Sounder SIGN UP FOR FREE
Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast

Episode 54 · 3 months ago

Beauty and the Beast S3:E7 - Bitchin' w/ Beauty and the BEAST Parts

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Beauty and the Beast S3:E7 - Bitchin' w/ Beauty and the BEAST Parts

Welcome to the Beauty and the Beast Show! Beauty and the Beast is a show with comedian, Kristine Knowlton (Beauty) and comedian Mark Hills (Beast) coming together to make and create a show about nothing and everything in between! Please sit back and enjoy some of their best comedic diarrhea! Disclaimer: For best results play the whole show backwards with the sound completely turned off.

Feel free to drop them some hate mail at beautyandthebeastshow69@gmail.com

Find Us: www.beautyandthebeastshow.com

Coming to you almost live from lakeside. Hello everyone, welcome back to the beauty and the beast show. I'm Christine Noldon. I will be your host for this half of the podcast. That is correct. Beast will be jumping in with the beast parts coming right after yes, I said coming. We're going there. We're starting off with a cum joke. Yes, it's been quite a while. We got to do a couple rants here, couple bitching with beauty. I guess we should call them figure out where the Hell I've been. What the Hell went wrong? You know, sometimes things happen, I believe you know. Things do happen for a reason, and mostly it's a shitty reason, like, for instance. Okay, so I was in the show, much ado about nothing, which was canceled two weeks prior to opening. Been in rehearsals, since I'm Brown, I guess the end of January, Ish January, early February, something like that. Lots of hard work. Everyone worked their asses off. I had two musical numbers that I'll never be able to do. In fact, I haven't even picked up my Ukulele since then. It was a shock. It was just a shock that a show closed down before it even started. And the worst part of it was was how it was shut down. It wasn't like, let's have a meeting, something's wrong. What can we do now? Let's just shut it down, post it on Facebook, not even let the venue know, which the venue could have helped this out, but it was too late then, because it destroyed it. It did. It really sucks. What else happened? Okay, so, not to bring anyone down, okay, fuck that. Okay, I'm in an off mood. It's like be's got me. Oh he had the he's so amazing, like beast is just amazing. He went through surgery, had quarters removed from its fucking throat and he's back up and doing this and I'm complaining and I'm complaining. What the Hell is that? Okay, rant over, moving on. Someone else have Oh, the second bad thing that happened to me. I'm waiting for the third. I'm literally sitting here like I never want to leave the house again. I never want to do anything because something bid's going to happen. So the other week I was over at my cousin John's House, actually at his new bakery called foster speak easy bakery, located in Elwood, New Jersey. Guess a lot of people are like Elo was like what the Hell is that? I was like, oh, wood is a speak easy in itself, I kid you not. It's one of those really hard to play, hard, hard to find, hard to find places. I need to go back to speech therapy, okay. Or I can talk like I'm from Minnesota and we can talk about all the flannel anyway. So I don't know, that's like a sexy Minnesota that has nothing to do with anything. So anyway, so I go over to his house. We're making a Cape for quiet and everything. Nintendo switch really awesome, spongebob on the screen, you know, came out amazing. Find US on facebook. Fine him on facebook. I don't know I'm there. I'm there. I help them with stuffer. So we get there, we're all set up. You know where? We're out, you know, outside for a bit because it was a nice freaking day. We've had some really nice weather here in Jersey. All those raining like a bitch now, but it's been pretty nice. So, you know, we're hanging outside, we're getting some fresh air, getting ready to go in. You know, that's what you want to do when you work, you know, in a small room, creating a cake. You want to have some fresh air, chill out time, you know, catch up on things. So we're doing that and his dogs outside. He throws, you know, a big stick. She goes to fetch it or whatever. Of course it lands like...

...in a tree and it falls down and of course she's nos them for it. And he didn't realize this, but there's and that little pack there there's some poison ivy. So what do we do? Like, okay, dogs got poison ivy. Dogs don't realize it either, because little like licket and everything get poison, I've y'all in their tongue and it's horrible. So I suggested since they didn't have like any baby wipes or anything like that, everything was you know, the antibacterial with bleach. It's like don't use those on animals. You know, baby wipes, I do believe, or acceptable. But yeah, so I was like, okay, what about dawn? You know dawn dish soap, because they use that to wash animals all the time and everything. So got some of that. He's giving his dog bathroom the driveway. Okay, I fast forward here. I feel like I've slipped into rows, like I'm channeling rose, my golden girl, right now. So betty white is just being channeled, you know me. She rest in peace. All the story like our to get on with it, like okay, what happened, and saying old of like what the Fuck's going on here? Like okay, so fast forward. Okay, so dog gets poison ivy. Okay, got it cleaned up, getting back to it, getting ready to star. His fiance is really, really nice, she's really really supportive, and she's washing the dishes, you know, doing that, and he's like, you know what I'm going to be? I'm going to be really nice and really sweet and I'm going to set up, because he had baked a couple of their cakes prior to this, like little case, like we're experimenting, you know, and he put one out for her. So what she was done watching this? She could have a nice piece of cake. And she looks over at the table. Wasn't there cake here? We're like yeah, and then the plate was on the floor. The dog ate the entire cake and it was an alcohol filled cake. It was crazy. So, okay, not only does she get into poison ivy, but now we have a drunk dog. That is fan freaking task that. Don't worry, we did get to the cake, by the way, the client loved it. We had a couple drawbacks here and there, but everything worked out beautifully. Client loved it. So I'm on my way home. It's three o'clock in the morning. It's after three o'clock in the morning. Okay, if I'm going to be doing this after midnight, I got to have a place to crash. Okay, just putting that out there because where I live now it's kind of like there's no street lights and there's a shit ton of deer and it's ally games until some asshole hits a deer with the car. That was me. So I'm okay. I don't know about the car, though. The car starts up. I finally get the habit checked out on Friday. It's like who who? Finally, almost two weeks later, to two weeks later it took to get an appointment. But that's okay. That's okay. I'm fight. Like I said, the car starts up, it's running. It runs. Like I said, the headlights are totally smashed. I had to drive them literally the driver side one, the left side one, was sticking up in the bushes. I was like, Oh, this is going to be fun, right, but like, I'm so glad there was no other cars involved. I didn't damage anybody's property. Thank God for that. My luck is I would have like taking out someone's fence and it would have cost like five grands or replace it. Luckily No, I stayed in the road. Dear hit Bam, went flying, skidded. I want to say, okay, there's about three houses together. It touched down on the like where the third one was and skidded across the graund. This is a really weird fucking podcast, by the way, so if you are listening you're like, what the fuck? No, I did not mean to hit a deer. I'm glad it was a little baby, dear, though, but it was definitely a big deer, not as bit. I have hit another deer before and of course it was around the same fucking hour. Different Road, though, so that's what's been going on in my life. So I'm waiting for number three to stray. I've already got too strikes. It's like play closing down. And now the car and I'm praying that the next drake is not that the car is totaled again. It is running fine, it's not overheated. The air bags didn't deploy, so I'm guessing it's hopefully the fender and hopefully they can straighten out the hood on it. If not, they're actually not too expensive. I was looking at them online, but it all depends on what kind of parks you need and all that kind of it's yeah, it's more complicated. It doesn't look too bad, so God damn it, Goddamn. On that note, I have no transition. So let's talk about okay, who likes candy right like, Oh my God, it's so good but so bad for you all the same time. I mean it right now is just killing me. You know, you know, we started off the year so well, right, we had Valentine's Day candy. Then what came after Valentine's Day? Candy? Easter Candy. All right, now we're...

...in a hold until October for Halloween Candy. What the hell happened to the rest of the months? Like there's no candy holidays like what I mean? There's no for big fourth of July bonnies or some shit. I don't know. Maybe they could fuse a couple things together. I mean in my eyes every day of Halloween. But that's it. That's beside the point. I know it tastes better. I swear to God. If you wait to have like any Halloween type candy, wait until October. Do Open off one of those bags, it's like, Oh, you open up one right now. Nothing, nothing. You won't get the same jowy or satisfaction. Nope, can't believe that, though. No other candy holiday until October. Wow, but then we used to share it with like basic bitch season. So what the Hell? I mean, I'm losing my mind over here. Were Handy, although you can't lose something that you've never had. Let me just point that out to you. So Damn, I did have some peanut MM's today. They got me through. It's all good, I'm good. I mean, yeah, what the Hell? Right, yeah, let's go from talking about Der Gusts Candy. What the Hell? It's great. It's great. So, yes, I'm going to do a little comedy hit. That's that was a new bit with the candy. Of course, it's more like, I guess it's another's bitch, and with beauty that gets we can call that. But sometimes I like to do that. I like to do new parts of some comedy and then I like to mix them in with old ones, like, for instance, the part that I'm about to do right now. It's like, well, you've heard of the freshman fifteen. Now get ready for the pandemic from Hell thirty, because we're still in it. It's not overet bitches, right, that's right. Double the pounds, double the Chins, double the rolls. If you got double, make them triple. Go for the gold. Are My keys, the cookies. Oh my God, I love cookies. Get ready for this, but we do have a problem, and this is very serious's I first off, my dealer is back in town, also known as the girl scouts. How you can't eat one of those cookies, you open one of those boxes. Are All going down in my right. But the only thing, though, the only cookie that's not moving forward, are the oreos. That's right, oreo cookies, a top rated cookie and a number one in my heart. They started off so good. I mean they went from class to double stuffed, then triple stuffed, the mega stuff, then the most stuffed, which, frankly, I think they could do a lot better. But what happened after that? What happened after the most stuffed. They went thin, thin oreos. I said it and I'm not proud of it. Okay, many Oreos are cute as fuck, but thin Oreos, like. Who is saying that Oreos need less cream? Like, what the Hell is that? You know? Lessons more does not apply to the oreo cookies. No, not by far. We should be on octave stuff by now. You know where. There's cookie at one end, eight inches, twelve inches of Phill it of cream and another cookies the other. And yes, I said twelve innches. Come on, guys. Yes, women prefer Girth, all right, but we've evolved with the most stuffed. We can't unevolved now. They should really be ashamed of themselves. It's totally insane. Thin Oreos. They're definitely the suppository of the cookie world. I just don't get them. Then, if you're gonna have a cookie, have a goddamn cookie. Sorry. Moving on, though, my other favorite cookie is anything by the keepler else. MMM, they're so good. Chips, the lucks like hello eminem's and chocolate chip cookies right there. It's a win win. There's grasshoppers and cocoon it dreams, or, as I call them, the year around girls scout cookies. Hell, yeah, there's Vienna fingers too. I know, a little bit too vanilla for me, like I totally go for the chocolate, but I love them anyway. Then there's fooge sticks and softbake chocolate chip cookies and chocolate cover Graham crackers and, okay, I think I just gave myself a cookie gasm. Man, all that talk about cookies wholely frap. I just love them. I can't get enough. Phone cookies are just amazing. But Dude, I was sitting at the table the other night enjoying some fun stripe keepler elves cookies. I mean they are the best. Right. Then I got the thinking. And here's the dangerous, dangerous part. Right, smoke was coming out, coming out of my ear, Yer's right, not on my vagina. I haven't...

...reached that level yet. But you know, the hamster still alive up there. He's spending his little fee all and then Bam, it hit me like the key blar. Else, are just a bunch of dudes hanging out in the treehouse all day pack and fudge because that's their job. I don't know what the hell you people were thinking. Oh my God, you say packing fudge and you automatically mmm, who's got the dirty mind? Now me explaining it, that's who. But I do. It's like I'm hungry and Horny all the time. I swear to God, if there's food in my hand, sometimes it ends up MMM, Yep, you know, are like. You know, I get up for like a two am snack, right and I'm like, Damn it, you know, eat a little denvy Swiss roll. They are so damn good. The cream rock wrapped in the chocolate, covered in chocolate. Oh my God, let's just say there was two kinds of cream when I host done. That's right. Nothing like a little debby Swiss roll in the Vagina joke just to end that. They're YEP. Coming up next we have beasts, the best of beat. No, wait, damn it, I'll get this right. The beast bits. There you go, the beast. It's kind of like the best bits. All right. Up Next is the beast. But stay, stay in tune, because we have some, I think, some chicken jokes coming up after words, towards the end, though, it's like, but be sure that you stick around though. From beasts, though, he's got some amazing stuff to say and you should hear his voice. So, yes, I'm Christine Noldan. I am over and out. This is beast back from the dead and getting some head. How are you, beast fans? How did you get along without me? I just got back from a little vacation where I went nowhere and still spent thousands of dollars. Yep, yes, I had a little operation. I had my thyroid removed, and wow, what an adventure that was. From the moment I arrived at the hospital to the minute I left, nothing but fun nurses and lots and lots of blood. It's my understanding I fought with the anesthesiologist when I was coming back to planet earth and I was pulling my intervene as tunes out, helpter skelter. Oh my goodness, gracious me. Now I have not gotten my voice back. This is really affecting my singing career mostly, though most people know that I didn't never have a singing career, and the funny thing is a lot of people remarked about how frustrating it must be to be me and not be able to talk, ha ha ha, while it was actually quite liberating. But I do have to keep it way down low here on the down low. Wednesday, brand new fucking beauty and the beast show. We immedia has so much shit happening. I hope she's making some bread, because rumor has it she's making some cake in her neck of the woods. But why does she make cake when she knows I love pies? And she's starting an Improv group? Just Gang Buster Shit. Who knows when she will finally say beasts, I'm going to have to put you out to pasture. You were just not part of the scene anymore. It's the beauty and everybody else show now. Bob, it's just that. I yeah, it's just that I got the silly sound of EFECTS APP and I wanted to try out the sad sound, so I had to set myself up somehow nice. Now that's actually kind of lame, but he's one for beauty, who probably still missing her wren fares. I don't know, Willie, he's lapping it off. What Ho foul name do you go on a Ho? You spell peen. That's an old word. I think...

...that goes back to like the one THOUSD fifteen hundred spell being not that, I go back to the one thus fifteen hundred time, much more modern than that. I'm much more gitpowered, that's right, and every now again I look in the rearview mirror. Oh, maybe that's enough of the sound effects. I need to bring the harsh realities of the world into this bedroom here. Plus my wife's trying to go to bed and I'm making police siren will not be the silly APP so, in an effort to once again stay evergreen and never dwell on the topics at hand, we will just say, HMM, there's so much to talk about. That's political, and we of course do not do that here at beauty and the be show. We bright ourselves on mostly talking about the dirty deed and, of course, the Queeness blue should beauty. So many stories to tell and I have to tell you, if you want to spend some fun time, go back into the archive and the pull up good show or two. And in fact I know our shows are getting really good because we've getting so many plays now in Germany. So shout out to all our German fans and work. Course, still coming up the charts in Sri Lanka with a bullet, and we did check the WIKIPEDIA. Found out that you Lanka so poorly don't actually have any bullets? Yeah, that's okay. It seems like we can send them some, because we don't seem to have any lack of bullets over here in the good old United States of America. That's right, and I guess that's all I have to say about that. But Hey, let me just interject that there's more and more reasons to stay at home these days. Let's see where you can make your room podcast. That's right, it's never been easier to get out there and get your crazy face and get your crazy ideas out there into the world. You hear about this thing that take talk dickta. Well, I have, and guess what, I've got plenty of videos up there now, but they're only about one thing, and that one thing is not me dancing around looking like an idiot. It's about scratching my pets. That's right, one after one, I scratch those little suckers, and that's all I care about. Scratching, and not that Weiky. We can, we can scratching, though that's plenty fun in its own right. I'm talking about actual scat, scratching on a cat or a dog, which everyone is in closest reach to you, and on that note. I guess we could talk about the subject of hair, because my hair has never ever been longer and I think one of the reasons is that I'm grown here so long. It's because I work with so many women. There's like one man to every ten women in my company or the agency I work for. I shouldn't say my company. That was wrong to say. Sorry, is not my company. But I think the reason my hair is so long because that's the only way I can people with some of these girls in the looks department because they can't wear those bitch and pumps they wear or those awesome yoga pants. Yikes, that's happening here now. I'm having technical difficulties in mostly the technical difficulty is me. That's usually what the problem is. It's the problem is between the chair and the microphobe, or the computer keyboard this case. So thanks for bearing with me. We're back and trying to do the beauty and the beast show again. And I was on the subject of hair, long hair, and the reason that is become such an issue for me it's because it's at that length, and I forgotten now I did have long hair when I was very young. It's about as long as it was back then, when I was a young wild buck, now an old wild buck, and I did forget how easy it is to open your mouth on a windy day and just have that hair go right down your throat and start to joke you to death. And that's not how you want to choke to death. Choke to death on his own hair. They might want to choke on someone else's hair, I don't know. And every now that you might choke on that one hair, if you...

...know what I mean. And heir hair everywhere down to my knees. I don't go for the beard, though. Those giant beards ID just that. I don't know. First of all, mine is completely gray, so when I start to grow it, I look like a long hair Santa Claus, and or I look like elderly Jesus. Maybe that's the one, the old really Jesus, it's you. You're back from the dead and you're aging. Yes, yes, I am. Fact, I did just have a birthday, so it's another trip around the Sun with you folks, and another year wiser, another year more handsome and another year just as broke as the last year. So I've been trying to think about some ways to make some cash and that's had a really good idea and I am making a little extra money on the side right now. And once a month I get a total body shave down and all the hair from my body except with goes my head. I leave that, but the rest of the back chest, the Botox, etc. All that hare goes in a plastic bag and it gets shipped to Sri Lanka and we we are one of the most popular podcasts in the country, and there it's woven into a variety of fabrics that make pot holders, basically, and these handmade Harry Pot holders are sold on a see and you can get them there five dollars a piece. Genuine beast back here is in sixty percent of the pot holder, because that's where I grow the best crop sometimes, it seems. And there's a plenty to be said about a full body to Pilatory, because you just take you have ten degrees, fifteen degrees, don'ty degrees. Cool or guys, if you're a hairy ape like me, just a beast of a beast, then you should consider that full body sheave dam BUBBA. Do that once a month, bag your hair, send it to Sri Lanka, and that would be pretty cool if I could incorporate some fan back hair and my back hair and those pot holders might be two tone. That would be pretty awesome. So what else is in the news that I don't know what I don't care because we don't talk about the news. But if I did talk about the news, I talk about the conspiracy theory. I heard that Dave grol is responsible for Kirkobaden's death. That's right, he was tired of being the drummer of Nirvana. He wanted to strike out on his own. So he's the reason that curt is dead. And he noticed that he rose to superstardom and in an effort to keep his place, he had to continue his satanic contract and he had to sacrifice Taylor Hawkins. So okay, maybe we can talk about not news but national observances. For example, this month is bribe month. That's right, pride month all month long, and if you are from where I'm from and you hang where I hang, it's pridemonth every day of the year. So hello, wake up and smell the pride month. And I got to tell you out there, Joe Corporation, Mr Big Business, you know I'm talking to. Just because you take your logo and put a rainbow treatment on it, I don't give a shit and I don't really believe that you're in any way, shape or form supporting pride month. You're simply supporting your brand with a snazzy new treatment on it that you'll put away in the archive till next pride month. As soon as pride month is over, I really would like to see how many of those fortune five hundred companies are going to keep their rainbow logos after pride month is over, because, let's face it, you can't just slap that shit on stuff. You just take the Mona Lisa and make her rainbow and say it's Monaly Super Pride month. Come on, let's have some originality here. And what are we up to now? Gbtq, and I cannot begin to say how many people I know who often into these categories. That's...

...right. I've known him forever, and some of them I didn't even realize that's right until recently. Not that I'm one of them, because I have fun recollections of my first wet dream, and it was totally about this big titty girl who wrote on a bus with me. Straight up. So, for the record, I mean, if we're basing it on that, I don't think that was anything society had taught me at that point. I think that was my raging hormones popping out and popping up. And Yeah, that she was. Wow and boy, really, that's right. My first time I ever shivered down my spine and came in my pants in my dreams. That's what the color of Wad Dream Baby, it was no nightmare. I like the DMT fueled Hell scapes that some of my friends out recently imported to me, and I will make a public service announcement now, Ladies and gentlemen, if you are going to use DMT, you must be in the right frame of mind. If you are in fact tense, nervous on a bummer trip to begin with, then don't do the things you can see there you can never UN see. Wahahaha. And for God's sake, don't do it thirty days in a row so that you can build a youtube following. No one can do DMD for thirty days in a row and then you know, come back to Earth and think they're just some kind of PUZZ SAC that is manipulated by alien puppet masters. Your whole life's ruined. What for Youtube fucking followers? So take it from me or don't take it from me, because I don't really speak from authority. I just know from what I see in the evidence is on the wall. On the wall, no, on their wall, on facebook, no, on their youtube channel. Just just watch one of these youtube videos about a person who's been on DMT for thirty days. What they could become basket cases. They don't know what the belief they actually think. They've gone somewhere else, but all they did was go somewhere else in their head and leave their earthly vessel behind. And the way they get this stuff, I apparently, is they squeeze frogs and the Pussy discharge from the frog is full of the sleucinogenic venom type thing, and after a drop eyes on the glass, they scrape it off with a razor blade or whatever frog pus scraping you gentsil they might have handy. And then you smoke it. That's right. Basically smoke three puffs of it and you leave the planet and you talk to mechanical hells and you see just geometric patterns and shapes and you become one with the God voice, I think it's a good way to put it. And there is DMT in your body naturally. So this is a theory that the reason you have crazy trips when you dream is because it's your body releasing dmt into your system to take you on a magic carpet ride. Baby. Can you imagine that your body's got this stuff in it that at night, makes your trip? That's awesome. And when everybody's running around trying to buy shit, to do what's already in your body. And that and all the dope amine, you can basically handle some kinds are really cool. Bruy Shit in there. Just got to learn how to jostle it around and activated. I know that lately I have been taking cold immersion showers home, my goodness, and I know a lot of people who jump into tubs of lce water and that's that's all well and good. I can't really do that yet. I haven't injured myself bad enough to need to do it, so I don't know how to really I really don't want to jump into a tough falizes water. I'm happy to turn the shower on gold as it'll get and stand there as long as I can take it, and you gotta breathe in an out of your mouth and you got to be careful because if...

...you breathe it out of your mouth too fast, you're going to hypervently, you're going to pass out in the TUB, and you know want that. You know what the he md's to have to come take your naked body. And I like, Oh God, this guy's getting some weight and trying to h yeah, that's up in here. You're slipping because you're also be wet from the shower you were just in and it's just it's just a bad scene. And they're like, could you get this guy some closes? He's like no, he's taking a bath. Why would he have any clothes? And speaking of clothes, I was just talking about this the other day that the longer my hair grows, I know some people whose dream it is for their hair and their beard just kind of grow together and grow into their body hair and becomes sort of like a one piece body here suit. And I'm not that guy, but I know those people. I've met them. But I forget what we were talking about other than it's a brand new beauty and the beast podcast. That's right. If we start at the beginning, then this is the beast. Welcome back. Have you been? How did you get along without me? My voice has been routined but not completely regained, and I have to speak very low and it might be a while before it ever is better, because apparently one of the gaiters in my thyroid was so big crushma local cords and also was crushing the nerves. I can drow those of cords, so that's that's a twofer right there. So it's, I guess, so a miracle I can speak at all. In fact, maybe I should apply for Saint Hood, since I have the miracle of being able to speak at all. If that were the case, we'd all be saints, but it wants to be a martyr. I'm not sure. Meanwhile, I just got back. I just got back. Little beast is bad. Little beast is bad. Little beastood, but little beast just bad. Little beast is front to that's right, the beast is back in front and part of the beauty and the be show, the Continuary, continuary comedic diarrhea of the world and the planet earth and the universe. And to think that this is being broadcast out to the planets. It's just so B buggly and you know, maybe I should get back to that sound effects thing. And I was just trying to think of some new products to bring out to the to the public, and thinking about maybe keep it in your pants box or shorts for those times when you go out. You just got to keep it in your pants. I was going to work on that and then I was thinking of coming up with other products that my body here might be incorporated into. The the pot holders is really going great. So we're wondering if I should expand the line somehow and I don't know, maybe coasters made out of scabs. I'm not sure, but I would like to at least the back hair line somehow and that maybe get a razor endorsement. I'm not sure I could be fun and I hope that everybody out there and beauty and the beast lane and that all you beauty and the beast fans know how much I appreciate you listening. If he did in fact listen, and if you didn't listen, let fuck you. And if you'd like to listen some more, you can always tune into the beauty and the beast show, where I make some lame attempt to communicate with the world and ramble on it on and on, as only a person with a mental condition can do. Thank you very much, and I wanted safe from the bottom of my heart, loves the right venture goal. Is that what's in the bottom of my heart? I don't know, but I think it's black no matter what it is. And in the meanwhile I will continue to try to restore my voice to it form and beauty so I can sing to you again and I have my full range and I can talk up here for a little while before we go it. It's really hard...

...to do the whole podcast with this sort of high voice. It's just nothing in the middle, man, nothing in the middle, and some people that's where they like to be, right there in the middle. That's right, because if your number one, everybody's after you and they're all gunning for you. They I want to be number one, two, and if you number three, while you're just a loser, you're just a shmuck. But if your number two, that's right, that's right where you want to be, right there in the middle, number two, beast of parts, and this is beauty and the beasts shining your podcast coming to you almost lie from some undisclosed location in central New Jersey. We're soon we'll do it all again. And what was it that we were talking about? Anyway, coming to you almost live from lakeside. Who Was it? One? And welcome back to the beauty and the beast show. This is a little segment that we like to call beauty spits. That's with the being, not with the tea. If you want to see these teas, you have to join my only fans or go check us out on tea public and actually buy way these awesome tshirts. Hell, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. So I just want to send a little shout out to beasts. I hope you're doing well. Beast just had surgery this past week, last week. I'm hoping that he's doing very well. It's like I miss him here at the beauty and the beast show. So we're going to continue this with the yeah, my bits, my bits. What do we got going on today? Okay, first off, I'm going to be running some footage is actually from Tom Myers versus the rest of the zoom comics. Let me see if I could pop something up here really quickly. Yes, yes, I did a show for him last week and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna do some chicken and some chicken jokes. Can you believe that Shit? I did chickens for five minutes. Five minutes on chickens. That is some crazy shit right there. But that's okay, because not that it's not okay, but maybe it is okay. We don't know right now, right, am I right? Yeah, we don't know. So that's where I'm at. It's like I made crazy set with five minutes where the chicken jokes I shot? You not? MMM, that is correct. That's it came from one of my streams, from twitch one time. My friend Aaron and I from oddly funny productions. Yes, we kept it going, we kept the chicken jokes going and I'm like, you know what is like? I could develop a set into this. And we also made out some really funky jokes and we're doing some chicken sketches and stuff like that coming up, hopefully this summer or this fall. It's like we will be on the ROKU network. That is right. We are developing our own channel, but for right now we are partnering up with sauce in the city if you have not checked out sauce in the city, you should totally check them out. And thank you, guys, for giving us, doing us, an opportunity to share things and become part of that. You that wrote the Io was say that Youtube Channel. I can't talk, I can't talk. This is what happens when, when beast is in here, I totally lose my fucking mind. So, yeah,...

US without with that being said, we're going to roll some chicken joke footage. So stick around, Guy. You know where you love our ladies and gentlemen, Christine, no, done. Thank you everyone. Thank you, Tom It's great to be here. So who likes to laugh at Shit for no reason, like it's just funny? Oh Yeah, hell yeah. Okay, so the other day I left a chickens for about two hours. I'm not kidding. That is where my mind was going. Let me set the scene for you. Okay, these chickens were chilling out in the grass, maybe twenty or thirty feet away, like twenty chicken feet. I'm talking about twenty chicken feet away from a place that sold chicken like Rotisserie, pulled, you name it, they sold it. You know, at first I was like should I call them and, you know, let them know that you know too, chickens have flown the coup, you know. But I was like no, you know what, let's let's let them have an adventure. You know, chickens lives are short anyway. So I was like what the Hell? Right. So I'm thinking about, you know, the conversation. How was going on between these two chickens, right, they're like, Whoa, we made it burn man, I need a rest. I haven't ran my little chicken legs and so long. I mean I'm sure, I sure hope they don't check out the coup and find out that we're missing. Let's send out here on a a win adventure. That's right. Are we can call it chicken fast right, and go eat other go meet other chickens. I actually wrote eat other chickens. Goddamn it, I'm fired crash in all right. Now back to the chickens, but first we have to figure out how to cross the road. What's that whole story that they tell us? You know, was like, why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, Birm, but I don't think it ended too well. But then I thought it's like maybe maybe they're just doing some chicken comedy by the road, you know, like Hey, man, not non chickens walked into a coupe. They all got laid. which came first, the chicken or the egg? And I don't care which came first, as long as they cleaned it up. Or did you hear about the chicken that cross the road? They call them chicken nuggets. Now, I didn't say it was good comedy. Damn it is, my beacone. Oh my God, this is what goes on in my head. It's scary in there, isn't it? All I can think of was like, oh my God, sweet chicken freedom, you know, breast just freely roaming around. Okay, I think they called that the s but it's definitely do for come back. That's a come back act. Not Coming on me back, but if I had, if I had chickens, you know, I've probably named them like barbecue and miss honey his sister honey mustard. You know, I think I might have a problem. But in the meantime, though, like I'm doing jokes about chickens right meanwhile, my friend Connie, I shit you not, is taking her chickens out for walk in a stroller hold on. I got put this up here and this picture. This is too fucking weird to let go. Okay, I always thought to take my cock out for a walk, like hello, ladies, Hey, you want to see what's under my hood? Yeah, that's right, it's there. This is where I get my ideas from my friends. I'm like, Oh my God, yes, but then I had like an afterthought and you know, I was like, Damn, you know, back when those chickens were just rumming about, I missed the damn golden opportunity. I swear to God, if I was wearing my denom overalls, which I swear to God I have and I love wearing those things, you know, I would have pulled over to the side right, I would have kicked off my shoes, I would have just rolled up my overalls, grabbed the chicken and walked in. I would have said Hey, I got me alive one here. Where's your chicken shaven station? At? Well, that's thinking chickens shaven station. Did I just really ramble on for five minutes about fucking chickens and we'll not fucking chicken? This isn't sound place, is Christ? I'm just do getty here. I've got thirty singing. What else could I do? But you know, I did write these a while back just to let you know. It's like those chickens are still funny. They're still here's an update on the chickens. Okay, the red one has crossed the road, or the Rainbow Bridge, we don't know yet. Vern is still hanging out in the yard. It's like I'm beginning to think, you know, when chickens cross the road it's like a suicide mission or hennicide.

Okay, maybe I've been hanging out with Tom too long, I don't know. And this is a big breast talk. I've been Christine Nolton and that was five minutes entirely on chicken. Thank you. That was funny, wasn't it? It's like, Holy Crap, I I kid you not, there really are two chickens. Don't live too far from here and they just kind of chill at the poultry place. You know, they're just chilling there. I'm like, oh, sweet baby Jesus, we are having chicken for dinner. And that has been my time here with beauties. Bits tuned in next week, as I don't know what the Hell is going to happen because obviously we've got chickens. I don't know. I'm Christine Nolton and I have been beauty for beauties bits. Check the web. WWW DOT com.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (73)