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Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast

Episode 66 · 6 months ago

Beauty and the Beast Show Episode 66 - Comedic Diarrhea Variety Show

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Beauty and the Beast Show Episode 66 - Comedic Diarrhea Variety Show  

We have a great show lined up for you today! Special guest voices provided by Lizzie Lenco, Patrick Stoll and Mrs Spark. Stick around and you might just get a song in the end…er at the end. I don’t know…just bring the lube!   

Beauty and the Beast Show theme by Paynkiller Background music by Slamhaus Special guests include Patrick "Stallion" Stoll, Lizzy Lenco, Mrs. Spark and Beauty  

Follow Beauty and the Beast: www.beautyandthebeastshow.com Facebook: Beauty and the Beast Show E-mail: beautyandthebeastshow69@gmail.com Listen to us on: Spotify iTunes iHeart Radio Amazon Sounder FM

M Hm, coming to you almost live from lake side. Hello everyone, and welcome back to the beauty and the B show. I'm Christine Nolton, PA'll be your host for this portion of the evening or daytime, or whatever the hell time it is where you're from. It doesn't matter, just as long as you're listening and we're watching. Yes, that sounds like a creepy thing. Alright, moving on. Alright, we've got a great show lined up for you and we haven't have special guest voices. Yep, that's right, Lizzy Lenko and Patrick Stole. Also, MRS spark. Hello, we've got some awesome voices, that's right, even international voices. So stick around and you might just get a song in the end, or at the end, I don't know. Just bring some lube. Let's get on with the show already. Hello everyone, and welcome the Spluche News. If it's splute related, you'll hear it here, folks. Even if it's not related, you're still gonna hear it. That's right, we have our own news, so deal with it. Damn it, everyone gets wet on this show. Alright. So spluche news for this week. Hoover, Damn caught fire. I should you not that damn damn literally caught fire. Ironically, something that holds water caught on fire. Locals say a burning Bush could be to blame. Um, I wouldn't know anything about that because I don't have a Bush. But firefighters could not get water to the damn. Iron Right. It's...

...like a fire and a damn with no water in sight, isn't it ironic? Beavers ran for cover as a damn damn was on fire. Yep, that's right. Beavers everywhere and not a wet one on site. NOPE, this might be more of a loop story at this point, but we're gonna roll with it, because that's what we do, bitches, all right. Also, damn snack bar is at a great loss and there will be no snacks. There are no snacks left at all, nothing for those poor dry beavers. But here are some quotes from the city folk. Here over, whoever damn damn, I can't believe the damn damn caught fire. Another one said, damn it, the damn is on fire, followed by Damn, Damn Damn. I'm not sure if that was actually damn damn damn or Damn Damn Damn, another local way, you said, burning Bush. That must hurt. Again, I don't know, I don't have one. And Damn, there's nothing like a dry beaver in July. This is the worst damn news there can be. But that's okay, folks. So we need all beavers on deck. Yes, right, yes, that's right, all beavers on deck. Please send as much flush as possible to replenish the damn. Damn splush will save the day, making beavers Nice and wet throughout the damn who. And that's all we have tonight for splush news. Each movie it's it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive. And this is your old l beast shouting out to the nations around the globe...

...who listened to this show, Picturio to the people in the UK, and guttent tag to our friends in Germany. Not that the people in the UK are not our friends, let's get that straight. This this goes on and on and it's a veritable United Nations of citizens listening. So if y'all don't like the fact that beauty and the B show appeals to people around the world, there are many other quality podcasts on the air. You can check out cab box comedy on twitch. Stay tuned for details. Thanks. Speaking of Tom Hanks, I mean spanking of thanks anyway. Special shout out to the Nice Man who took the time to p m meet and asked me to find the Lord. And there are so many to choose from. So, I repeat, plenty of great podcasts and quality content on the INTROWEBS. But I digress. The beast and beauty all the air. Things might get out of hand, I don't know. They're jokes are red tint in the stalls of about the rooms across the lamb. So celebrate and you renate a slow and steady stream. There's plenty o hot water and the poor slin always gleams in the toilet, because, let's where I wrote this song. Oh yeah, blessings of the algorithm to you. You may now be seated while we return to our regularly scheduled excetera. And now it's nostalgia time on beauty and the beast, as we hearken back to those simpler times when boys would be boys. Yes, it's time for another episode of CLEEF IT to Beaver. Let's see what the boys are up to this time. Hey, wally, look...

...what I found. Pop's gonna kill you when he sees you're smoking his cigars beef. Oh Jeez, no, wally, these ain't no cigars, but they are smoking like the cool kids say. What do you got their beef? Well, Tommy says they're called teach you wina bibles. They got funny pictures and all. Oh Geez, beef. He should have showed him to me first. Well, I showed him to Timmy's sister first. Bowser's beef. That took some nerve. What did she say? She slapped me in the face. Oh, be that's terrible. Yeah, but then she felt sorry and hugged me real close. So my head was all up against your boobs. Then what happened then? Almost have blacked out. Let me see those things. Geez, beef. What did you get all over him? Glue or something? Uh, let me borrow this one. Beef Alice comes to wonderland. I got a date with Tommy's kid sister. Just bring it back the way he found it. Pastor Riley says, who give me ten bucks a piece for him? Dan Bucks, that's nothing. He gave me twenty dollars to do. What? qually? Uh, tomorrow's Lord. Yeah, beef. Sure, tune in next time for quefit to beaver. Brought to you by Dr Diablos coffee and cigarettes diets, the coffee and cigarettes diet. Yes, the Diet craze that sweet being the nation left. Dr Diablo, show you how the coffee and cigarette diet dropped the weight or dropped dead. Either way you'll get thinner. And now back to our regularly scheduled program M M hm. So let's see what we can do here. Uh,...

...let's be sound like open up m M oh. Well, it's your old peal beast coming at you almost alive from an undisclosed location somewhere in central New Jersey for this week's shiny new episode. All the beauty and the best show. Have you seen that beauty? She's everywhere, bitches, beauty and her fellow comedy massachus. You could a zoom into your life and she is always first on the beauty and the B show. So odds are you've already tuned out. So if you are not listening to my dulcet tones, then a big fuck you directly from my heart to you. We'd like everyone to know...

...that that big funk you came courtesy of underground Smith. Point your browser at the underground dot com to see all the funked up ship they sell to undermine polite society. Tell them be sent you and get a free fuck you. Courtesy of Spike Magnola, the one. Hey, what happened? And welcome to a special presentation. All the beast parts on this week's edition will beauty and the beast show. I'm your host with the most and taste, as dosto thinks, for tuning in. We're proud to present this which beast parts almost live and direct from a beautiful state of confusion known as New Jersey. That's right, the east parts GSP to our two, has officially begun, folks, and when we say GSP, we mean none other than the Garden State Parkway. Did you know that nine of the service centers along the parkway have been renamed for famous celebrities and Jersey favorites, including author Judy Bloom, Journalists Kenny Chung, Mr Bon Joey and old blue highs himself? For ranks and I tra from one end to the other, you'll find well appointed dress stops and service enters along the Garden State Parkway. We're the reasonably priced gas. I mean, sure, it's more expensive than at other gas stations, but imagine what they could charge you with the wanting. And believe me when I tell you that the coffee at the MINIMART next to the pump is Gush Darn it just as good as that new fantled starbucks swill. Wait, is starbucks s monsor it's good old American coffee proved by Americans up and down the Garden State Parkway. Unless you get to Jamaican blend, maybe where the French roast, but you get the picture. You can mix the Columbian with the Cuban and put Irish cream in it. For all like air. Just drink coffee. Damn it brought to you by coffee. The Be sparts GSPOUR is made possible by Harry Lowe's Harriet's sex shop and Porno and PORIO, New Jersey's largest where. Every Wednesday is VCR not featuring classic smokers. I'm the good...

...old he's a porn on video cassette. Please be kind and rewind, Hey, but not with your Dick. Mr Harry Loves Harry. It is the exclusive distributor of beauty in the B show products like guerrilla goo buckets as blues and vibrating fenny packs when you want to bone until the cows come home. Harry Loves Harriet. And now a word from our newest sponsor, Gary's g spot wiggolos. Ladies, when you need a man who are at the Jersey shore called Gary, this is Gary Gooman Glid is, owner of Gary's Gee spot Jiggolo, coming at you, but now without your consent, from the beautiful joysy's your ladies, if you want a big go, he's just not a way to go. Remember Gary's Gee spot wiggolow. We know the GE spots real because we go there again and I again know what I mean. Count the strokes. While you get pope pain, YOU'RE gonna lose count guarantee. Ask about our special rates for bachelor at Polish. When do you want the house on sex and you at the Jersey shore? When you're visiting our beaches, I can be high at all. We'll do some shots at yea, let's make in at night. We'll do it in the sand by the Dawn's early night. got a little niche. Let me be a scratch. I do accept Venmo or. You can pay me cash at my guarantee that I can do it twice. Dip Me with the cash APP. That would be nice. Gary's Cheez Pat Chigg Loos. Gary's Cheez Potigglos. I love chicks from Philly. I think there's swell and imports to New York. Say I cheat really well. Gary's Cheez Patlos. Gary's Cheez Patiggalos takes my phone on your upcoming trip. I love to get tipped with a big casino chip, drop a can. Yeah, cabbage spots a lot. When he went to big hole and you don't know where to go, go one eight hundred G s five. It has been called the slap herd round the world, but Chris Rock didn't mind. What's his secret? Is it his comedy career, his celebrity status, his sixty million dollars? What's Chris Scott, that you haven't got bitch slap insurance from the BALSAC agency providing insurance against unprovoked bitch slap since nineteen for as little as month. You're entitled to compensation if you are the victim of a bitch slap. Joined the many celebrities who don't give a ship if they get hit. Bitch lap insurance from the ball stacking agency, an official sponsor of beauty bish. Hello Friends, this is Mrs Harry...

Balsack from the ball sack agency. We have paid out more than three million dollars in bitch slap insurance claims since nine now we are proud to not only author comprehensive bitch slap insurance to slap ease across our great nation and positive Canada, were permitted by law, we can now offer policies to slappers too. That's right, for as little as a month, we will cover you in the event you accidentally bitch slap someone. Many of our policy holders Save Them for the holidays or use them on vacation. They sleep at night knowing that, no matter who they allegedly slapped, their alleged victims are covered. So, whether you're the slappy or the slapper or a little of both, we don't judge. Called the ball sack agency because we've got y'all back pous holders covered for two slaps within a twelve month period. Additional Bitch laps requires psycho analysis, Anger Management and up to twenty wars community service and parts of Connecticut and Maine. Mrs Harry Ball Zack is a big company's books person the BASS ACK agency. It's not gonna on violence, MOE courage picks liven but we've got your back. WE'RE ALLOWED BY LAW IN DEC moths, nine month subject change. There's the conditions apply. H H. The white zone is for loading and unloading only. If you need to load or unload use the white zone. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and goals visitors from around the goal, welcome to the Frank Sinatress service and in beautiful doll away, New Jersey, s the best need to rest. First Stop on the Beast Parts Gordon State Park, points twenty to grab your coffee, take a dump from bio scratch off ticket brives. And here's the chairman of the board himself, Stud spreading the news. The signs up today they named a rest stop after me in Gallera. Sinatra is back and they're starbucks too. They sell the daily number there and scratch offs should be doom. You can stop here if you should...

...need some rest. The copy at the many months is simply the best. The bathrooms are clean, the porcelain gleams idlantic cities just around the bend Costino Dreams. Know what I meant should be to be sorry focused those cheap sons of pictures did not pay for the licensing rights to the entire song. But Hey, you know thats so. How about this place? Huh? Is it great or what? As I'm looking down on you, I mean at you, I mean from this stage. You know what I mean. Anyway, looking down on all you little people, I gotta say it's good enough, am I right? The Frank's a nat your service, hours away from Hoboken, where the chairman of the board was born, but it is just around the corner from the world famous Atlantic City Boardwalk where frank and his bals used to play. In fact, it is so close you can eat it pretty good with us. Snub nose thirty eight and forget about a forty five. I said forget about it. You never saw me with a forty five. o Cape All, and now a little culture, very little. Ah. There once was a man from a hoboken who found out his manhood was broken. A funky blue pill gave him back his will, but not half as much as the cocaine. Well, it kind of rhymes. Speaking of cocaine. Where there's coke, there should be a juicy whopper nearby with cheese and a paper crown, maybe a plastic toy baby. Yes, Burger King in the House here at the Franks and not your service center. Let's give Burger King a big round of the bloise. Has Anyone ordered I'll whopper yet? Please order one for me, because those things are like ten bucks apiece. My father used to say, son, you know your success because you will be able to afford a ten dollar hamburger and unlike that. This is...

...a cheeseburger and he comes with extra parackles and every fucking thing. You can have it here. Wait. Hey, sorry for Kristen in front of the little kids. I wouldn't want to put any of you parents out of a job or nothing. Speaking of having it your way, I asked it. Everyone, please bow your heads for a moment of silence for Tony Scab faced Scambini and Frankie hatchett knows, mcgilla cutty, who happened to be buried right underneath this place in what some say it's the definition of irony and others say serves them right. Remember any fear? Remember back on the their bags. What is my old lady hanging around again? He'll never get out of another penny out of me. You Viper the light down after loading and I'm loading only if you need the loader low again, the wife now. Well, that's my time, folks, and thanks for being part of this historic day at the one and only Frank Sinatra service center with a gas is reasonably priced. I mean sure, it costs more than your local gas station, but imagine what they could judge you if they really wanted to. Am I right? For what has a man? What has he got? If he's got Burger King, then he's got a lot. Just pile it up high with pickles and co a large order of fries, and should be to be do. The number one thing that I've got to say is having your your away. That's right, everyone, thanks for coming out to the first leg of the Beast Garden State Parkway tour. The owner of a White Chrysler Le Baron. Your lights are on. Your lights are on. The owner of a White Chrysler Le Baron. Please report any suspicious activity or unattended bags. The white zone is for loading and unloading only. If you need to load our unloads used the White Zone. The number one thing, but I've got to...

...say, is having your boy. Thank you everyone. Your night. God bless you're gonna be People's hold the last. That's a lot of don't always that left your way. Be Having your baby. You're playing bad your mother. Oh, you have reached the New Jersey State police. If this was an emergency, we would have called you. They leave. Me Leave your message at the sound of the toe, the bellow. I was at the grand opening of the Frank Sinatra Service Center and I think that that Frank Sinatra guy stole my wallet. Um. Also, he said that some gangsters named Scambini and mcgilla cutty were buried underneath the rest stop. Yeah, there are rewards away from the bone and by to one the bellow. Hell then, my protise. Welcome to rat bastard theater. Tonight we have something spooky for you. That's right. Nothing up our sleeves, nothing between our breast, but a nice rat story. That's correct. And tonight we will be telling the story of the rat that was a count. Yes, that's right, you heard it here, the rat that was a count by Christine Nolton. Here we go. There once was a rat that was a count. His name was grover. What a name for count. That was why day.

He was just about to come out of his hole. Yeah, you know which hole I'm talking about. Oh Yeah, when he saw another count named James, who was a prime meat rat in the rat world. That's right, he was weighing a whole twenty pounds. That rat was giant, and this is my story, Damn it, so we're going to roll with it. So James was waiting outside ready to attack rover. If I go outside now, he will surely eat me, and not in a good way. Thought Rover, what a pussy he was. What the hell kind of a rat was that to go after the eyes? So he went back inside of his hole and joined all the other counts inside. That's a lot of things inside of a cunt. I need to retinct this story. There he asked another rat. He was even a bigger cunt than he was. Friend, why don't you come out with me to the crack house? It would be nice to have your company, company country, okay, whatever. The second rat was simple and did not suspect anything. A bunch of dummy as counts around here. So he agreed to accompany him. Yes, I would love to go with you. I've heard that crack is the best and rats really do love crack. He said, thank grover. Said, you are my guest, you must go first, and in this case first sir, first come. So off they went merrily, scurrying their little rat legs along. That is right, being the good little counts they were. As soon as the other rat jumped out of the hole, James grabbed him and made a meal out of him. Wha Grow for the count he was. He quickly raced pass jeans. James didn't even notice that count just went right by him. Couldn't smell of nothing. He made his way to the crack house and there he enjoyed all the crack and hookers for himself the fucking end. And this has been rack bastard theater. Yeah, you're still here, damn it.

Why won't you people get the hell out of my house? What the hell are you waiting for? Christmas? Well, is July Christmas, and July you want a song. God Damn. How come every time I gotta Play Your Song? You know this is turning into a really weird habit. Okay, Casey, you don't have to Swiss my arm I'm gonna play the song for you. It's all good. Well, we'll do it again. Casey Make Neil guys, amazing comedian from Boston. Go get him for your shows. I'm pretty sure you can pay him in weed. Maybe not. Okay, I wasn't joking about that. Just go anyway. Here we go. Let's end this ship out right. You in the flying fattest. Maybe screw me over once again. He took at his pointy Aro and shot me. I've never reached me. In fact, kid me. That Arrow was in Bulevard, but boison instance. So one time for I'm fine. Fan as baby goud you could wine humm good. All right, now, get the funk out of here. Go Buy some merch checkers out at beauty and the beast show dot com. Bitches, okay, you just have a Clem Douggy du Idio B show dot com.

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