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Beauty and the Beast
Beauty and the Beast

Episode 43 · 4 months ago

Beauty and the Beast S3:E1 - We're Back!!!

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Beauty and the Beast S3E1 - We're Back!!! Welcome to the Beauty and the Beast Show! Beauty and the Beast is a show with comedian, Kristine Knowlton (Beauty) and comedian Mark Hills (Beast) coming together to make and create a show about nothing and everything in between! Please sit back and enjoy some of their best comedic diarrhea! Disclaimer: For best results play the whole show backwards with the sound completely turned off.

Feel free to drop them some hate mail at beautyandthebeastshow69@gmail.com

Find Us: www.beautyandthebeastshow.com

Coming to you almost live from lakeside. Hello, hello, and welcome to season three, episode one of the beauty and the beast show. That's right, be you're back. I'm Christine Nolton, Aka the queenest blush, and I will be your host for this part of the show. And remember, for best results, to play the whole show backwards with the sound completely turned off. Yes, that is the best way to hear this and sometimes to view it, because what we put out there on youtube scares chickens. Anyway, I just want to start off by saying beast is the best. He's very, very supportive. He's very, very creative. Also, he does amazing videos those and now he's streaming on twitch at the Church of SPLOOSH. I believe he'd check them out there every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, but check the schedule. I could be wrong. I'm also on there a cat box comedy on Monday's, Wednesdays and Saturdays. CHECK US out. Yes, we are doing a lot of our own things, but we have come back to this. We have come back to the beauty in the beast show. Why? Because it's fantastic and our fans want it. Now, beast says like no, no, no, beauty. They always come here for you. It's you they want to hear, it's you they want to see. It's like no way, man. It's like I wouldn't be I wouldn't be beauty without the beast. It's like you can't have that, you know. It's like hell, no, it's like you're just as much as part of this as I am. So sometimes I feel like the jerk because I need to be more freaking supportive so that we are going to work on damn it. Yeah, like I said, damn it's like support one another. Yes, all right. So I just wanted to say beast is the best. All right. So, welcome to the year of the go and by Goo we mean sploosh, that warm womanly goodness flowing from the g spot all the way to your heart. Yes, I love that spoosh. So some of you out there are thinking, are asking yourselves, what the Hell is splosh? And, in a way, to put it, splush is just female ejaculation. That's all it is. It's amazing, it's warm, it's wet, it's soft, it's good for the skin, unlike seamen that comes out, it gets sticky, it gets hard. You know what, although I do have to say that seamen gives you way more protein than splosh like. If you think about it, seemen is full of protein or it splush is kind of like like fruit to Ah, if you will. It's water with no calories. Sperm does have some calories. So you're going to want to watch that, ladies or men or men, we've got to watch that intake. But if we are about to go into another war, you're definitely one to go to have your definitely want to go on it. Okay, there we go. That's a new one right there. I'm not perfect. I know beast likes to edit his portion of the podcast and I'm like, fuck...

...it, I'm just rolling with it. Screw it, screw it, even when I go off track like now. Yes, so, yes, if we are headed toward another war, you're going to want to get some seamen because things are about to rise up and prices and you could also make Dick's rise up and get your seemen, get your protein. Damn it, find a Dick, get some protein. It's all good, because anyway that stuff is so damn expensive at the store. Like whoop, dropping all that money on a can of protein which you make maybe two shakes out of, than its its in the cabinet and expires, you know, sixty dollars right in the cabinet, right there. Get it from a friend, get it from someone you love, just get it, all right. So, yes, and also splush. I'll give you another little example of what the Hell splush is. Some people think it's urine. It's not. That's a big fucking myth. Okay, sometimes you can urine while you sploosh. All right, that happens. The best thing is is to go before, you know, being sexual, masturbating, like I've definitely mastered masturbation, especially during the pandemic does it was only safe to pretty much fuck myself. So that's where that goes. Okay, so back on the sploshing. Okay, damn my life. I have a I have a whole schedule, like right out in front of me and, believe me, the past five minutes has been none of that. It's been great. I don't know why I write stuff down. So again, back to getting back to getting back to getting back to what the Hell splush is. Let me paint you pretty little picture with my paint brush, or my two fingers in this case. So imagine an elephants trunk, dipping it down into some nice warm water. He brings his trunk up and he sprays it everywhere. Well, that's my vagina. Yep, just warm wootery goodness everywhere. I said woottery. That didn't sound right. Just say warm womanly goodness. There we go, warm womanly goodness. Okay, that is what sploosh is. All right, yes, but I also realized something too. No more tarps for me. Tarps are pain in the ASS. I mean, yes, it does catch it when it falls down, but I'm still hitting the TV, the walls. I mean it's being a pain in the ASS. I was like, you know what, I need something that's all rubber all around. And I know what you're thinking, Bouncy House. Bouncy house would be awesome. That's what I need. WATTLE wall rubber in a house or castle form either. One Little Mesh on the windows. I was thinking like all plasticy, but then I might smother or might die or something. I don't know. That would be another fetish for another time, but I was thinking something like that is exactly what I need, just something like that. But I fear like if I started doing that and then I started to bounce or something, I would look like one of those out of control fire hoses. It would be totally insane. It's like, oh my gosh, talk about sploosh everywhere are. It gets flush in your eye, but that's okay. You can get splush in your eye. That Shit doesn't burn like seamen, so we're good on that. So anyway, it's like the way I splush like it. It comes out like a freaking fire hydring. I mean, in fact, the Fire Department contacted me about running out my vagina. That part's not true, but now what the hell goes with the story? So anyway, now for a little commercial break. Those are twats hang low. Does it wobble to and through? Can you...

...tie it hitting knock? Can you tie it into boo? Can you toss it over your shoulder like a continental soldier? Those your Twat hang though. Well, if you'RE TAT hangs low. Boy, if we've got something for you, that's right. You are listeners, whether your male or female. He goes are right for everyone. That's right, even men, and the men you know who you are because your balls have dipped into that cold toilet water. Yep, that's right, we've got a tighten that twater. So grab your favorite seat and just start doing some dead pushes. Like, yes, like, my vagina is so freaking strong and tight like first I've almost went back to making myself a virgin. Keep you all yourself into a virgin. That's one good thing. But yes, it's like it can lift my entire freaking body, and I am no skinny Spring Shit in hell. No, hell, no. And guys, everyone wants some tight balls. If you want your ball sucked, get them tightened up. All right, that was some fun with keegels. Am I right? I'm right. Yes, get down there, do it, but always remember keg in the front, never in the back. If you Hel the back door shut, you're going to have a bad time. So I've written a little poem here. You got to get a little poetic? Yes, why not? By the Hell Lot. All Right, here we go. Hey We go, nice little poet. To sploosh or not to sploosh? That is the question. Whether it's his no blue in the mind to sploosh this slings and arrows, and by arrows we mean cocks of outrageous fortune, or to take dildos against the Sea of troubles, meaning there's going to be a shitload of sploosh coming. And by opposing and then to sploosh, to sploosh again, guess more. And by sploosh to say we end the heart ache and the thousand natural shocks. Damn, that was one hell of a vibrator. If you were getting shocked by your vibrator, it might be time to get a new one. Look into that mm just look into that. That flesh is to hair, to Tis con consummation of SPLOOSH, the moochery to be wished, to sploosh, to sploosh again, to sploosh, perchance to dream. Aye, there's the rub of the clits. or in that sploosh of death, wet dreams may come. I don't know. If you kill splush boat, what the hell will give it a damn dry when we have shuffled off this mortal coil. That's when held Adldo also coil must give us sploosh. There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life live long and forever. SPLOOSH. For who would bear the whips and chains of time or in the bedroom by oppressor's blush. The proud splush cometh and overflow the pangs of the love of splosh. The law's delayed or to be laid at this point, the insolids of which sheets and the never for ending laundry that patient merit of Thine Worthy takes...

...when she herself might make her sploshes, make with a bare bog king. Well, yeah, doing it naked would be good, because there's that whole laundry situation going on. Who would fardell's bear to runt and sweat under a weary life? But that the dread of something after sploosh. Yet again it's laundry, Duh, the undiscovered country from WHO's born by the g spot shall be wet by the g spot. Go traveler returns, puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills. We have this splush to others that we know, not of sploushes for everyone. This conscious though makes sploshers are of us all, and thus the native Hue of resolution is sickly and over the padcast of thought and wet with a thousand sploshes and enterprises of great pith and Mirth. Were Pith and moment I said Pith, not piss. That's a damn other thing. Will the showers maybe later. With this regard, the currents of magnificence plush turn awry and lose the name of action as sploosh flows and floes forever more. To sploosh or not to sploosh? That is the question. Yeah, see it like I like to make up poems and things like that. I mean, why can't we have more poems about sploosh? You know, we definitely need more songs about sploosh, and if you're listening to this, you will be get to hearing the beast very, very shortly, and he's got some new amazing songs that he is written. Yep, hell yeah, yes, we are back. We are back, we are back, we are front. I'm going first time hosting this first part. Yes, I like it in front. Beast like sit in the back sometimes, something that will say sometimes anyway. Yes, just let Everyone Know Christine Nolton, Aka the queen of splush, is available for Bachelor Atte and Bachelor parties and seeing it strip clubs and bur less shows. Yes, that is a thing. Yes, as I mentioned before, or probably in previous podcast, I used to do comedy at a Strip club that is correct, and that is well before this current season of the Marvelous Mrs Masal now that she's at the burlesque club. It does make me miss that Strip club. Oh how I miss that Strip club. That is where I got my first wet floor sign. Could you imagine being more juicier than the strippers? Like, I mean my my sploosh would flow and flow like buckets. This sploosh. It reminds me of the commercial that beasts and I did. Don't worry, you'll get to see it again and trust me, it'll be popping back up and one of our video podcast right now. I was like just like, let's do this, like let's get back on the horse and do it. I mean, after all, courses are great for vibrations and they'll make you sploosh to and I don't know where I was going for this, but now and then makes me think of courses and donkeys and donkeys shows and damn it, I want to see one of those live one day. Ever since I saw them moving back the party when I was a kid, that got me turned on, and then seeing it in clerks to it's like yes, I want a donkey show. So if anybody out there is listening that can provide beauty with a donkey show. Email me at beauty and the beast show sixty...

...nine at GMAILCOM. Tell Yeah, and always remember, remember to check out our website. It's like we are up there. All of our current podcaster up there. We are there. Damn it. Okay, so check us out on our website. That's wwwe that the the, the, that's all, folks. Damn, let's try that again. Right Fivezero years from now, I'll people spit out our website. See, that's the problem. I swallow. I don't a bit. That's why I get messed up here. So, yes, our website is www dot beauty and the beast showcom. Subscribe to us on Youtube, Sound Er FM, spotify, itunes, Amazon music and I heart radio. If you like this, what the ill I do? And add brain for okay. If you like to hear our podcast on your favorite platform, please again drop us a line at beauty in the beast show sixty nine at gmailcom. Hell, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. So yes, go out and find us and bred us, tell us that you love us, drop us some hate mail, because just stick around for a few minutes, longer. I've just got a few more things to say and then the beast. He's back. He's amazing, he's incredible, he's creative, he's damn it, he's everything I wish I could be. But I've a little prayer here, so let's let's get this going really quickly. Yeah, I said a prayer, Damn it. Get on your knees, all right, get on your knees and get ready for some sploosh. Hell, yeah, I was just waiting for another moment, or so. I thought I had something else to say. I think I do. I guess I'll pull a couple of other little things before the last little moment that I have here on this earth, I mean podcast. I'm an ASS. I am such an ASS. Now join us be streams on twitch. Is Channel is the Church of splush. So if you like what you've heard here, with the sploshing and everything, go check out his channel. There's movies, there's cartoons, there's games, there's barbies and hot tubs, there's music, that same music. I probably did. I can't fucking remember five seconds that I said from a go. Now I'm talking like Yoda. Okay, I'm talking like you do. He'll. So. Yes, check out the Church of splosh on twitch. Also, check out catbox comedy on twitch every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. Just check it out. Damn it. And again, beast is the best. Damn it, I'm putting that out there. I'm saying it everyone again. I can't stop saying that or stressing that enough, like Dan. All right, so, as I promised, here will end with something called the splosh's prayer from the book of the Brook. Okay, the Brook. Well, maybe it could be the work of splush. That would make sense. And you work a splush, then you need at blush canoe. Okay, I get this. I think I knew where I'm going. I think I know where I'm going. No, I don't. I'm just babbling because, damn it, life is full of splush and it's almost time for me to go, master baby. So again here we go, the SPLOOSH's prayer from the book of Splush, Number Sixty Nine, art spot which aren't near our clay. SPLOOSH, be thy name, thy kingdom come, and so will I. That will be done in cheats, as it is on bed. So give us this day our daily splush, and forgive us when we cannot come as we forgive our sploosh and leadas fully into temptation. But deliver us from evil which is short circuiting our TV, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever sploosh.

Amen. All right, and that is my time here. So you're going to want to kick back and want to get a drink, you're going to want to go to the bathroom, you're going to want to do all that stuff and get ready, get ready, and now I present to you beast. Take it away, beast. Oh, hello and welcome back. This is beauty and the beast show. This is the beast parts, like the sign says, and we want to thank everyone who's tuning in and everyone who supports us. And I'm sorry, I know why you're here. It's not because of me, but that's okay. I'm going to tag along. I'm going to ride on the queen of sploush's coat tails, so to speak, because she's got some lovely cotails. You know, it's true. The beast and beauty on the air upgain. So grab a snack and tell the phony of friends baby if it's so good. Sometimes I think she's gonna, but you don't know if she should. The beast and beauty won. Lovely pair, my testy girls and awesome dairy air hut chest. It go so bag right. You know you want to rub them in the Pale Moonlight. Wait a minute, this is the Kazoo part the beast and beauty and the bird has a word. This verse is different and this verse is the third. You want the post, but I will take the lease gap. Beauty, have to list to the please. Oh Man, I feel bad for you. All right, yes, hello, well, beast is back and front to but enough about me already. We're here for you, you selfish PREX now wait, you're here for the beauty part of the show or you're not even listening at all, because the beauty part of the show went first and you've already tuned out. So what is your situation please? Hey, is you may have heard. We are beauty in the beast show, and here we go. This is an official relaunch of our podcast. Last week was soft launch with the new edition of Beauties Bits. If you haven't tuned any should listen to that shit for sure, but this is the new shit this week. Welcome to March welcome to March. Comes in like a line, goes out like a land, comes in like a lamb, goes out like a line, in and out, lands and lines. What do you know about that? Let's sing some more about beauty. That's the reason you're...

...here. The Queen's blush is what they call her from far. Okay, here we go. All the day she was born, all the nurse is all gathered round and the east. That the ide wonder of the show, the good found. Hey, I'm sorry if I am. I breaking a little elvins every now and it's just because I'm known as the worst Elvis impersonator in the world, so I got to make the most of that. Where was I? So she was born. Remember that. I was just a few senses a better f because I barely hit no. Spoke up. She said, leave this one abound. Can't you see? She's been born in as pollution zone. By the push blue, booloo. Shit is blues, Buzz Blulu. This could use a little cursue here. It was like a poor man's vote corner there. Yeah, we're we're do do, let's wear this child was born zone. I think I'll get sill. You know, any boy you know anymore. When you got it, you got a change the key guard, everybody. Hey like to thank my intern, Joe or not? Changing the key guard. And she's loosed in the hall. Just fucking wrote it, all right, don't hassle me. Kids these days, ass is bluest in the hot and it's loosed down the wall and she's bloosed in the wall and she's blues do on the Mall Shit, she's blushed on the dog. Baby. Why had dad played the bill? She's the taxi got home, baby, the Jacksie drives through, because I got it all on video and you got a million hits the next day and she was bown in his post zone. That's polutions as US push. That's blues, the CEO Andy Zone. The bone, the bone. That's all that tell the telephone. I told you to turn the ringer off. Hello, yes, who is this? Aaron spelling? Hey, the Aaron spelling of my fund...

...says your name is scam likely. How are you, Mr Likeley? I'm sorry, Mr Spelling, you know you're one of my biggest fans. You called me all the time, but I am in the middle of doing something and was supposed to turn the phone off. What a domain name? You want to sell me? The main name? Oh Oh, did I just buy a domain name while yeah, Whyn't you say? So, what about it? Look, I buy domain names all the time, build websites and then burn them down at midnight. What's it to you? What's The doname name? What is the domain name I just purchased? HMM, okay, so you're calling me about the domine name I just bought, but you don't know which one and you want me to tell you which I okay, hell that, I have to get the list held up. All right, all right, thanks, I'm glad you let the phone okay. Are you ready? Yeah, all right, this is the last one I bought, so it's hot off the press. All Right, it's guilt DONKEYCOM. Yeah, guilt donkey. That's Jeaz insurraff I is an Iei Ella's and love, because if you ain't doing it for love, what are you doing it for them? Mr Spelling, you're from Hollywood, do you know? And F is for after fuck. It still with me? What? Of course you're still with me. Okay, so, guilt donkeycom. You know, donkey, like in donkey girlf donkey we're why, launching the weekend. Yeah, were latching over the weekend. If you'd like a subscription, I could sell you one. What what does this mean? Guilt Donkey, you know, like a grandma, a grandma I'd like to fuck, and a donkey doesn't take a rocket sideist, Mr Spelling. What would I well, would I fuck my grandma? No, but probably yours in a heartbeat. I've seen her in those bollywood smooth jazz videos. I just love those. No, not my grandma paw, yours. Okay, minstead. Anyway, I'm not into that. But bagging your new biogramny, with all the I paint and the Little Disney princess costume, that's a whole nother story. Yeah, you have a nice day to okay, and gone, Mara, to say that right. Hello, hello, well, they have got so. Where were we? Okay, well, we're back circling the planet again, checking in. Wonder. What's on a everybody's mind these days? Of course, on on my mind is the beauty might as will sing another song, or don't you think you? I love you through through, love you since in Grammar School when we were stiff thing blue. Oh Beauty, I love you and I don't know what world I'm gonna do about it, but Paul, give me a little smoother on the WAA host a beauty. I love you, the...

...only love I had. I hope you will forgive me to you for Punching Your Dad Pole. Beauty. I love you for the baby, and I don't know one world I'm gonna do about it. What Huh? Much better it's up here. I remember. I remember, I can remember. I remember the junior from and I remember. I remember the day, the day I broke your father's on. I remember. I remember all the love we share, all the love we share caree place and everywhere, whoever, ever, beauty, beauty, I love it. I love your mother and more stare. It's done because you father, their phones, the liquor store and a beauty. I love you whirl'm gonna do about it? Well, to broke. So that's what's on my mind. What's on everyone else's mind these days? Is it the war in the Ukraine? No, no. Is it the economy? No, Sire. Is it crypto currency? No, it's wordal. That's right, motherfucking wortle as taking the nation by storm. I am merely thought that this was some kind of self inflicted Iq test that people were going to take each day, or, I don't know, some kind of psycheve out, like some words just come to him and then bang, others elude them. HMM. And right away. I just see people posting their scores and they're happy, little yellow and green boxes, oh like Bingo. But wait, Johnny's only got some yellow squares and oh no, he just posted. He feels down right illiterate. Hey, it's true, wortle, and we all of course need that in our fucking eyes, don't we? And I said an don't play word'll play superato pets, also known as a rampaging murder beasts, were cute little animals. Bash heads in the forest. I knowbliterate each other. Does world have that? No, it's wortle. whirtle. Doesn't even care who I am. It's just wortle and wordles kind and world's helping me to exercise my brain. WORTLE, wortll wortle. And now it turns out it's rife with tracking software. Boys, so burned down the wortle. What else is on everyone's mind? Maybe Boba fette riding a rank or beast. Do you spoiler? Alert, spoiler alert. Oh wait, just supposed to say that before the spoiler. Huh? Anyone? Nobody. Well, I don't even know what that fucking is. Okay, so what else is new? Oh Yeah, you need the best, stole the time. What's wrong with me? Let me tune in and see free lunch for everyone who subscribes. But you got to come here and get it. You gotta come to be at the whole Atlantic sit in a Jersey home of the Wayn knows Bloos, all those blues, since we just kind...

...of just kind of riffing around here, trying to get our feet wetting. A. Oh yeah, well, weather outside, it was frightful. Oh yeah, but hus blue was so delightfull. WHOA. And since we no place do you go? Let it flow, and it flow at its flow. Well, it didn't show any sign of stopping, and my dear mind, nuts were popping. Las June alway down low. She let it flow, let it flow, she let it flow. All right, I'll just have been crossed me m I find the the blog that will be soaking your spluecy to lie, and we're gonna need lots of pounds. Very bow we are kissing good night. Where you splush in was really something and your kids. It was terrupted and you soaked me from it. To show. Let it flow, let it flow and it flow. I don't know why I tried to play a guitar that and fucking a look at that song, but I do have the Kazoo. Let it flow, let it flow. So we're just going through the bits and pieces, the flotsom and jets of a life this spent and the kind of comedic diar rear you've come to love and expect from me. That's right, from you and me. EWWW SHOWCOM.

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