Sounder SIGN UP FOR FREE
Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast

Episode 3 · 2 years ago

Episode 3 - Trouble

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Episode 3 - Trouble aka Diarrhea Part 3


Welcome to the 3rd episode of Beauty and the Beast where we talk about Troube!


We want to hear your Trouble stories. Drop us a line or some hate mail at beautyandthebeastshow69@gmail.com


Check us out on the web: https://beautyandthebeastshow.com/


Check out Beauty in "The Laramie Project" at Dante Hall in Atlantic City January 24th-26th http://www.dantehallstockton.org/event/d9af06956f700a276e7ce68ae2b02095


And in Cafe Murder at the Bourre in Atlantic City February 1st https://www.freshtix.com/events/dinnertheatre?fbclid=IwAR1iO_mdzjTLXuWIH-5EDFkLj_eoZfrAx2WX-wjQRfP097j39mnAoDkISp0

Coming to you. I'm going live from lakeside. I'm beauty and I'm beast and we're here today to talk about the big tea trouble. Anybody been in trouble out there? I know I have. I know I definitely have been in trouble and there's all kinds of trouble to get into that there. Sometimes you're not even thinking you're going to get in trouble, but the police officer begs to differ. Yes, if they're police involved, you are definitely in trouble. I like these stupid people who like going to drive through a duy check point and they're like, well, I haven't been drinking. If you ever noticed the folks that there's only for every two people who they arrest for drinking one of those things, they arrest two hundred people for not having their registration insurance, for their tail light being out. Folks, if you know there's a Dui checkpoint, even if you haven't had a drink in years, don't go through it. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, I mean you don't have to be drunk to get arrested. You don't have to be drunk to get, you know, to get have a your head light out, Oh that you're stopping people for that too. Well, heck, I didn't know that. I thought you were only stopping drunks. NOPE, it's the end of the month and they're looking the clean off. That's right, lucky left. Is a bad time to be out on the highway. There's a such a thing called a quota, and they tell you they don't have one, but you and I both know they do. Oh yeah, that's when you get you get a ticket for going twenty six in a twenty five mile and hour zone, exactly one mile over. What's that like? Ten boff looked like what? Like anything to milk you for money, they will get you. The big thing that you can get you in trouble now is having your cell phone in your hand while you're driving. Here in New Jersey, apparently the fine is something like a thousand dollars and two or three years suspended license. I know, just for phone. It's like wow, that better be a damn important text for you to exactly like, honey, I'm not getting the Goddamn milk and eggs. It cost me a thousand dollars a lot of looking eggs. Yeah, it is. Yeah, that's being about getting arrested. I wasn't speaking about that necessarily, but yeah, we're on a roll with, you know, cops and everything like that. And there's this one time at my cousin's house we were going to smoke some weed and get high. She lives out in Hammonton, and I was like, okay, I'll be there a little bit. So I'm on my way, sirens come on behind me. I'm like okay, like what the Hell? All right, and so I get pulled over and turns out I didn't pay a parking ticket up and Allantown, Pennsylvania. That they get me for. So they're like yeah, it's like, do you want to, you know, just pull into this parking lot and we'll take you to the station. Oh, do you have any money on you? It's like, no, I don't say. We'd hit the ATM while we go, you know. So that's like really nice officers and everything. And so I was like and then after I'm done, you know, paying whatever my fine was, whatever it was. I guess I forgot about it because it was around the holidays. You know, you kind of you know, show something in your love compartment and you never see it again. You know, that's why they make them so small so that you don't put a dead body in there, because you totally forget...

...about that. But anyway, so it's like I get to my cousin's house. She's like what took you so long? I was like, dude, I just got arrested. And then she's like, well, crap, now who's gonna go pick up the pizza? Because her one friend was already stoned off her ass. She's like now I'm gonna have to go pick up the pizza because the everyone else here will get arrested. You know. I was like, yeah, I've already been arrested today, so I'm just going to smoke some weed and wait for you to pick up the pizza. Could have been a toofer and you mention you were smoking weed to get high, like well, of course, if you're not, it's Catmin. I'm sorry, I'm taking the part that I have in the show cafe murder, which I'll be in February. First over, it the boo Ray in Atlantic city. I do play kind of like an airhead character, so I kind of got into character today. So why is that a Boo Ray? I thought that was the bore Boo Ray. Bore. I think it's Boob Ahhaho. Really don't know. It's one of those places. We'll have it up on the Webson with the alligator painted on the side. There we go, there, the one that sells like the Cajun food, which was it? Yeah, formerly a Strip club, which is just about every other business in Atlantic city right now. Was formerly a strip club pretty much. I mean I loved it how I started the New Year like one day I'm doing stand up comedy a strip club, two days later I'm doing it a doing comedy out place that used to be a strip club, and then I moved up to a coffee place. You know. Yeah, some things so definitely looking up for the new year now. The time I had a bench warrant. Same thing, you've some stupid ticket you forget about, and was in a county many, many miles away, and I remember I turned myself into save myself the trouble of being hunted down or pulled over, because in my little town, whatever you do, it takes ten cop cars to re is all that. And next thing you know you're Publican to me number one because you got a bench warren for an unpaid parking ticket. But I remember that they gave up on trying to document all my tattoos. They're like and more exactly. It's like and more. There we go as my life Ed more. So here you, here's a whole book. You know what you just call a woman, you know, save some time. I'm getting a lot of trouble lately by paying compliments to women. That's a big non now these days. If you ever want to see how ugly a woman really is inside, you just tell her she's pretty on the outside and then it comes flooding out. The other thing, too, is like it's not what you said, it was how you set it. And if it wasn't how you said, it was that look you had on your face. So, basically, just be a slack jawed robot and you're going to get ahead in life. Exactly. I mean people are like offended by like every little thing. Yeah, look the way you say something. If you, you know, say somebody's pretty. I mean I could go to mail say like he's handsome or, you know, he's hot or whatever, and they take it in stride, you know. But a woman were like yeah, like as if you know, like get away from me, like it away like you don't know me, like what it's like, what happens and having nice compliments. You know, Oh, I got in trouble the day because I tried to help a woman who to get a product down off of a shelf because she couldn't reach it. You know, she was scaling Mount Everest and all had to do is reach up and I said, she goes. I didn't need your help, but I say, Hey, lady, I was getting two of these for me right. It's again to cover that, you know, like Oh, dude, like someone's on the rag here. You know, everybody's they're sorry. They're sorry all the time. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I walked in front of you, I'm sorry, I reach for the same product at the same time. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so I was like, get over it. You gotta understand if you're sorry for everything, then you're not sorry for anything now, are you? Exactly? It's like people just need to stop being that way. You know. It's like, I think that's why this everybody's like flared up on anxiety because they don't know whether they're...

...coming or going. You know, it's like the craziest thing. It's like, yeah, I have anxiety, but I can control it because I'm not, you know, I'm not like one of those sorry people all the time. You know, it's like you just take a deep breath. And also, people throw that word love around too much, you know. There, I love you, I love you. was like, yeah, but you also love game of thrones and you love the color purple and you love that Pizza Pie we had. Oh and I just love that song. Well, which is it exactly as like? There's yeah, there, you love me more than the pizza and less than game of thrones. You know, am I write in the groove? There? Let's save it. I mean, yes, it's it's good to love things, though, but there is like too much, you know. It's like when should you draw the wine at loving thing? Right? Well, when you're murdering them is one of the lines that you should d I love to murder. Yes, I love murder. WHO's your favorite serial killer? Probably Jeffrey Dahmer. Yeah, Jeffrey Dahmer, the Human Namer. Yeah, my other day somebody posted this meme and it was like, I don't know, to cartoon characters who were such good friends that they were wearing slippers with each other's faces on them and he says this is a kind of friendship I want to happen, like the kind of friendship where your friends faces on your slippers. Like I guess that's it. Can put it that way. Like what other way is there to put it, dude? I can only see that happen and then up having a fight and then one of them just like Jacks off on the other person's face on their slippers. I'm like, MOM's face is on the lamp in the bedroom. I loved her to death. A ways. We'll just have yeah, you lays will just have your mother's face on your underwood. You'RE gonna go that far with things like that? I don't think all. My Buddy so happy finally bought underwear. You know, it's yellow in the front, Brown in the back. Set. It's never gotta worry about that anymore. Yeah, exactly. It's like perfect to really perfect is there's a product for everybody out there. You just got to figure out what it is exactly. I mean, I don't have that problem because I rarely wear underwear. So there you go. Now I got in trouble once because I was at a public gathering and I had a big pamful of fire crackers that I was going to throw and I had a great big Dubie in the other hand and I had a tap on his shoulder and one of the biggest policemen I'd ever seen. He was about four foot wide and he was about seven foot tall, using his riot gear with and he said to me, young man, young man, are you a visitor to our city? This is the city of brotherly nuggs, if you've ever been there, and I said well, yes, sir, I'm here for the for the fourth of July. He goes, well, I want you to do two things. I want you to smoke that joint where nobody sees you, and throw those firecrackers. We're it's safe. And I said okay, thank you very much, officer, and he said You have a nice day. So you have you ever escaped trouble like that just for being polite or otherwise obliging to the police? I mean you hit the ATM right. You're not still in jail as a result? No, exactly, I'm not in jail. Like one time, coming back from comedy up in, I guess it was Medford, it was, you know, really late at and I think it was after one o'clock in the morning or whatever, and this one road, you know, it's like the speed limit. It's like stupid. So I was definitely going way past it. And of course who would be behind me? But you know Mr Officer. So you know, of course I'm looking cute and stuff and I have all a little cut top like I usually do for comedy, and he comes to the side. He's like, he's me, ma'am. Do you know how fast you were going? And I was like, Oh, no, officer, I didn't know. I didn't know I was speeding. I'm not I'm not from here, I don't know what the speed limit is and I just kind of lean to the side. So where, you know, my good boot, the left Mooove, was popping out a little bit, and so...

...we took, you know, my informations. I've and ran it. I didn't have any points or any other tickets or anything. So we just told me, you know, watch this be limit and to be on my way. So I was like thank you, thank you, you have a wonderful night, and off I went. About two miles later I was speeding again. You know, yeah, I don't learn anything, I don't know, the thing is when you're driving on a country road and it goes from fifty five to like twenty five, you pretty much know why. You know it's not because of safety issues, it's because there's officers waiting to bust you for speeding. We see it all the time here in our little shore town, exactly. I mean it's one thing, yeah, just getting in trouble. It's Frett yeah, here at the shot town, they'll get you all the time. Yeah, we have those streets that literally go from fifty and twenty five and usually you fly right by them and sometimes you get caught. This is why we have tourists to you know, a lot of times they they take up the slack first getting all the tickets in the summer, to the point where they might complain that they're being targeted because of their out of state plates, and I say yes, yes, you are exactly it. That's the beginning of trouble. You're going to be in a show that's all about trouble. It's about murder. Yes, that's cafe murder on February first at the Bourey in Atlantic City. Now, what's this? What's the story behind that? I mean I heard some interaction that there's going to be. There's going to be order, anticipation, audience participation, all the above it. You know, it's like where we're set up. It's my sister's birthday and everything and we're all gathered at this restaurant. She's actually allergic to water, so there can't be any water around her or near her or anything like that. You have a bunch of different colorful characters coming in. My friend Eric actually plays the detective. So it's like it should be a who it's so the outcome of the play change based on what the audience has to say. No, there is an actual killer. Okay, there is an actual one. I had to stop someone. I'd actually stopped Maddie the other night because I just got done rehearsal, because we were having it at Bouret and that she heard Alec were there for industry night, and she's like what was that? The new play, and I was like yeah, just stay away from page. It's like it's like, oh my bad. She's like so there is a killer? I was like yeah, and only eight pages into it. No, no, no, it's weird. It's weird how the script is set up. It goes like the page eight and then it jumps to like, I think, page twenty something and then it comes back like it's really weird, but it'll be really cool. And that is with the Atlanta Ny City Theater Company. And then actually the weekend before I'll be with unity theater troupe doing the Laramie project, which is way more dramatic, and that's at Dante Hall for those three days. So it's like it's weird. I jump from comedy to drama, to drama to comedy and right now it is like doing perfectly normal to me. It's like doing double rehearsals and then we're going to throw in. You know, I have auditions for the New Jersey Renaissance for air coming up to so let's give me an English accent and be done with it. Yeah, you can you imagine? You'R and they're getting your accents mixed up. Now I understand in this laramie project you also play multiple characters throughout the course of the show. Yes, I play for different character. It's not because your schizophrenic, it's because you're so multi talented. It's because, I believe when they wrote the Laramie project there were sixty eight different people that they interviewed for it. So we have cast of, I believe, twenty people doing multiple parts. Yeah, so it's a very even though we're making light of it, it's a very serious subject that you're going to be investigating, which is why I probably going to stay as far away as I can. Were some funny moment? Oh Yeah, there are some funny moment, but actually I'm glad that we have a cast of like twenty, because they've done a cast with only eight people to do sixty eight parts.

Like no, no, thank you. For is good on my end. Yeah, for is good. On her and on it. In it. Yeah, round it. and then you ringer out like ever wet rag at the end of the performance, spouch. But again, do you ever like get you know you have to be say you have to pay a funny character, and then you know, ten minutes later you're crying as dramatic character. How hard is that to do? It's very hard actually, and guess one of one, one of my characters that I do go from is very serious and I believe I am crying at the end of everything that I'm doing. And then the next character is actually a reporter from a different town and she's never seen anything like this before, like have it like all this support, like it was actually at a funeral and she's just like excited to be there because there's like a big protest going on, there's a funeral, you know. It's like a skinhead comes over to her and she's like all this like happy and energetic, like Oh my God, you know, like I've never seen anything like this before. Yeah, and right like moments, just like two pages before, I'm like crying and tear. So it is a challenge, those damn skinheads, although with me I'd be like all right, skinheads, yes, yes, in the context of your play. Okay, yeah, we'll go there. So, if you're a skinhead and you're listening, the number is nine hundred. Yes, so it's like trouble. There's like I didn't get the Job Dad. Why not? Well, maybe because of the swassikaas tattooed on my forehead. Maybe Sun maybe it comes trouble. Yes, yeah, so you have any tattoos? You regret? I have no tattoos. Oh God, how normal is that? It's not just to be normal. I think it's because like the whole acting thing. It makes it easier instead of having to cover up tattoos and things like that. Yeah, like I love doing acting for film as well, but my passion is more towards the theater. So it's like, I don't know, I just I don't have any. I would think a cosplaying kind of nerd girl like you would have something. Nothing yet, wow, I'm not imposing it. I don't go. You know, I like tattoos on other people. Yeah, and I do want one. I just have no idea what the hell I would get or where I would get and it would be there forever and ever Amen, and I would love it no matter what it was. That'd be cool if you could actually like I would like to get it like colored by numbers Tattoo, like maybe just a black outline and they give you some watercolor pens to go on home and have a ball, you know. Otherwise, maybe a glow in the dark tattoo would be fun. Oh, that would be awesome. Yeah, I would definitely be down for glow in the dark. Yeah, you go. Okay, so if you're out there and your tattoo artist who does glow in the dark work, give us a call, because I'm up for that too. I think that I have room for at least forty seven more tattoos at this point. Haven't done any on my legs. I don't know why, and I'm a completely blank canvas. Yeah, definitely have lately. Blank Canvas, sleetly. I mean I'm like the opposite of Chewbacca. I am like hairless. Ah, you have the big needles, guys, they we're going in where? Yeah, last time ago, I got some finger tattoos and and it was so strange because they actually tickled, and I'm like, Oh oh, I've turned the corner Hare no more tattooing. It tickles, it tickles, it was tickling and I was like this is not right. Yeah, to me, I would have like too much fun with that. That's like one of my fetishes is actually being held down and being tickled, but then I can't move or laugh, or else the person will never stop tickling me. Right. Yes, it's like talking about being in trouble. I'M gonna say being Keld down and tattooed. No, being held down and tickle. That's it feels so good. I...

...love those people get in the chair and they're all psych for their big tattoo and as soon as that needle goes in there, like that's it, I'm done. They go through life with this little black dot on her arm and like does that cancer? No, no, it's a botch tattoo. It's my tattoo. Isn't it cool? Yeah, it's cool. It's like, no, does it glow in the dark? Now, it doesn't, then you suck then. Yeah, at least if you're going to get a dot, make it glow in the dark, making the dot dark, the dark dot. And we haven't even been drinking. Well, it's early. Well, no, not really. The guys like, well, it's five o'clock somewhere. Man, like you have eight o'clock in the morning here, Buddy. Actually, in three minutes it's five o'clock. It's five o'clock, but what? There's a timeless quality door work that, you know, transcends three minutes to five. That is true. So it's there. Missed five. It is already fog like four hundred and fifty seven and we're in trouble and I'm actually I heard they're going to outlaw clocks with hands on them because people can't read them anymore. What? Yeah, actually can't read a regular clock. Yeah, I like regular class. I like Roman numeral clocks. I saw the show where this person was like repurposing, you know, found objects and went through all this trouble and found a bicycle spoken they polished it up and they and act and was all said and done, they made a clock out of it like that. said, this world needs is another clock. I don't know how we would get through life if we didn't have another clock. I know right, because the only time I care about is when I'm hungry. Time, time to eat, rocket is true, you know, and you're in trouble if you don't eat. Speaking of eating, have you ever had food injure you? I mean, I've gotten in trouble with foods that injure. I remember one time I worked in a delicate test and we were not allowed to eat, so we did what we called scarfing, which was basically eat whatever you can in the shortest amount of time. There were some veterans there that could eat an entire corned beef sandwich in like three bites. Now I don't know that they enjoyed it. My other buddy, he would nuke a pint of Hogan dots and drink it down like a watch. So we all, of course, gained ten, fifteen pounds our first few months there, and that was another clear indication we were breaking the rules. But I tried to scarf down a liver worse than onion sandwich once and during the process I burped and sneezed and all at the same time. Well, okay, I'm done, I'm done scarfing. Well, about four hours later I was on a date, sitting there minding my own business, sipping a beer, and a chunk of onion, a power for int is long, came out of my nose covered with bloods not. My date was like, we're through, that's Harrow'm like, why are you Allerg you to onions, honey? I mean, what the heck? You have onions coming down. Guy Who could produce onions out of his nose would be real catch. And blood, come on, I guess you was less into the onion than the blood in the Snot, but I just didn't understand. Wow, some people get injured. They bite that piece of pizza, they can't wait and it's adhere to the top of their mouth and then they want to turn around and see the guy and the guys like, are you kidding? It's a hot beats. It just came out of the ovens like I'm looking for trouble and I need a meal ticket. We actually one place that Mike and I ate at over the summer. I had like this awesome Burger and fries and it had come out for a while and everything, and I knew the knew the fries were hot and it was like towards the end of the meal and I picked up this one fry, doesn't it go, doesn't Serge itself to the roof of my mouth and literally I pulled it down and like I was bleeding,...

...like it was like so hot it was crazy. You know. I didn't even think anything of it because this was like maybe like fifteen, twenty minutes after it came out. Yeah, it's I found that one hot FRY and I'm like dying. I've had those hot deep fried pickles that come round the like throwing a piece. I love a hot coal in your mouth and that's how you know you're a real man. I don't know. This one time at rent fair. God, every story starts with this one time at rent fair. And if you know what a rent fair is, it's not renting stimpy. Okay, it's not where you go look at rental items. It's a renaissance fair, with an e on the end of the Word Fair. Yes, just to make that clear. Not that I can spell renaissance. So tell us the story. Here we have the foods that injured, the food that injurer. Here we go. This one time it was one of those school days fair. That's where we get in kids from schools and we usually run from like nine to two. Oh God, you subject shouldren to this stuff. Yes, there's no time really for a lunch break. So my friend Katie and I, Katie place and duchess were like, well, you know, it's like if I get this and you get this, you know we'll have this together, you know. So she went off. I think she got like chicken on a stick or whatever, and I ended up getting the fried pickles. Well, they were like much too hot to eat then. So we're like okay, she's like just save them for the chess match and we'll eat them up on stage. I was like can we do that? And I was like yeah, my pickles when I like and I was like yeah, and where they going to do? Fire Me. So we're eating them during the chess match and I had this one piece in my mouth. As one guy that was up there calling the pieces, he was laughing at something. I was kind of laughing a little bit. He smacked my back. Don't like swallow an entire piece of fried pickle. Pickle not hot though. It was fine. then. That wasn't the injury part. So it's in me and I swear I got it down. I'm good. I'm good. Right, a few hours later we go up to wizard world and Philly and we're just hanging out having some fun and I go to get like as episode or something like that, and the soda is not going down and my face turns purple and finally I choked the soda down and the pickle was lodged in there. I want to say for at least six hours. I felt like my throat felt like I was gonna die, and Katie was like, Oh my God, are you okay? I was like you remember that piece of fried pickle at the Chess Mac? She's like yeah, I was like got it, and then we just kept going all like nothing happened. Yeah, I'm good. I saw the news the other day some guy went to the movie, got a piece of popcorn lives and his teeth and actually, from him trying to get it out and using all types of implements of destruction, he ended up with an infection that put him in the hospital and I'm like, Oh, this is the guy. Ever hear about loss? There's a stuff called floss. Dude, wow, wow, and you know. So don't stick your hands in your mouth, you know. But in the meantime I've gotten in trouble because, you know, in terms of food related, I got in trouble the most, I guess the most trouble I ever gotten to was. Well, I was a KLEPTOMANIAC. I would take anything that wasn't nailed down at the time, and I remember getting busted at this store and it was very embarrassing that my parents, of course, and I had to give them a full confession of everything I had stolen from the store at that time. And you know, I said, Oh, yeah, I remember one time I stole a necklace. Yeah, and they're writing this all down because they want to retail value of what I need to pay them before I leave. Well, by the time we were done, I owed them about twelve dollars and forty two cents, despite the fact that I had stolen like twelvezero worth this off front of the store. So if anybody ever tells you they got the goods on you, it's bullshit.

They do not. Exactly. It's like, Nope, self incrimination and confession goes a long way to you know, I need helping these store detectives. That still didn't matter. It was still twelve and forty cents on my record forever, if you can even find that record anymore. Do People actually play records? I don't know, I don't. Let me store detective. Is that like a run a copy? Yeah, like, what all you gonna do about it? You know, like why I'm a store detective. It's like you don't have handcuffs, like really, murder in the in the dressing room, all in the store detective, it was probably him. If with a Necktie, well then you know what. Speaking of neckties, this isn't like a trouble thing. But yeah, I was in the movie the New Necktie Strangler, Uh Huh, which was awesome because I did get strangled by the necktie and I died and but which was cool. Years and years later, like as in last year, the same guy that wrote it or whatever or he just filmed it. Why? Ended up filming another scene for his movie called deep on dead. I was playing like a gangster or whatever, like we were at the Blue Moon Theater and we were therefore, I believe it was like twenties night or whatever, and I was like well, you know, all the other girls are going to be flappers or whatever, I'm coming and you know as a gangster. We played out really well and we got to talking and I was like, wait a minute, I know your name, and I was like I remember your name. It's like you killed me in the new necktie strangler. He's like, oh my gosh, I haven't heard that title in like forever. But okay, okay, speaking of that, going there, I'll give him my story. I was on my way. I was actually auditioning for the new necktie Strangler, which I got. We actually ended up filming that same day, but on the way up there, Mike can I we stopped and he got some coffee or whatever and they had like a couple places to sit down and it was kind of kind of like a little diner type thing out in the middle of freaking nowhere, and he's like I need to use the bathroom, you know, it's like. So he goes up and he asked, you know, where the restroom was, and the ladies like, I'm sorry, we don't have any public restrooms and he's gotta go really bad. So there's some virtually like no woods around there. So it was like either, you know, Popa Squat in the middle of nowhere, or his idea of there's a recycle Bin, and so that's where he went. So he wasn't in complete trouble, but I'm pretty sure we will never be allowed to go in that shop ever again, and that one guy picked up recycling that day. He's none too happy now. He wasn't expecting that it was. But literally like, if we're going to have places to sit down from, people to eat and things, they should have a restroom, you know, or at least an outhouse. You know. It's like something. This is a restaurant. PUT A no bathroom. So the employees aren't washing their hands. NOPE, exactly. Could think he just had the coffee. It's like, Oh, we don't have a public bathroom. Well, you got a private one, lady, because I'm going to take a shit right out of the floor. He did the manly thing. He recycled it. I was like, like everyone shit, I had a deal with people. So, yes, there's a nasty story. But yeah, you never gotten. I never got in trouble for public defication. I know that. I did grow up in the country, though, so I am used to peeing anywhere I damn well please. Basically, I do remember one time I was a struggling art student and I was removing a piece of fence that I was going to make into an art project. Right when the police rolled up and they said what are you doing? I said, I'm fixing the fence. You're fixing the fence. What do you mean? I said, Oh yeah, my cat got out and I climbed over the fence together. When I did, I pulled this post down and I just came back to fix it and they said, oh well, move along,...

...bullshit. So there you go. Of your if your quick thinking, it'll help you get out of trouble. That is quite true. That is quite true. I when we say quick thinking, I mean you know how to lie really well. Yes, yes, have you gotten trouble for your lies? Yeah, I know, I'm too numerous. Yea, to tell. I know it's like which one do you start with? How do we know you're not lying now? Exactly? You know, you always know when you're lying, because it sounds like you have Li a rrea. I think you know when you're lying with people say, you know, to be honest with you, like, what was that? All the other shit you were telling me, I was just fool of shit and I could corny had a breakface. That exactly. Well, to be honest with you, like, well, what the fuck? Oh Wow, trying to get off the why bit for a moment. The one time that I was doing comedy at the Strip club, I was there, I was looking all cute, you know, I had a nice dress on, skirt on, whatever it was, I can't remember. It came off. But in the meantime it's like I'm getting ready to walk on stage and everything, I'm ready to go up, I'm all like happy and excited, and isn't my skirt like tucked in my pantyhose? And I thought, you know, it's like, Oh my God, it could have been like a terrible, you know thing, like it's always getting in trouble with you know, you're skirting her panty is. But luckily someone bought their mom to the Strip club and she was able to help me out right for that right, you know, right up there. Yeah, and you know, it's like I made a joke of it and everything. It's like, you know, I was like my first time before me the Strip club. I walked on stage, my skirt was stuck right into my pantyhose. Today I'm the employee of the mall. I remember we see the one kid at the Strip kid. I guess he's not a key's probably a man in or at least he was acting like a man that night, and he was enamored by the pole. So he was spinning around the pole trying to do is comedy routine at the same time and obviously got dizzy, which was actually the funniest part of the whole damn routine. I was hoping he would throw up on stage. So we get banned for life. I'm waiting for some comedian. Why does in some community get a lap dance at the same time? It would probably be the funniest damn thing there. I could probably make that happen. It seems like the girls really like me. They're yeah, they think that I'm really funny and they can't wait until I go on and you can audition them and put them in the film the same day. Exactly. Call the porn now, like we could have some fun, which is it's a strange concept being at this strip club watching these comedians bomb, because you know, you you at least get to see some tits. Hey speak for them. I'm having a pretty damn good time. Well, you know, you are the highlight of the evening, that's for sure. I think that's why they always save you for last, because they know that at least one person is going to get some laughs to night. Yes, exactly. Yeah, the other the mail Comedians, are like, you know, how do you get their attention? It's like, well, I have boobs, Duh, I like. Have you not seen some of the stuff that I've worn in here? I'm do my whole routine with a boner and it's hard to concentrate. I mean I get lady boners to I mean that's why I get a wet floor sign, because you know I'm always splashing everywhere. If you'RE gonna go up after her, you better watch it. I know it's like, please watch the floor. A little splushy. You know, the thigh highs only absorb so much. But I learned one thing, though. It's going to the Strip club. Don't sit on the base speaker. Yeah, because, Oh my God, that will make you wet so fast it's awesome. I was like, I didn't think I would enjoy it at the Strip club, but once I found that Bass Speaker, like, Oh my God, this thing's gonna Short out one day. They robb be like kids. You get off the Bass Speaker. It's about the blow, speaking a blow. That's another time I've gotten trouble, the time I sold the guy two hundred and fifty with the talcum powder out of my right pocket. Actually, I remember going to Writtenhouse Square in Philadelphia and it was...

...about two o'clock in the morning, which is when you're not supposed to walk through writtenhouse square, but me and my buddies we were living dangerous. A Guy came up to us and said Hey, you guys want to buy some some marijuana? We said no, thank you. He goes well, but I saw Hashe like no, thanks, he's following us. How about that cocaine? We're like, Hey, that's okay, goes. I got ecstasy. We're like what? All in the same fucking bag. Right, right, marry Christmas to me, like yeah, well, you got anything? You Got Ne Police Temple Ball? I got a right here, like I got it all. I got a fucking that police temple ball. Dude, I just made that up. I never rights. Like well, I got him. It's like an eight ball, but you're on your knees pray that you're gonna live. I think it's some hash that some young girl rub between your thighs for half an hour, and that's what that is. Unless you just chuffy thighs like me. That's like chump robin just disappears in Couchee. He said Kuchie. Well, that's the word you can use to not get in trouble. Coochie, because I've heard of the Hoochie coochie girls. Never met them, but I've heard of them very nice. So we into this or what? Yeah, we are totally into this. ARE WE IN TROUBLE? I think we are in trouble. I'm here, here, yeah, we definitely want to hear from our listeners. Yeah, I have you gotten in trouble for? Whether sex, drugs, driving, all the above. Right time. You gotta blow job on a public bus? Yes, yeah, from the driver he didn't miss a stop. I think that's want he's really good at. Everybody knows. Want one blow job away from trouble exactly. He says, like, do we have any, you know, trouble quotes? You know, give us a quote about trouble. Okay, yeah, this one really works for me. You know, I didn't start trouble. It was here when I got here. HMM, would is usually bullshit, because I'm usually the one that starts the trouble. It's because I moved in a house little above an Indian burial ground. Again. Yeah, well, they're cheap. I know, right one. It's shape, you know, the Zombie girl comes out of the closet. There's still some guy going. I'd do her. It's a real hard necrophilia. Bastard. He's like I like living girls, but I dip them an ice first. Very nice. We're our biggest fans. Yes, yeah, so you look like trouble. Call Me, Uh Huh. Yes, I call you sir, except what I call you betch, and then you don't like that. Sometimes I do well, I've when girls like you like pull my hair, choke me, spank me, like Holl the fuck am I supposed to do that all the same time. It's easy. A multitasks gotta have eight hands. It's like you should go out with an octopus. Lady. We're knocktop cock. Yeah, speaking of octo cocks, there's such a thing. I thought that was eight guys in the dark room, right, dark guys in a light room. Yeah, it's one time I was doing comedy with this comedian, cody right, and he's up there and I know what the hell he was talking about, but he's like, I have like eight, eight cocks, and I was like you have an octocock. And when I got up there I was like yeah, let's give it up for cody's OCTO COP. I was like, don't worry, cody, I'm an OCTOCON. You know, we can have some cute baby. If you can't rip on your fellow Comedians, who can your repaon? And nine holes in her the front. You know, you're half a golf course. I write have. I could have an operation, I'd probably get another cock installed. You know, you have a two chicks at the same time, one in the front, one in the back and one in the back. Well, I mean not in the...

...back, I mean the one in the vagina. And I in the aster around the bone or up, you know, sticking out like two in the front, so that way it lines with the vagina and the asshole the same time. There you go, folks. Everybody out there can make that happen. The number is nine hundred, etc. Etc. Just ask for beauty. That's crazy. Well, this is crazy talk coming at you. It is on a semi regular basis. How regular it is, we don't know. We don't know. It's comedic diarrhea, so it's not very regular. It's definitely comedic. Exactly. Not enough fiber. These quotes really blow. So with these, yeah, I mean we got better trouble quotes exactly. Yeah, and if anybody has an Octocock, let me know exactly, because I definitely want to see that in action. Will Audition you and film it the same day. Everyone will have some fun, bring the kids, bring around neck ties. Exact actly. My chairs creak and I hope that the microphone pick that up, so you know the authenticity of this production exactly. Get that damn in turn in here to well, this chair. I'm sorry, I use all the W D forty when I was says I right now blub so you know a little slab, ratch him out. Wd Forty does the job. It does many jobs. That and duct tape exactly, although I don't think I want to duct tape anal beads in. Well, that sounds like trouble right here. Yes, and that's what we've been talking about. Yes, and if you have ever duct tape with a capital speeds in your ass, please let us know here. You got inquiring minds when I next gets better. All the time it does it. I'm beauty and I'm the beast. Check us out on the web at www showcom.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (73)