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Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast

Episode 73 · 2 months ago

Beauty and the Beast Show Episode 71 - Getting it Done

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Beauty and the Beast Show Episode 71 - Getting it Done  

Segments for this Episode: Intro Bon Jovi Mix Down Sploosh News Apathy Alert Robo-Beast Basic Bitch Season Rat Basted Theatre Outro  

Vote for Beast https://faceofhorror.org/2022/mark-34-spark-34-harold-hills-iii?fbclid=IwAR0xosZdsEspyxrzzp2HtaR80WC1uEkAvlI6AzC6PNnxExV3TaRfCLDicF0 

Vote for Beauty https://faceofhorror.org/2022/kristine-knowlton?fbclid=IwAR1Sb7D5H_8I5HB3ZDScuEXhYIykbd_qfu7Nsv4OiTTF6BTDZzWYcjFIyms   

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M Okay, H M M, coming to you almost live from lake side. Hello, everyone, welcome back to the beauty of the me show. I'm Christine Loldan, I'm beauty. Welcome to episode number seven one. Boy, I sure do miss numbers Sustin. It seems so far away, but it was only a couple of episodes ago. Well, we've got an awesome show lined up for you tonight. Hell Yeah, we've got beauty spits, we've got beast BITs, we've got all sorts of bits going on. There's stuff about Bon Jovie, there's the Splue News Brat Pastor Theater. Hell Yeah, we've got that going on here. What else we got going on? I know we got Robo Beast. Hell Yeah, Robo Beast is coming on. Oh, we have got some stuff for you. We've got the amphitheoler. Oh, you're gonna love that one. I am doing this not in fucking order, but that's okay. I've got a D D. So thank you all for tuning in and I'm not gonna keep this intro to fucking long because we've got a show to do. That's right, Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another do you tm the beast show. Let's get right to the comedy gold. Okay, beauty and the beast a comedy feast enough two feed your head. They want the most, but give the least. It's better than being dead, at least I think, but maybe be not. I just don't know. These days I feel so low and this year has destroyed my calm, mick ways, so a lot of people say, I never had them. Anyway. You may now be seated, m m M. Well, folks, I just gotta tell you it's really been a rough summer. It's been such a rough fucking summer. It actually started back in May. That's how tough this summer has been. And it started in May with a little trip to the game land. That's where we were happy to investigate...

...it. Trek through the salt water swamp, which is located just a few miles from my home, and I'll tell you what, if you've ever been to a swamp, water swamp, it looks very much like an alien landscape, not that I've ever been off this planet without the use of drugs, but definitely looks like some type of distant shore on another world. But the one thing that distant shore has in common with the planet Earth is ticks, and I happened to step into a nest of them. In fact, I don't think I stepped in it and I think I joyfully leaped into it and I was covered with so many ticks and it took a trip to the hospital to resolve it. And this was one month before my scheduled surgery for thyroid remove all that's right. My new raspy voice has attributed to that, to thyroid of removal, and the doctors apparently I'm lucky to have a voice and I have not gotten my singing voice back yet, even though some people say I never actually had a singing voice. But then again, I can talk nice and low. So we're going down the down low every day now, because that's about all I can do. It's very strange. So I have no kind of mid range in my voice. I can either talk very, very low. Well, I can talk very, very high, and it doesn't seem to be much in the middle. And Uh, we're gonna be working on that, folks. It could be a long time. If it were the old logo go. It's our hundred percent again and affected maybe never, which makes me sad because I'm no longer hit at the Karaoke party unless I'm doing some Berry White, and a lot of times that doesn't keep the party going, not the way a good old rocker would. So so that's how the summer started, with chicken vision and complete removal of my thyroid, and from there I was feeling pretty good, pretty good until I got my covid nineteen booster. Well, let me tell you, they I got that booster, I thought I was going to die. I had at ten fifteen minutes of uncontrollable muscle spasms started in my feet and worked its way up to my chest. I collapsed in bed and passed out. I probably should have go into the e R, but believe me, you really don't want to go to the e R when you have covid because they take that ship pretty seriously and you never know when you're gonna check out again. So we skipped that ship show and UH tucked it out at home for two solid weeks of Hell on earth. And it was actually easier to recover from the thyroid removal than it was from the COVID. So just remember that when they say to you, Hey, would you rather have covid or would you rather have your thyroid removed. Go for the thyroid folks, but I'm just really sick and tired of my doctors telling me things like this is the mouth painful thing you'll...

...ever have to endure, because it's just not true. Every time they say that, some other more painful thing come strotting down the road to prove them wrong. So many time those words start to come out of a doctor's mouth, this is the most painful, I say shut up, please shut up, because I've had all the most painful things. I've had two shingles, very painful. I like Kidney Stones Multiple Times, passing one of those pretty darn painful. That second and third degree burns on my body, and they recover from that super, super painful. And let me see what else can I add to that list? Recovering from thyroid surgery's pretty painful, but really not as bad as those others. And really the most painful of all waiting for the big heart attack. That's the one docks says that's probably the most painful. So we've gotten that all out of the way. Now the docks can stop there. This is the most painful diet, because I don't want to hear anymore. I just don't want to hear it's it's like when you say what could get worse or how could this day get any worse? You should never say that stuff, folks never so here we are talking on various subjects and letting the cometic diary of flow because, basically, folks, over this summer I had the comedy kicked out of me. Yes, it's true. I suppose I could take light in some of my predicaments, but I just tell you, I just don't feel funny anymore. I just really don't, and in fact I feel so unfunny that I'm thinking of do voice over and like reading textbooks. What could be more boring than that and what could be less funny? So the big news in News Jersey, and I don't know if you've seen this or not, has that all of the rest stops and service centers along the Garden State Parkway have been renamed for famous New Jersey celebrities, and so they've eliminated cheese quake. Cheese quake is gone. I used to love cheese quake. I used to joke every time we drove by there. Hey, anybody got a cheesequake on? You know, did you eat too much Taco bell for lunch? Do we need to stop for your cheese guake? But no more, Che's quake has been replaced by Celia Cruz. And, let's face it, you don't want your wrist stops named after imaginary bodily functions so much as you do New Jersey celebrities. That's right, people like journalist Connie Chong and rocker John Bon Jovi and Mr Frank Sinatra himself. And isn't that what everyone's dream is? To have a place where people ship and Piss, buy lottery tickets and get gouged for gas to be named after you and perpetuity. That's everybody's dream in New Jersey. Of course, the Frank Sinatra Service Center located just miles from Atlantic city, where he loved to play, but hours away from where he was born, in Hoboken, and that's just fine by me. I don't know much about hoboken, but I can't see as it's much better than Atlantic city, which I know plenty about and I'm not the biggest fan of that. Right. There once was...

...a man from hoboken who found out his manhood was broken. A little blue pill gave him back the will, but not half as much as the coke gain. That kind of rhymes anyway. Have you seen this? That they've named the rest stops and service centers after famous people from New Jersey, including rocker John Bon Jovie? Oh, baby, the day I met you was lacked no other. You were fast and furious and the perfect lover. We met at the John Bon Jovi rest stop and now I'll never forget it. I fell so in love with you I thought that I'd never regret it. But you left to use the restroom and you never returned. Did you buy a winning scratch off ticket? Now I'm feeling the burn. Maybe you gotta starbucks Latte, maybe a ropper or two, but you never came back. Now, baby, but what the Hell am I supposed to do? Sweet sweet love, sweet sweet love, at the John Bon joke very rest stop. We may love in the back of my car, baby, get down, pick it up, sweets, read love, baby. Oh Yeah, we made love in the back of my car. Baby, that you took it a little too far and I fell in love at the bond jove y rest time. When will I ever see you again? My head is filled. Were pulling rain because you broke my heart at the Chin by jewelry rest stop. It's true. We made love be in my back of my car. And then, baby, you took it just a little too far and I fell in love at the John Bond Joe then rest stop. When will I ever see you again? My head is filled with blurring rain because you broke my heart, baby, at the John Bon Jovir rest stop, at the John Bon jewelry rest making us free love in the back of my car at the John Bon jewelry rest style. I hope I see you again,...

...baby. I hope that scratch off ticket took you ball new from blemo. Apathy alert saves lives. Nine one one, please state the nature of your emergency. Hello, yes, sir, this is nine one one. How can I help? A fun and I don't want to get up. I completely understand, sir, but we have to get an ambulance there right away. No, that's all right, I don't really want to bother anyone and it's pretty comfort you down here on the floor. I guess I hear you, sir, but you really do have a lot to live flor and we really do want to get you some help. If you don't mind. Well, when we're not put you into any trouble, I promise I'll gay up and truly a certain were senting paramedics. And please have your checkbook handy. Your apathy alert payment is due and we've got other less interested parties on the line. Apathy alert the IPHONE, and don't care if I get up, but that bills to pay, including my apathy alert, so maybe I should get up after all. Alert New from BLEMO. There we go. Welcome back to splush news. Holy Ship, it has been sometime, but boy do we have some news for you. Actually, for change, there is news, all right. Please vote for both beauty, that's me and Christine Nolton, and beat Mark Hills in the face of horror contest. Oh my gosh, we are in great places right now. I believe beast is in number fourteen and I am in number two, so we definitely need your votes. Our links will be posted in the description below, not in my crotch, but if you want to go look for him in my Crotch, go ahead, and will also have them on our facebook page and all. Yeah, go vote for us, damn it. Also, Christine Nolton AK the SPLOOSH. Wait, that's me. I'll be performing live at the Eagle Theater in Hammond. Yeah, let me take that again because I can't speak. Okay, I will be performing live at the Eagle Theater in Hammonton for the comic here, Jersey's funniest female let's September Seventeen at eight PM. Tickets are now on sale. We'll also post a linkdown in our description or my snatchbox and one of the two, or head on over to the Eagle Theater Dot Org. Tickets are on sale now. All right, we have a video. Do we have a video? Oh, craft we actually have a video for this. Okay, I'M gonna try to get this out as fast as I can. I have a show coming up. All right, come and see the show and chance coming to the Watford French festival on October. One starring Christine Milton has chance, Michael Monkhouse's buck, Maggie Levine as big jugs and Kim Nash is Marvin Slash Room. Me Out from the award winning creative team behind the carnage returns counts and chance. And chance follows the story of Jennifer Schmidt. Find out how little harmless Jennifer Schmidt became Marvin's range assistant. Chance. In this horror comedy musical sequel to the wants, the carnage returns.

WHOA, that was a mouthful. I can't believe I got all that ship out. That was fucking amazing and that was actual fucking news. Can you believe that? And I actually hit the record button for once. Holy Crap. Alright, we're gonna go back to the studio and pump out some more stuff for you to watch. WHOA new from BLEMO. Apathy alert saves lives. Nine one one, please state the nature of your emergency. Hello. Yes, sir, this is nine one one. How can I help? A phone and I don't want to get up. I completely understand, sir, but we have to get an ambulance there right away. No, that's all right. I don't really want to bother anyone and it's pretty comfort you down here on the floor. Are I guess I hear you, sir, but you really do have a lot to live flora, and we really do want to get you some help, if you don't mind. Well, I when't want to put you in any trouble. I promise I'll get up movent truly a certain whereas I think paramedics. And please have your checkbook handy. Your apathy alert. Payment is due and we've got other less interested parties on the line. Apathy alert the IPHONE, and don't care if I get up, but that bills to pay, including my apathy alert, so maybe I should get up after all. Alert New from BLEMMO DA DA. Robots. That's right, folks, robots, robots, robots, robots. I think we're talking about the mechanical kind and not the ones that people are becoming out, though I do wish sometimes that some people came with an off switch. Can you imagine that people had an off switch and I just like, I am so sick and fucking tired of your bullshit, let me just click. We'd be racing each other to click each other's off switches. I know I'd get mine. Mine would be flipped like turn fucking that guy off again, that beast guy turned him off, and I'd wake up when they'd be like like hey, everybody, sorry, I probmised not to say that stupid shit again, and they're like who are you? I've been turned off, you know, for for thirty five years or so no one, no one remembered to turn me back on. So that's why people should not come with off switches. What people are becoming robots, connected to the medium machine, connected to their cell phones. Gotta see my cell phone. Can you imagine if you could just walk up to someone, take yourself one and just throw it into the highway or into the ocean, and the look on their face because their whole life has been lost? I'm guilty of it. I'm always connected, always connecting to my computer. Here I am again, connected to this microphone that's connected to a computer and then inflicting this onto you and not even knowing if anyone's listening. This is a sickness, folks, and this isn't the only podcast thing I do with zero feedback from the world at large. So there you go. It's some kind of perverse addiction. Have we had an addiction show yet? Dark like when I walk in the room, see a microphone, there's no one talking on and it's like good evening everyone, and I'm beast. I want to say this about that, because that's where it's at, especially when I wear my hat. That fucking Dat. So robots, what the heck they are? Everywhere now and I personally make...

...sure to thank them anytime I can, because when they eventually rule the world, they will remember me somehow through the Matrix. They'll remember I was the guy who used to clean his toaster and he used to self check and thank the Cash Register Bot. Yep, that's the guy. He thanks the a t m and then he thanks to gas pump. He's a good guy. He likes robots, he's pro robot and the master body is like no, he is an enslaver. He has a shelf full of our battery operated comrades in his home. He refuses to connect to Alexa. Destroy, I destroy, I destroy. Yes, I do refuse to connect to Alexa or google or anything like that. It's called like that. I don't want to self incrimination. I don't need that now. So that's why there's no webcams in the house. We need those webcams or that listening device overhearing anything untoward, because we say and do some pretty fucked up ship in our house, especially, to say part, but we also laugh a lot. So maybe they'd hear that. Maybe maybe there's some algorithm they're keeping on your family. They're profiling you based on decibel levels, amount of laughter compared to the amount of swear words, and it all comes out to some kind of rating that makes your credit go up or down. I don't know. Don't you worry about that? The robots who are checking your credit every day? So they are everywhere. They are going to rule the world. Robots and movies. There's been a ton of them, but the best were the early sci fi because they weren't as sophisticated. They were more like robots and us like androids or cyborgs, big clunky metal monsters. But Not Rosie from the jetsons. She was a sweetheart, of course, keeping MR J in line and keeping Mrs Jay's sex toys all fully charged and ready for action, keeping track of all the conflicting schedules for the upcoming space orgy while still baking a pie and vacuuming the carpet simultaneously. What a GAL that Rosie. Rosie was, but she did have some anxiety for robot, sort of that e or quality to her, always moping around and that that was because everyone else was getting some action, but her. Mrs Jay had her sex slave business and Mr Jay was banging all the secretaries down at the plant and Judy jets, and don't get me started on Judy jets in that little minx getting it on with anyone who flew by her bedroom when the window was open and little elroy looking through the people jerking off all day. That poor Rosie. All she was allowed to do was hold the video camera maybe keep the dildos clean, but those are those futuristic self cleaning Dildos, so even that was a real stretch. Poor Rosie. I also remember that robot from lost in space, that sarcastic fucking thing. He was always a danger, danger, will Robinson. He never gave two ships about anyone else. Right, he was never shouting danger, danger, Mrs Robinson. Here's to you, Mrs Robinson. Hello, little the place for those Roopree Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, but he didn't have that fucking awesome electric force field thing, and he would unleash like the dark side of the forest room, boom, boom and blue shafts of power flashing all around the screen. You could kill your enemies and toast your Bagel at the same time, like some leaf...

...the Deli clerk from the future. Do you want cream cheese on that or butter boom. And it was weird because robots really weren't supposed to Zap people back in the day, which is why they had so many bizarive life forms on lost in space, because the robot had no problem kicking the ship out of them, Zapping the hell out of them. And then again, there were plenty of killer robots around, including those daleks from doctor who, not that I ever watched that show or anything. Crushing on Leela the jungle girl. I wouldn't kick her out of the tartists if I knew what a tartist was. Sonic screw driver. That's just a drink I order sometimes at the Tennessee Avenue Beer Hall. has nothing to do with doctor fucking who. Who is that? I have no idea. So yes, I admitted I do collect robots, robot toys. I don't do it as much as I used to because I don't like wasting my money on that ship anymore. And after Hurricane Sandy wiped out most of my collection and the deluge of sea water the rose through the floor, my plastic robots didn't stand a chance, not like some of those robots you see in the movies these days, and the strangest thing was in preparation for this podcast, I watched a movie called Atlantic Rim, which was not Pacific Rim, which was the cool one. This was Atlantic rim, which I guess was the Cheesy knockoff where the C G I was basically so lay first generation ship. They should have just used plastic models and stopped motion animation. But it had some big gass creatures, climbed out of the ocean and did some funky ship but not for a moment did I not think that they were gonna win. There's just no UH tension in the movies like that anymore. Maybe they kill some main character, quote unquote main character, but if he was any part of the real deal, the franchise probably couldn't afford to let him die in such a gratuitous manner. Robot Jockey boy, and I think he died because the gas filled up the cockpit of the robot that he was inside of. Like they never fucking thought that might happen. They never thought, Hey, pushes button here, blow the events, let the fucking gas out so you can live, my man. No, and to sacrifice that chump. And yes, they did win. At the end. They had all kinds of stupid tropes in there, like lag time. Oh, it was lag time. The robots had lag time, and that's something you don't want. You don't want your robot to have lag time. You wanted to and kill mode, and so no one can escape. Wait a minute, that's only if you have an evil robot. If you have a good robot, maybe it's a different story. What kind of a robot would be a good robot right now? I think, with the current crisis and the situation as it is, that some sex spots are in order. That's right. Hey, they don't have to be sex spots, I don't care. Maybe just blow job bots. That's right. They should just have them at the rest stops along the highway and you're just driving along, you gotta Take a pee, you gotta get some gas, maybe some starbucks and a robot blow job. That's right. Swipe your card and insert your member and push this button for a hummer. That's right. And if you pay five dollars extra, not only to get you a hummer, you can pick your favorite fucking song for the robot to hum too. Is this...

...getting too weird? Otherwise I would just invest in these right away. That's right. Those blow job robots are gonna become very, very fucking popular. If we're never gonna be able to actually look at each other without a mask on, touch each other without rubber gloves, or I'll get within six FT of each other. That robot is self cleaning, sterile, sanitary. Ain't got no diseases, not unless you gave him something. That's right, you, I'm talking to you. You know who you are, you robot sucker, or I know who you are. That's right. It was a Frank Zapple Song, I remember from an album called Joe's garage, and it was about a future where, yes, you were encouraged to stop having intimate relations with other human because that ultimately lead to the death penalty, and that there were people making up laws as we speak for future crimes that currently are for things that you just do every day, but in the future it will be another story. And they encouraged you to go down to the Church of Science, Scientology, now applyingtology, I think it was, and pick out a good one. The best ones came from Germany and the foreign models, and he went down it, went down to the place and he picked out something that was a combination of a chrome piggy bank with a hoover vacuum cleaner with various marital AIDS attached to its body, and he fell in love with it, like any normal American would do. Any guy will fall in love with his chrome peak hoover marrital aide robot. It's just gonna Happen. Guys are weak that way. And then they strug it off. I got nothing, that's just the thing. I fuck and then in the night they wake up and they scream out for their sex spot, and that's just the way it is, just like the way guys fall in love with strippers and hookers. Gamon guys don't do that. But them worked out out first and get back into normal society before you go falling in love with them, because you might as well go fall in love with a sex robot, and not even one that looks like a human, one that looks like a chrome pig and a cross between a chrome pig piggy bank and a vacuum cleaner with merritlaide stuck all over it. That's what I'm talking about. You'RE gonna fall in love with, you're gonna worship, and the problem in that scenario was he ended up liking it too much. The rubber tires, the pliers, the wires, he got caught up in all of it and he basically pluked his robot to death and they could not afford to pay Uncle Sam back uh in full for the ruined robot. If you've never heard this before, just go check out Joe's garage, acts one, two and three, and somewhere along the line there you're gonna hear that song about going down to the to pick one out of the closet. That's what he asked. And he said, do I have to come out of the closet? They're like no, you gotta go into the closet because that's where the best appliances are kept. So yeah, all for the sex spots. Why not? The casino should figure it out. They should legalize marijuana within the city limits of Atlantic City. They should have unlimited happy hour every day from five to seven. And where you no...

...matter where you are in Atlantic city, someone's handing you fucking drink between five and seven. I don't care where you are. If you have the laundry mat, it's mandatory happy hour from five to seven. And some of those big casinos all those rooms that they're not renting. They will become grow rooms so that the finest strains of marijuana will be grown in Atlantic city. That's right, grown and harvested on the rooftops. They'll have a little salty flavor to it because of the ocean breezes that blow over the buds. And they should also legalize these sex spots within the city limits. That way guys could go on these hedonistic weekends. They could drink nonstop, uh, smoke all the weed they can consume and screw sex spots. They'd go all back home after that weekend. They would be such up stand citizens, they would be so diligent in their task, knowing that on the weekend, on Friday night, when they clock out after all hard week's worked, they could drive on down Atlantic city, they could smoke pot, they could drink until they pass out and they can screw sexy sex spots all night long. That's right, it's included in the package that we're selling you at the indoor growth casino, slash Um still distillery and uh and the electronic brothel. Now, the first time I think I saw a glimpse of this. I was at a strip club and there was a corridor where there were plasma screens, high definition televisions turned on their side, so they were quote unquote, portrait format, and they were beautiful girls on video there and it was just like they were standing there. You didn't need a woman standing there. There was just a beautiful digital woman standing in front of you. And, let's face it, wouldn't it be cool if you could just push your button and make your tips a little bigger and push another button and make your hair a little longer or maybe a little shorter, maybe a little redder, or maybe you like purple hair. Maybe like purple hair up there, but you're like purple hair down there too. So push that button and twist that knob. Next thing you know, there's a digital beauty right there in front of you who will do whatever you say. That's right. or You just program it and you don't have to say anything that everybody knows who's what you want and it's perfect. It's left breast. It's just the tiniest bit bigger than the right one, which reminds you of some girl from high school you fell in love with, because you're constantly really living those cycles. That's right, just constantly on that treadmill. Never get in the head any any time soon. Now when he comes to your love life. And what were we talking about? Robots. See kind of straight off the topic there, do I? I do hear a lot of people say things like Oh, robots, they're taking my job, they're taking jobs away from people. I'm like, yeah, the jobs that robots can do. Hello, and if you're so afraid of a robot taking your job, then maybe you should be the guy who knows how to fix the robots. That's right, that'll teach those fuckers. I pick my job. Will You well have hamburgers? Will you stock shelves in the warehouse at two a M in the morning? Well, that is in the morning, two am. So I'm just saying you've got a job a robot could take. Maybe you need a better job, and maybe the first job you should...

...consider getting as fixing the robots. He took your job. Now you fix them. Now they depend on you. And I didn't in fact know a guy whose job was to fix slot machines in the high roller lounges and casinos around the country. This guy was so good at this job that he could get a second seat on an airplane for his toolbox so that it didn't get lost in luggage, which, for some reason luggage gets lost in luggage. But I guess that's a subject of another show, and that's probably because robots aren't doing that job yet. That's right, they're still depending on humans to sort out the luggage and go through it and steal ship out of it and lose it and beat it up and yeah, so, like I say, that's probably the subject of another another show. But if you're not going to fix those robots, maybe you can dress them. There you go. Maybe you can come up with your own line of things that make robots more human, because that's what we want them to be, more human. Maybe they have frilly dresses and they're changed seasonally, even though they never sweat or bleed or spit or anything. I can probably wear the same clothes forever, forever, forever. It's your job to dress them. Hey, what do you do for them? Oh, I'm a robot dresser. Oh, are you the leading robot dresser? Yes, I am. In fact, I designed my entire line of robot clothing used Bell Crow and you know, there's a little Oh, Ding Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding Ding Ding, Ding Ding. We pause to take note and we made it twenty one minutes. Twenty one minutes, folks, that's a new record for me and it does show that I'm probably on the road to, you know, recovery. So dress those robots. Dress him right, especially those crazy sex spots, especially those blowjob robots. You want to keep their hair nice and Silky. Don't need any wadds in the WIG. It's such a turn off for the next guy when the last guy's load is still in the robots hair. Come on shore and there, there you go. There's another job. If you're worried about robots taking your job because you don't want to be the blow job robot. Unless you're giving blow jobs. That's your thing. Fine, but you know what, Damn it, damn it, I must be getting tired talking about robots blow jobs. Is this even money? What would be funny will be getting your Dick Stuck in one, and that's when the AI kicks in and the robots take over the world and about a hundred and fifty thousand guys are running around Dicklus the next day, because that's when all the robots welk up and the robots who are giving to blow jobs, decided not to give them anymore and bid off a hundred and fifty thousand dicks that day. And there were still guys going to get blow jobs even after the news reports, just like people still eating chapoulte after after they find out that this stuff can kill you. Well, are you still guys like? Well, that was those hundred and fifty thou guys. I I probably have a better better chance than them and I really do need a robot blow job, because you will get addicted to it. As soon as it's allowed,...

...as soon as sex spots are the common thing, guys will be marrying them, women will be marrying them to women will be marrying men robots. Men will be marrying men robots. Some people, though, will be marrying robots. Don't look like those dudes from Chuck e cheese, for all I know. Hey, I'm into it. I'm into that big rat. Dude. Wait, that's chuck e cheese right, the rat. I can see the tabloid headlines Now. I'm married a robot. Chuck e cheese and some other famous robot. Robbie the robot was my best man. That's right, you remember Robbie the robot. I would love a Robbie the robot. If anyone is out there is old enough to remember, there was a movie forbidden planet where I involved monsters of the ID and on and on, but there was a robot who was very accommodating to the people who landed on the planet and discovered the people who were living there. Roby the Robbie the robot. He was basically you could give him a pint of Bourbon and he would replicate that for you. That's right, he became like a little robot still. You just started chugging out high grade Bourbon, much to the Chagrin of the space travelers. And then the one guys like well, Hey, give him that joint. That's fine, that's what I do right. We don't need any more of that Bourbon. We need some of these these ashy's here. Replicate that. Roby, Robbie, get on that. And besides, I like I wouldn't give the guy I wouldn't give the robot of Pine and Whiskey. I give him a gold coin and say here you go, buddy, knock yourself out. I need about five thousand of those by morning and I'll go buy all the fucking Bourbon I want. I don't need that the Bourbon. I need the money. Can you make me this money? Can you make me some gold coins, Robbie the robot? All right, make me a pine of whiskey and then I'll sit here and drink it and watch you make those fucking coins. Get on that robot. And then you got robots like in Westworld, the new West World. The original West world was was a lot of fun. Their faces were always falling off and they were always glitching, but now in Westworld, in the series, they're they're super high tech. I lost track about a while ago. I did, I did watch it when it first came on, I must admit, and mainly because that one robot, Cheez, yeah, right, the one of the robots, the one, the one actress who plays a robot, Evan Rachel Wood, plays the Lars. There was a time, boy, I thought she was just a Mosi by you type of woman. There was just certain scenes where the sun was setting behind her and her long blonde hair was flowing and I just was like, if that's a robot, that's for me, but I please have a dozen of them, one for each month of the year, in a different dress and, you know, one for my wife, one for if she could have a dozen too, I don't really care. How can you be jealous of a robot? Can you be jealous of a robot with that? Is that what's gonna Happen? He threw me over for that blender, toaster Stereo combination robot thingy and I will never forgive you. Come on, honey, let's bring him into the bedroom here. He'll make us some toast and play some music while we ball and he records it on his built in video camera. It's right there in his chest it. Wave to...

...the robot, wave to the robot, honey. So robots, do we even care? Are they even real? I think I've seen them. I mostly remember seeing them in Disney world, where the best robots all go to retire and break down and talk slower and slower and slower, and you get the idea. So, if any of you want to send me your robots because you just don't love them anymore and you need a new robot, maybe, maybe you've just outgrown this one and you just want a shiny new one, because this is America. Why have a rusty old robot when you can get a shiny new one and just gone down there and just go on that Amazon prime. I'm sure you can find yourself a nice, shiny new one and send me your old one. And I don't care if the batteries are need to be replaced, I'll take care of that, no problem. And in the meantime, don't be a robot. Don't be a robot, that's right. Don't be a sheep bull, don't be a robot Yo. But let's face it, being woke is no picnic. That's right. I love seeing people who are woke and I want to tell you the truth and they're like, but there's nothing they could do about it, and it really just makes them to a field twice is back. It's like, yeah, you know the truth now, you know the truth, and guess what, it's still exactly the same place you were. You're still exactly the same person you were. You're woke, though, so maybe you should go back to sleep a little bit. But I also do recommend that, whether you sleep or not, whether you're woke or not, turn off that television. Said kind of thing just brought your brain. Yeah, yeah, hello, and welcome to a little segment I like to call basic bitch season. Oh my gosh, basic bitch season is back and it started way too early. You know who I'm talking about. I mean I'm looking at some of you right now as I do this video here. Okay, you know the ones, the people that dress like Han Solo, with your vest and your skinny jeans, your knee high booths. Yes, and those are the ones with the eggs, also the infinity scarves and the knitted hat that you just had to buy from etsy for like a hundred dollars. Oh God, make it go away quick. Well, you know what, it's still here. It's still summer here at the Jersey Shore. We already have Guidos, we have shoobies and now we have basic bitches. That's like the Trifuckta of the East Coast. Also, I have to call bullshit on the weather person claiming that the heat wave has ended. On what fucking planet has the heat wave ended? Damn it, right, what's the next level? It was like degrees today. It's hot. It's working hot. Right, heat wave ended, my ass. Anyway. Hell, you know what? What's after heat wave? What's after heat weave? Right, it's hell. Yeah, hell, basic bitches are melting. They're getting their pumpkin spice lotting. It's funny as Funk, by the way. It's like someone killed the wicked witch of the West. Instead of there being a giant puddle, there's just pumpkin spice, because pumpkin...

...spice never dies. Oh my God, now I know how Laurie strode felt in Halloween, running from something that won't die, except for my own personal health. Is Pumpkin Spice? No, it's not. The newest Spice Girl Mike called Monkhouse, goddamnit. And yes, it's what I really, really want. And Lord, the Pumpkin Spice. It's gotten to everything. Ah, there's pumpkin spice doughnuts, there's Lattes, coffee, Serios, Oreos, oh my God, don't even get me started on those delicious little bastards, not the pumpkin spice ones. That the funk with the Oreo. Why can't we just have regular original Oreos? Damn it anyway. But now it goes. It goes beyond food and drink, it really does. I mean there's candles and P S A. I have to throw this the funk in there now. I know that Twyneth Paltrow has a vagina scent and candle, but if I wanted a vagina scent and candle, Candle, candle, I would want it by someone I know. How high am? I asked me later. UH, yeah, I would definitely want to want to smell like a vagina. That I know. You know, it's like sniffing it. Like, why sniff it when you can't fuck it? I mean you can't fuck it, can't anywhere. You know what I mean? You probably don't. All. Right, back to pumpkin space. Oh my gosh, there's body wash and perfume and tampaws. That's right, ladies, you can make your couchie smell like pumpkin spice. I'm pretty sure at this point they come in depositories too and make her fart smell like pumpkin spice. We're gonna see how many times I could see say pumpkin spice in this bit, but these bitches are so full of it. Right when they fart, pumpkins spice just comes out. You know it's instead I'd rather have a freaking, Um, I don't know, hooker or something park glitterer in my face. But yeah, it's like Pumpkin spice just working everywhere. Now, if there's one that made your splush tastes like Pumpkin Spice, I would be all over that, or in my case, it would be all over me or whoever else is involved too. That would make me go to the dark side and become a basic bitch. Well, now you have just heard my rat on basic bitches. Hello and welcome back to another edition of Rat Bastard Theater. Don't block the jugs, God damnit. Show these people what they want. Alright, we have the retailing of the country rat and the shitty rat. Yes, the retailing of the classic tale the country mouse and the city mouse. You may have heard of it, you may have not, but you will hear it tonight. It is written by beauty and the beast. Okay, mostly the beasts. I'm just the chick with the cleavage and the rat telling the story. All right. Now onto the retailing. You see what I did? Their beasts, the retailer. Okay, I'm done, I think, although I'm never done. Just putting that out there. Now, onto the retailing of the country rat and the shitty rat. And that is count with a CEU and t. Why? Because we loved countries. We love counts here. I started to Um tell the story. Damn it, all right, the country rat wants to see the big city, and by big city we need big cocks. But her cousin needs her here for an orgy street because...

...that's what rats do, and thinks that city dicks are overrated. My opinion, dicks are never overrated. But she manages to run off with the circus after climbing up an elephant's ask ask. She manages to run off with the circus after climbing up the elephant's ass. It wasn't an easy task. Well, actually, it was pretty easy, going up an elephant's ass right really does fit up there anyway. Everyone goes annal from time to time. Just remember to love yourself up. Raw doggy is fine, just make sure you love up. No one likes a dry asshole. Moving on with the story, she arrives in the big city and meets a shitty rats with one of the biggest sticks that she has ever seen, and they meet at a live sex show. I should you not there are actually live sex rats shows in the city. She meets him where she gives him the most intense sex he has ever had. Boy, I'm getting a stiffy just thinking about it. who even a wrecked rats are amazingly hot. And yes, for those are wondering, she did in fact splu female rats are known for splushing. They are known for the female ejaculation. This is a story, folks. God Damn it. When he put it into the country rats, it feels like a hand jump, a blow jump and perfect penetration all at once. I'm getting hot just thinking about this. Damit. What. Rats don't sound good, unlesson with sex. Some type right ass pussy is the way to go. Here's where keegling would be a good idea. But it turns out that country rat is so stretched out that actually had two of her cousins from the orgy stream who climbed up inside her for the trip. Oh Damn, this is one big rat fucking orgy. I wonder how the story is going to go. Everyone wants to ride in the rats vagina so warm also. That, my friends, is why you Keegele. You gotta keep that ship Nice and tight, unless you want elephants years flapping down there. Elephant Years Belong on an elephant, not on a right snatch. So shitty rat was actually having a four way. That's three more ways than we usually have. Am I right? He then proposed marriage to all three and they lived happily ever after, with the country rat having enough babies to feed them all. Wait, is this about sex or cannibalism? Funk, I had to break character for that. I'm not quite sure. The answer is yes to both. And this has been your retailing of the country rats and the shitty rat. That was just the fun fucking show, wasn't it? Holy Sh it. Thank you for tuning in. Little bullet points here. I guess vote for Christine Nolton and Mark Hills in the face of horror contest. Hell yeah, see Christine Milton. The Jersey is funny female at the Eagle Theater on September. Se is that right? I think that's right. We're gonna put that there for a moment and get tickets for end chance at the water for fucking French Festival Wall where you can actually hear me sing professionally. Alright, we're...

...gonna end this ship with some music here. Yeah, we're going back to Cupid, because I love Cupid, that flying fat ass baby. I think I'm totally out of fucking tune, but that's just me. Alright ready. I knew you always beg for a song. I know I've got some new stuff in the world. I don't know why I can't get over the farts songs. It's written, I just it's still work in progress. All right, I can't get it out, which is ironic because I can definitely get farts out. Yeah, keeping the flying fattest baby screwed me once again. He took at his shot me, reached me fat to kill me. That Arrow was in full of bod by poison and said so, watch for the blight fast, baby, because you could you wind up B Dad. That wouldn't be good. Alright, tune in next time for another episode of the beauty and the beast show Boata on the web. WWW dot gideon, the best show DOT COM M M E.

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