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Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast

Episode 45 · 3 months ago

Beauty and the Beast S3:E2 - More Comedic Diarrhea

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Beauty and the Beast S3:E2 - More Comedic Diarrhea |Welcome to the Beauty and the Beast Show! Beauty and the Beast is a show with comedian, Kristine Knowlton (Beauty) and comedian Mark Hills (Beast) coming together to make and create a show about nothing and everything in between! Please sit back and enjoy some of their best comedic diarrhea! Disclaimer: For best results play the whole show backwards with the sound completely turned off. Feel free to drop them some hate mail at beautyandthebeastshow69@gmail.com Find Us: www.beautyandthebeastshow.com

Coming to you almost live from lake side. Hello everyone, and welcome back to the beginning of the beast podcast. I'm Christine Nolton. I'm going to be your host for this part of the podcast. Yes, up front, in the front, although I can go in the rear. I mean I I'd like it either way. Okay, this is a Ratedar podcast, in case you are wondering. Okay, maybe you're not wondering. I'm like, what the Hell Right, you know, it's like screw it, like just spit it out, just go for it. Yes, we are back on my ash. We are video mode this week. Can you believe it? We've got the idea we're going to be doing more video here and there. We're gonna do some more of that for like special occasions, like like, I know for twenty is coming up. Yay, is Easter before twenty? Yeah, I think it is. Okay, so we're going to have little twenty show. We'll call that Easter for twenty, in case you're wondering. Just kidding. No, I don't know what we'll call it, but we'll do it. We'll do a little bit more video here and there. Get you going on the roll. I don't know. where I'm going with this. So you're just going to have to stay tuned. I've got a DD so we're going to get this out there. Okay, so a lot of people have written in like hey, beauty, like what the hell have you been doing lately, or like what the hell do you do through the time that had passed? I'm not going to say too much about the past because...

...that Shit's painful. Okay, let's just say everybody goes through things. I'd knocket covid. I didn't get anything like that and nothing like that. It's like, Oh dude, no, nothing like that. Everything is good on my end and in my end it's all good now. Everything's fine. Body Five, voice is fine, movies are fine. If you're listening, check out the video. My boobs look pretty good today. So, yes, a lot of people are like, yeah, again, what the hell have you been doing? Like where were you? Look what happened? Okay, so we revamped some things here, beauty and the beast. All right, it took a while. That was on my end. Okay, that was on my end. It was not on beast's and it was not was it on or in? Damn it, this is one of those episodes is on her end. Is it in? It's in. It's definitely in. Right, okay, that's what I thought. So No, it's like we've been revamping a little bit here and there, taking a little break. It's okay to take a break. If you're wondering, it's like, yes, always take a break, you know, there's no reason why you can't take a break and there's no reason why you shouldn't take a break. But through this break and everything, I was doing a lot of streaming on twitch. Okay, I wasn't doing a lot of streaming on twitch. That is total bullshit and beast will point that out. Rai then and there. But Unlucky Day of January thirteen, I became a twitch affiliate, meaning I can get people to subscribe to my channel and everything, and it's been going great. You know, it's like I've already got ten subscribers. It's not a lot. That's not a lot. I'm just starting out on there. I do gaming and improvit comedy. Most of it is comedy. So it is. It's a little harder. It's a little trick here to figure out, you know, the method to get people in. You can get in people but it's harder to get people in. Yeah, that's the one. That's what we're going for. I think that makes sense. Doesn't make sense anyway. So it's like yeah, I was like, I figured that out, and it's been, like I said, it's been really cool. I've done you know,...

...got a like ten awesome subscribers here. You know, it's great. So doing a lot of that. And Yeah, I didn't. I oddly didn't stream that much. I even moved in between. So there was like a total total of two week period that I did absolutely nothing because of the move. Moving is stressful as hell and there was so much to get done. So I didn't do a stream for two weeks and then, boom, when I got back on, I get the letter from twitch. It was like getting the letter from hogwarts. It's like, Oh, you're now. It's which affiliate. Please use this at your own risk, you know. So I signed up right away and everything. People like, well, when did the emost drop and everything. It's like, I do have some moats already. Chill out, we do when I stream and everything. I do a lot of pinball and I like to say the word balls. So right there, this is Mr Pubes I think of him as like the mascot whenever I do pinball and I try to get him into an emote. Right, trying to get him into an emot did not fly, unfortunately, because, you know, right represent something sexual, which is odd because my whole stream is rated ore and it got I can flash that photo up there as much as I want. Mr pubes can join this tream anytime you want. He can't become an emot. He can't become, you know, a jiff, not nothing like that. Unfortunately, I'm not even sure I want to put it on tea public. I don't know how that's going to go, if that's going to work or not. So I want to see if they take it down. But yeah, so there's a lot of hurdles. If in even beasts channel, churches, sploosh just got red. It didn't get taken down, but they started to remove any content talking about, you know, bodily fluids and things like that. I'm like, well, what the Hell...

Right? If you specifically say that your channel is readed, are sorry, I had to fix my boobs. It's all good. If you specifically say that your channel is read, it are, and this is what you were doing. You know, it's not like you're fringing on copyrights or anything. I mean, unless you use someone else's Jizz. I don't know. Is that how that works? I mean it's so weird. Everybody's like, well, just switch to like youtube or something like that, and Youtube has become but a lot of commercials. Back in the day, Youtube used to be straight flat out YouTube. But it's great that because it's up make it. Have I got Dick in my mouth. There's some balls back there. I don't know what's happening, trying to get that out right now, but yeah, it's there's a lot of censorship going on and stuff. I mean they had the platforms that have commercial I'm talking like fucking Porky Pigo rere Jesus right, maybe I should take a damn sup of water. Maybe that'll friggin help. Let's try this, all right, so give me three seconds here. Okay. So, yeah, a lot of the platforms now they are censoring things. I mean you can but whatever you want. I believe on youtube you won't get any like like the commercials and stuff. You can't get paid for that, though, unfortunately. I mean it's not that damn it when did this become about money? It's never been about money. But yes, the platforms, they do have the rules and regulations and things like that. Even though I talked about, you know, Jizz, squirting all that kind of stuff on it on my twitch, for some on some awesome odd reason, cat box comedy is still a float on there. I've no idea, I guess because it's called cat box comedy, like you never know what you're going to get, you know, you never know what's going in one end come out the other. Like that's just how I rolled and I think that's how it should be. I mean, I I don't know, like I think you know, he did. Beast did change the channel to COS,...

...which is standing for Church of SPLOGE, obviously. So there will be some things going around that. I believe in the last podcast that I sent through here, I was like hey, you gotta check out his channel, support him on twitch. I went to go watch it the other day I'm like, what the Hell happened? I was like what happened to beast? It's like no, I took me on this channel because of the splooshing and the squirting and the awesome songs he had on there. Like. I was like, Damn, you know, fuck. That's all I had to say for that. But yes, that's what I've been doing. So it's like again, it's like catch cat box comedy on twitch every Monday's, Wednesdays and Saturdays. We're going to be switching time soon, I believe in April I'm going over to daytime. So even this podcast will be prerecorded and done and ready to be smacked out on all platforms by eight pm on Wednesday, because it's a home day. Damn it. It's like that's why I chose Wednesday, because it had, you know, it's nicknamed the Home Day. And what else is better than during in the middle of the week, then a good home, am I right? So one hump or two right now. I'm definitely supporting two good homes again. Please to please Tann into our youtube channel. Please subscribe to our Youtube Channel. We need to get five hundred before we can get to youtubecom users. Life, beauty and the beast show. So yeah, it's it's been a right you know. Again, beast has been really supportive on that and he continues to support me. I'm going to support him and his endeavors. I'm hoping that we could definitely get back together and do some more like actual like streaming in the studio here. I mean it's not set up right, but we'll make it work. We will make it work all right. We're going to work on some, I guess,...

...animations, more commercials, probably more commercials. We're just going to you know, you some some of the free images. We're going to take images ourselves. is a fantastic photographer. Beasts awesome. So I will pull this out. Will pull this out of our asses in no time. Okay, again, it's like it ready. will do another video again for like Easter. But we'll stick together. It will stick together and do like the normal just voice podcast. For now. I think about, you know, fifteen minutes of me, fifteen minutes of him. I think that's a good time right there. What do you think? Yes, so, yes, we're we're vamping, rebranding a little bit. I'm still doing beauties bits of if anybody that's listening out here, whether your comedian, actor, I don't know, firefighter, professional sex doll, hit me up because I need more people from beauties bits, which comes out every other week from the beauty and the beast show, it's like we're still going to run that. That will be a video, definitely a video interview. I think that works well. That'll be also on our platforms, of you know, like spotify, iheartradio, sound Er FM, Amazon. What else are we on? Damn, we're on a lot of things. Like, let's just say, if you want to start a podcast, go through Sounder FM, because you can link everything up there. I'm talking about there's still like ten platforms that we're not even on yet. So just just think about that. It's like that's that's what I've been doing on my end. I've also been doing a lot of acting online. Right now I'm about to go offline onto a stage get ready for the show. Much Ado about nothing. Yes, it is a Shakespeare show. I can't wait. I can't tell you my role right now because we are in auditions, but I did have three roles prior to Covid so I'm hoping to pick those back up. I really do like them and fell in love with them. But it's okay if I move on to another character, because it's all fun. You know, what the Hell, you know, it doesn't matter what the Hell I am in. That show is long bump part of it. So yes, that's what I've been doing. I've been doing...

...a lot of the carnage returns. We're going to the Burton fringe festival. Check it out. It'll be on my page, I believe. We start may seventh, which is on a Saturday, five PM, Easter. It's like tickets are available. It's really, really cool. It's an awesome show. We were award nominated at the Edinburgh, the Edinboro fringe festival. We're like, what the fuck, how the fuck did that happen? As I first of all for the show, it's like we have no idea, if what the hell's going on half the time. Okay, it was awesome. It's been written by Kim Nash, Michael Monk House and Maggie Levine, and we have like Italy, London, well, England and not sure if it's so lately one anyway, New York. We have. We have people from east coast, so west coast in this thing. It's a pretty awesome past and I still can't believe we got nominated for an award, like Whoa go us. So we did something right, obviously. So we're going to be each oven at the Burton fringe festival may through like June fourth. I think I'll be at like two or three of those ones. I'll make sure to let everyone know. But yeah, that's what I've been up to. I've been doing this and that, getting more into the video edity aspects of things. I've been having to take a break from things because I can't multitask for shit like no, I had to put a hold on a lot of stuff, tons of ideas, nothing, getting done, nothing and knowing nothing. Like I said, it's like I owe an apology the beast. I was like I thought I could do it all. No, I'm going to admit that right here a video. I can't do it all. I can't, I can't. But it's like I've learned to slow down and take everything one task at a time. That's okay. You can write down as many tests and things that want to get done. All right. I don't know why the Hell I'm going in and preaching you know what, fuck this. We need some sploosh time right. So whole my gosh, it's been a while...

...since we actually talked in everything. So end on a couple minutes of comedy here to get you into it. So Damn it. I've been masturbating a lot, like I need a lot, like my fingers term fuckers, like this hand, who looks like I've been swimming for like fucking days, all right, and I was like, Oh man, I've got to even out the score. I'm like, what am I going to do? People are going to be like hey, Christine, what the Hell's wrong with your hands? So I start washing dishes with the other hand right that way, when people are like Hey Christine, is great to see you, what the Hell's wrong with your hands? are like the masturbate and wash dishes, sometimes at the same time, because I am a Squirt, or it saves on water. So let's RECAF if you don't know what Squir or SPLOOSH is, I love saying the words sploosh. Oh my gosh, thank you the show archer, for introducing me to that word, because I will sploosh to the grave. Maybe not, I don't know. That sounds too morbid for me, but I'll paint you pretty little picture with my print Bru or my two little fingers in this case. So imagine the elphins trunk dipping down to the water, coming back up splashing everywhere Yep, that's my vagina. MMM, turns my bed into a water bed. Every time I've got to bring out the wet back it's like, Holy Crap, next time I'll just look it up straight to my vagina. Yes, I think I babbled quite a lot. Quite enough here tonight. We are going to move on to beasts, the segment. He's got some surprises going on. Let's see what the hell's happening in his world, because I have definitely babbled long enough. So up mess. Stay tuned for beast. Hey, everybody, welcome to the beast parts. We have been having technical difficulties on many levels, my friends, not...

...only with the computators and the technology at our disposables, but also with our personal physical well being, or lack of wellbeing at this point. So we just wanted to get on the juice and we wanted to say Yow, thanks for tuning to beauty and the beast show. Y'All. Well, have had such a rough fucking week and and we don't want to drag you down with it, but I gotta tell you we've been finding some old shit. We got a notebook full of stuff and I don't know what's been happening. We've been streaming our little asses off on twitch. Have you seen us there? Probably not, but perhaps you've seen cat box comedy, and every now and then and once in a blue fucking moon, we end up there in the chat and that's that. So we just wanted to hang out with you for a while and once again, oh or a day, and what a week it's been. So one of the things we wanted to do was say audios, farewell and Sian or to the pain killer, officially wish him well. The pain killer plays the wonderful theme song to the beauty and the beast podcast. Then you hear every week if you tune in, and I mean tune in, and you will hear the pain killer. The pain killer is a twenty year old, a guitar Officionado and a virtuoso. So I guess I'll fish inado. It would be a collector of guitars and he's a shredder of guitars, that's for sure. He's on his way to Japan. I'm brought Adam Bushe tailed and wearing his four inch platform. He'll and he is on...

...his way to Japan to go to school, to become a translator and of course he will become a rock and roll legend. Let's face it, I have seen love that mooticon. That's right, that cheap trick. So we're looking through the old notebook. Here's all kinds of crazy stuff in it. Certainly have plenty of twitch stuff planned, oh my goodness, and we have currently have kept up our twenty halvens. Meanwhile, we put it to talk to everybody today. Subject it's near and dear to our heart, and that's the bullshit that men tell women. That's right, we're going to dispense this some of the myths you may have heard about us, but at the same time we are going to throw down some bullshit. And one of the things guys really like to say to a woman or a man, or whoever it is that they're trying to get in the sack with them, is that they want to do it all night. Do It all night. We are going to do it all night now and an effort to help everyone and define this phenomenon known as man's bullshit, we're going to try and figure out how to do it all night. All right, so we're going to do it all night. So we wanted to establish some parameters of all night and the all night in case, in this case, and we're going to try and piece together this puzzle. The all night will be taking place from six PM until...

...six I am, I'm basically, depending on the time of year, from sundown till Sun up the next morning. We got to get it on and we're gonna do it all night. Here we go, from six PM to seven PM. We're going to start with some drinking and some smooth talk. We're going to make good on our promise that we're going to do it all night. And I get a little toasty in the meantime, but not too far in the bag. This is only the very first hour of a twelve hour marathon. We all going to do it all night. So a little drinky Pooh, maybe a little smooth or two, and that is six PM to seven PM. We got that covered. All right. Here we go. If you're just tuning in, we're talking about doing it all night. So seven pm to eight PM is then, is right. It's going to be dinner time. You're going to have at it. You're going to be in the present. All Right, I recommend you put your fucking cell phone away. This is the second hour of your twelve hour doing it all night marathon. So put that cell flown away now. You know, get used to it. You're not going to need it. So seven to a PM, we're having a nice dinner. We're going to be in the present. Maybe hold a little hands, I don't know, but we're not going to really talk about anything about the delicious food we're eating and maybe what we're having for dessert. That is seven pm to eight PM, and we've been doing it all night now, for two hours. And let's keep going, shall we? Yes, let's show APM to nine PM. Here we go. We're going to wait for the alcohol food to settle in a little. You're going to hang in there. Okay, you're not going to fall asleep in...

...the Uber. You are looking for some opportunity, but take your time, stay awake, maybe get some coffee. Eight to nine pm is that time where everything's going to settle down a little. I'm going to ease into that grooving all night, all night part because it is certainly night now. Eight PM to nine PM. It's nine pm now, and now we go nine PM to ten PM. Hang in there as we enter this fourth hour of well, is it the fourth hour. Six to seven is one, seven, eight, s two, eight, nine. Fourth. All right, doing math in my head, it's fucking amazing. Nine to ten, here we go, Netflix and chill. Right, we're not getting too the chill part yet. We're going to chill on the show and you know, we're going to settle in a little and get those shoulder rubs going and try and stretch that out to eleven o'clock if you can. Boys. I mean foot massage, calf massage. Maybe she nods off a bit, he nods off a bit. They not off a bit? It be okay get a little nappy in there before the big event. But here we are. We're somewhere now in the nine till eleven zone. At this is going to be some extra, correctly activities, a kind of want to stay awake and or awake and nappies. Alrighty, because we're getting to that eleven pm till midnight when the cuddling starts between the sheets, getting down to the good stuff, and we are halfway through here, okay, halfway through doing it all night, and that we're just bringing this to you as a public service of beauty and the beast show, and that we hope to enjoy our little podcast thirty second...

...in Sri Lanka with a bullet. We came out three from the last week. Hello, I was motherfuckers in Sri Lanka love this shit and we've got a big fan base growing there. So Hey, once upon a time we might be taking a little tour, who knows, waiting for the next batch of ratings to get in. But it is midnight and we are doing it all night and let's keep it going here. Midnight to one to one am is straight up the whoopee zone. Let's do this, let's get it on, baby. We got one hour. You're going to have to last now. One Hour could be twenty minutes, hardcore, twenty minutes, oral, twenty minutes hardcore again, could be thirty minutes, hardcore, could be ten on, ten off. You got to keep it going and set your pace. But because midnights, one am is when the action is really starting to happen. Getting into the second half of our marathon. Okay, we're getting to the one am to two am zone, where this is perhaps the freshening hour. This is what we propose. Get a little hot shower going, a little bathroom action, some more cuddling, some more rubbing, fog up that mirror and get cleaned up. Guys, all right, brush your teeth, looss. You can do it separately, you can do it together if you're going that way, but just do it. Freshen up because you still have a few hours to go if you're going on do it all, because we're going to try and do it all night. Here we go. We're two am to three am and right now we are night capping, all right,...

...listening to music, recovering a little bit, maybe some anticipation for the three am to four am rebanging. That's right, three mm to four D am. Guys, girls get it on. Three am to four am is the read bagging zone for him. To five am is the snoozing and the awakening. Alrighty, got to get some breakfast on our mind. Might need to clean up again. And five am to six am, right, that is the bout, down and out. Maybe you're, I don't know, super splucy lucky. Get on a third time if you can. Try don't push it too far. Check out the VIBE, but five am to six am could be loved re rebanging zone. If you're a stud like me, that's of course. What's hard in your mind is that third at time. That's right. The third time is the one after one and two different from the first, Cuz we did it in the kitchen that third time after I made you baking. Even that, you said you were a Vagary, and all right, so I had. Do we make it? Do we make it all the way through? Five am to six am, rerebanging, supers, blushy, the part three. You know, don't push it, unless you're pushing it or they're pushing it on you, hopefully, and even if you just get one more mouthful, God damn it, it's probably worth it and totally counts as doing it all night. All right, so that is...

...six PM as seven am. Should we review? Of course, let's show. Six PM to six am is doing it all night. Six PM to seven PM, have a little dinner. I have a little drinky poo and some smooth top. Seven PM, D APM. That's when you have a little dinner. Have about it. Be In the present. Put Away your cell phone. What's for dessert, honey? A PM to nine PM. You no wait for the alcohol and food to settle in. Hanging there, baby, don't fall asleep. In the tuber now. Nine to ten and ten to eleven is the zone where you must try to stay out of heaven, but do a little Netflix and get into the mood, do some shoulder rubs. And then it's time for zero pm to mid night, cuddling in the sheets. That's all right. It starts to get hot, the losion start to come out, the toys perhaps, I don't know. What have you got in the death draw? Midnight to one I m is the whoopee zone. That's right, get it on, get it on, twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off, twenty minutes on, whatever it takes. Get through that hour and power through because you got a dflour a girl or two, or a boy, if you're so inclined. One Am to two am the freshening. The freshening, you know, get a little shower in there, brush your teeth, baby. You've had drinks and dinner and that was hours ago. Two Am, two three am is the night captain. Listen to some music, get into some recovery there, Huh, because you're anticipating that three am to four am rebanging. That's right, three and two, four am is the rebanging for him to five am is the awakening, five am to six am is the breakfast, and perhaps the third time is the deepest is and there you have it. Six PM to six am, doing...

...it all night with the BES. He did it all now. That's right. She said that. In fact, I can't remember in passing, and that this is a biography show. I recall many strange ways of women in Maloive have told me to fuck off, one of which was it takes you too long. It takes me too long. It took me too long. So how long is too long? CHEEZ LOUISE? Everyone is different, I suppose. So I can go good and then take a little rescue, have some orange juice and get back on that train and the just in passing. I hope that that helped you. Whatever it was we talked about, I can't even remember. So tune in next time for beauty and the beast show. This is little beast blurts, like the sign says, and GE saved the whole show to do a wacky voice. Or did? I ain't really can't fuck him remember. Fifteen minutes into it, and as Boum, what is this beauty in the beach show anyway? Talk to you soon. If not, you've already tuned out because the beauty went first day. Get Easy. I hope I did that right. Out Takes I'm like out takes with last boob adjustment of the night. And there we go. I'm Christy Nolton and I have been beauty wwwcom.

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