm good now. Following after that was the very first time that I had ever gone to wizard world in Philly. I went with a whole bunch of people from the Renaissance Fair and everything, and we're there, we're doing our thing, we're having a good time whatever. I get something to drink, I go to swallow, I can't swallow it. My face turns like bright purple and Katie's like, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, and finally I gulped it down and I was like who. She's like, are you okay? And I was like you remember that? Pickle from the chess match about nine hours ago. She's like, yeah, I was like, I just swallowed it. She's like, Dear Lord. So that was my fried pickles story and it had a happy ending. Brought to you by Jerkin, the Ghirkin pickle tickles. That's everybody, the jarful. Nothing like having a pickle washing in your throat. But I mean we love it, like at the Renaissance Fair, because pickles hydrate you and everything, and even if you drink the pickle juice, that's good for you. So it's like, I believe one time Katie invented the pickle teeny and, which was just the pickle juice and, you know, one of the fancy cuffs. So we have pickle teeny's, no booze. Sometimes. Yeah, I've had a Wasabi teeny WHOA, which was basically the Saki. Some was sabby and some soy, and we were pounding those down. Holy Wow, they're good. I think it would burn out my system. Well, I've come from a long line of pickled people. pickled people. Yeah, that's cool. Charman's weepen pickling sons is the beginning. We have the sock rout. Well, I loves this Sauter Cross, yes, which is also easy to make it home yourself too, and that's usually horseradish and souer krowd are like two old school things to have around to help you stay healthy. Yeah, I give you good, good flora. They get me metabolism up. And actually, pharmacies used to specialize having fresh horseradish. Like aw, some valium and some horseradish. I also used to be able during prohibition, if you are hardcore alcoholic, you can go to the pharmacy and get pharmaceutical booze. Actually had these little prescription was on the back of the bottle and the position pharmacists would sign his name. That filled your point. Nice. It's like hell, yeah, I guess that was like the equivalent of like medical marijuana. Totally wise. Yeah, that's why, that's why, that's why the fucking liquor stores did not shot down during quarantine because, Holy Hell it, Oh my God, people will be losing their minds to keep more than answer is open. And had to keep the had to keep the liquor store open,...

...but for sure. But the best part was they shut all the churches. Now, yeah, where they have sacramental wine as it's sacrificial both. Get me on the subject. Oh Wow, Ye, that brings me back. If somebody the other day gave me one of those. What are they? What's the company that makes them crisp? I think it is there the Little Bible tracks. They're awesome. They are so funny. This one, this one was great because they the person saw the masonic memorabilia that I have in my in my Home Office, and I have that because of a long line of people in my family being freemasons. I was myself one for a while, but it's not the whole illuminati con versy bullshit everybody thinks. Maybe it's having at some high level. I never got into but meanwhile they give me this little tract and the people in this little track they're their daughter, Ha had no more will to live and she had tried to commit suicide and she was in the hospital and they had to renounce their freemasonry and order of eastern star ties, burn all their memorabilia in the backyard, pray to God to forgive them and then they're sit their daughter was miraculously healed. Has Great. How that worked out in sixteen pages. Only was that easy. We wish people are going to tell me it is they. It was American venient that was set upcle my ass, miracle. Wait, it's second that. Yeah, they just do that. Screw with other people. Yeah, isn't that like some wall in the Bible, like thou shalt not screw with other people or something, that that should be the law? It's like no, thou shalt judge everyone, and they'll shall make up a miracle that people will believe, but it is total bullshit. It depends on which faith you buy into later believe in anything. They all have their destruction of the world story. They all have their re erection stories. They're all pretty much the same story, just with it a little different spin and the names have been changed to protect the inn some of them are so strikingly similar that you definitely can see the origins of Christianity through the ages, based on every other thing, pretty much. I'm still convinced that Jesus was a Hippie and he pokes. Yeah, he smoked pot and hung out with a prostitute. You know, that's right. My whole day sister probably probably probably had some good threesomes going on. My babies with wars on. Jesus was a baby, just discovering his powers. Well, his powers are his penis. Know, his powers resurrect the dead and you're like, oh Jeez, my cat died. And and then you you go out and there's your cat, like to like she's please stop bringing my cat back. Every time you do he looks worse than the time before, like you said. You said you wanted him back. Not like that, Jesus, look his poor little skulls exposed. It's horrible. He's like a mobile pet cemetery. Let's bring all these creatures back to life. They'll just keep stone in your cat because he's so horrible. Oh my God, Jesus keeps bringing it back. It's like Jesus Christ stopped up. Don't say my name and being either real cat back grandma, which one on? Okay, the cat's cat, the Cat Bitch? All right, then it's saddled. Your cat show resurrect for all eternity until it's just like a basically a spine. Oh Hey, and just like quivering in this I would want to see that. That's the end. That's the end of tragic tale. Jesus resurrecting cats. Don't man. This episode has been a trip. This episode has been not saying any acid before this episode, so I may have. It was a trip for you. Come on, do it. Not since breakfast have I had any LSD or other PSILOCYBON or psychedelic drug. Maybe that's what it could have been a because this whole show could have been about drugs. And we finally get to this bay. Oh Wow, yeah, we here we are near the end. Yeah, here the end. We're fucking wasting our times wrapping it up. Yeah, and I still I want to do that pickle die and I'm like totally for cereal on that.

All Right, I'm talk to Phillip Bill Dill's. I gotta go on Thursday. Say That we want to come up with a pickle, diet pickle. Would you have for breakfast? We have bread and butter. Maybe I think you'd have a pickles on a piece of toast. Oh yeah, piccle with a great half a grapefit. What about? There's a fucking and black coffee. There's your pickle breakfast. Folks, every day police that used to be around here used to legit slice up a big ASS lill pilk pickle and make a sandwich out of it and it was delicious. You stuff. Oh yeah, like meats and things like that are so those. One of my favorite things was discovering pickled dogs, putting a big old slice on your hot dog with some with some mustard, and drinking some some chocolate milk with that at the same time. Hmm Yeah, pickles and chocolate milk, and I'm not even near pregnant as I used to be. I'm afraid that maybe long time ago, pickles and chocolate milk or the bomb. I still say that. I'm sure we'll make a bomb coming out the other end. Worry about these things. I'm not standing behind me right exactly. Run in the elevator with me? Well, I am, but at the same time I'm not heavy like. Well, that's the trick. Well, with me. I'm with those people that are like fifty lactose and tolerant, like you don't know until I hit you. I'm like you're technically not body at work, mine a vacation. There you Y. my mind is sometimes like those and tallerant me. Lord. Oh, just so, have the ice cream here. It causes seems to be faring well. I I hope I'm fine, but then if I eat out, it's like, Oh hell no, more fudge, less ice cream alone. My dear Lord, what have you done? She ate a pickle on a bun and there she sat out in the Sun and to cry her tale of woe for everyone, or anyone who fucking listen. There we got the rent fare, which was the kids from nine to two. And here we go. We are actually wrapping this up, and we are wrapping it up at four hundred and twenty, forty, twenty, may twenty, baby love the bus. Get those fucking kids out of here. This has been one hell of an episode. I'm beauty checks to seven with it. WWW, done eating the showcom.

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