ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Beauty and the Beast: Beauty's Bits S1E1 - Adam Coonen.
Follow Adam on Instagram @adamcoonen
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Episode · 2 years ago
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Episode · 2 years ago
S1E1 Beauty's Bits with Adam Coonen
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Beauty and the Beast: Beauty's Bits S1E1 - Adam Coonen.
Follow Adam on Instagram @adamcoonen
iTunes | Spotify | SounderFm
Hello everyone, and welcome to the beauty and the beast show. This is the new bit that we have. It's entitled Beauties Bits. That's what a being, not with the tea. If you want the tea, you have to check out my only fans. But today we have a special guest for you. We Have Rad Dad, amazing comedian, Adam cooning. Hey, everybody, Christine, real quick. What's The u? Only fans, I'm just for some friends. That's why I ask for a couple of friends. Okay, moving on, drop that mink. We will do as I as Christine said, I am a new father. Could be pretty stressful. Turns out I actually got my wife pregnant the same month I started doing stand up. So clearly have to work on my timing, work on she told me. She told me we was all worried about money, just like well, you know, it's going to be helpful. I'm getting a big bonus about threezero right about when the baby comes, which was awesome because that was the most cocaine I've ever had in my entire life and now it's gone. I shared with the baby. Don't worry. One of the tough things about me for being a dad too is I have depression, which makes everything harder. I went to the doctor because I want to know if I had the kind of depression where there's a chemical and balance in your brain, or if I was just fat and bad at everything. That made me sad. I told me, you know, have you ever had any suicidal thoughts? Well, yeah, maybe, but luckily I have a crippling feeler. Fear a failure, so kind of works itself out. He told me, you know, hey, maybe try to like watch something uplifting. You know, two things to make yourself feel better. So my wife and I watched Mary poppins, and the whole time I'm just thinking, what a bitch, you kidding me? He's a magical flying which lady who's sole purposes to help children, and where does she go in one thousand, nine hundred and ten upper class London, literally the best place those kids still had one living parent. It's not like there aren't starting Siberian children who can use a spoonful of sugar, maybe just a medicine. It made me feel a little bit better too, because I kid was like eleven and World War Two was about six or seven years. World War One, excuse me, was about six or seven years down the line. So you know, you probably died anyway. So I was feeling pretty down at work a couple of months ago and so I decided to Google how much for a hand job and a massage parlor. Now, I'm not weird or anything. I didn't want to go get a hand job. It's in it's fifty dollars, because you're wondering five two dollars for handout and I didn't want to get a hand jut I just was thinking maybe I should open a massage parlor and start giving hand jobs for it really seemed like economical thing for me. I did the math. If I jerk ten dicks a day, five days a week, three hundred sixty five days a year, it's about a hundred thirty thousand dollars a year just pure profit, very little overhead. I don't have any employees. Really seemed like the move, you know. Plus, I've got about twenty years of Experience Jerking Dick. So, you know, put that on my resume. What you know? They say do what you love and you never work a day in your life. You know, I and I've had a lot of shitty jobs in my life. I was. I've worked maintenance, I was a shorter or chef, dishwasher, I was a painter, I worked on maiden screws. I said my worst job ever is I worked for a year. I worked in a plastic Palette factory. It was terrible, just loud and smell bad and occasionally big hunks of plastic like spew out of the machine and land on you like...
Molten Plastic, and you can't like wipe it off because it would just like spread and burn you more, and so you just kind of have to like to sort of take it honestly. Come seems better. That seems easier to do with. You just wipe it off, move on with your life. Maybe there's a little emotional scarring, nothing beyond that. I would like to run my hand job shop a lot like the factory now, just like so around, everybody shift meeting. All right, assholes taking easy on the loop. Suppliers Been Dickering US around, so we're gonna have to make this last. Ocean's coming in for an expects inspection pretty soon here, so remember your knees. Now we are back it. Bill, I've told you a hundred times. Cut The balls. All right, this is an efficiency shop here. I cut those balls. Throw a Pinky in the back end. Come on, well, I think it''s girls, but I'm a new father. I've got a family to think about. Might be the important might be the financial move for me to make. All Right, wow, thank you very much. I've Been Adam coon and checked me out on instagram and all those other things that people do socially. Awesome, Anna, I love your comedy. Hell, that what I love it. I love it's great. It's great to have you here. It's it's fantastic. The Fun thing about that last bit is that actually came from an argument I had with both my wife and one of my friends. Were because I was bitching about my job and I it was just an office job and I was complaining about I was like, you know, I can just prostitute myself for way more money and work like half their time, and they're both like it. It's like, did you shave sex workers? Sex workers work, fuck you. They do with their hard they're down on their knees all the time. It's you know it well, that's the thing. When I was when I was a painter and a maintenance man, they would sell neepads, right, so because you were like spend so much time like grouting and like just like taping banisters for you know what I mean, like doing stuff on your knees. So they had guys would just wear kneepads. Like. I just feel like these worlds could really collide, and a lot of convenient ways, you know what I mean. They each have a little bit to offer the other one. Correct, they could definitely, I mean that's during these covid times that we're going to have to create some new jobs, you know. You know, whether it's hand jobs, load jobs, you know, and to make the money in support somehow right our armpit jobs, foot jobs. I mean there's a there's a lot of different jobs there. It's your verse Mark Exactly, Boom Jobs, you know, it's funny. That's it's actually even more differs. There's multiple types of book jobs that you can have actually and get, and it's like reduction inflation, you know, it's all there inside. Put in one of those pumps. You know, and I don't mean to shame anyone one where the other speaking of boot jobs, but I personally I don't. You know, if that's where you decide to go and get your an augmentation and to the how do you say, Christina, chesticles? Yeah, it's jestice. If you decided to get a chestical enhancement, that's fine. You know, no judgment. I personally you could tell they look like they look like water balloons. You know what I mean, when you like tie off a water balloon and kind of just like yeah, it's Weirds, the shape and the like. Some of them they look like they're like pulling the skin forward and it's just like, dude, like what is going on there? You know, like should I get a tournique and pop that thing? Or someone like big zits eating? Yeah, and they'll have those like kind of weird like wavy folds on them someplace where it like it looks like those things,...
...like like a whoopee cushion, right, like how a whoopee cushion has those folds in there on the end of that? No, no, it's not how hits are supposed to work. And you know what, now I feel bad. Let's not put to it's no box. Let's just keep them where they are. Let's just people can draw their own conclusions, you know, for the real are you for the fake? Even watching movies, like my fiance and I, of course, I'm a breast woman. You know, anything, the actual is great, but then we're like those are Oh no, that's just scary right there now. No, well, that's the tricky thing is it seems like it's way harder to tell with clothes on right. So, like you can't really see like he's if it's like a Hollywood actress or something like that. You know whether they're real or fake. You know, they're all encased in a bra or whatever, like an address or whatever. Super just like yeah, nice figure, like what are you gonna do? You know? I mean there's no there's no way to tell, but I think I watch a lot of naked movies. So yeah, yeah, that's why that's yeah, yeah, not me. Never, not a day in my life since I was thirteen. Like when they have to do it, you know, sex scenes and everything, they do have the prosthetics that they get done and meet up. So it's not actually it's not actually then that you're seeing. It's actually a full on Brestplate, you know. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy, but yeah, I couldn't imagine doing that, you know, in Hollywood or whatever. I'd be like no, I'm gonna hang on real quick. I want to email Halle Berry and tyler. I want my money from swordfish back. Just comes comes the time. It's like, nope, not doing it gets over. I just I just admitted a lot about myself. It's like, well, the first set of Hollywood naked tits that popped into his mind was Halle Berry. It's true. It's like I'm welcome to welcome to our confessions around. It's great. It's so, how's two thousand and twenty one treating you? It's been good so far. I'm I'm off the sauce. It's time being nice. I joke with my friends I'm probably gonna go to three months. I just want to lose weight, really, like, because this is a problem, and I shouldn't say this because I am a new father, but I kind of like being alcohol like I enjoy it right, and people are like want moren't you, Ford, you're going to look bad in front of people, like well, aren't you supposed to not care what other people think? Anyway? You know anything. So, but honestly, like I I always equate my alcoholism to like full blown alcoholics are like a house fire. You like you got to call the fire department and get everybody out. It's a big thing. I'm like a grease fire. When I were like who crab, somebody grab, you know, I just got occasionally, just got to grab the baking soda, throwing all over everything until everything out, and then after a little while we'd start cooking again, you know, because I've never been like off the wall, you know. So, yeah, that's going on. It's been four whole days. That's good. Yeah, well, but again, it's not like I'm not like I wasn't like an everyday drinker or whatever. I just like when I drink, as Christine knows from quite a few late night red Mike's. Yes, when you drink, you can't roast, for Shit, that's not true. Actually, it's when I drink too much. I can't please drink too much. All right, every no, no, it's fine. Every almost every time I've like, quote unquote, gotten roasty and one of those mics. That's I was drinking right. It was just you drink too much one time and I was just like, Oh, you can't roast me drinks. No, I'm great at roasting when I drink. It's just there's like balance to me. Yeah, in your balance was like here and...
...then it would yeah, yeah, well, and I also forgot to that I was going like fifteen or whatever, like eighteen. So you gotta, I gotta PACER SIF that Balance Right between drinking too much to roast and not drinking enough to roast. I think a Buddhism they call that the Middle Path. Yeah, that's where Buddha talks about it specifically. If I remember that, it's true, I I go ahead. I'm sorry. I actually haven't had a drink in I want to say, since about June. Like you will see me here with this red goblet thing that I have that I use for rentfare, but most of the time I'll just have like apple juice or like juicy juice in there, you know, just to belong to the crowd, like okay, we're going to be drinking, you know we're not. You know. So I'm like, I'm I think today probably if I had a beer, I'd be like pass out on the floor. Yeah, this is good as that was my wife, basically, because I used to get I forget the name of this beer or whatever, but it was like eight point five percent or something like. It was you know it was a stout, or well the stout stout, but any strong stuff. Yeah, and one night, you know, because my wife, you know, she stopped drinking and she got pregnant and then she wasn't really like into drinking the first like, you know, five six months that our son was born or whatever. And again, I you know, maybe once a week. I would like kind of Tiewana. But like so we're sitting down, we're watching some movie and she drank like half a beer and like put her hand on me and it's like who, I think I've done? Oh my God, who are lightweight down? But yeah, it's my problem. See, my problem is, like I love being fucked up, like just in whatever context. Like I like I always think, like you just mentioned renaissance fairs. I love reniff sounds fairs. They're fantastic. They're even better when you're drunk, not wasted, just got a good buzz going, having a good time. The last time I was her rent fair, I heckled one of the nights because he but like I didn't heck him like I do this thing sometimes called anti roasting, where you just compliment someone so ridiculously that it's funny it's really I really like it. But basically I kept tell it like you would ride by and I'd be like I want to have your babies and like you have the hair of a god, like you were carved out of marble, like stuff like that, and like I the whole section line was a good time. Probably would have done it without this whatever. Five goblets, like you sound familiaris like that guy at every unfair, I know right. It's like wow, I know. Like during the day, like we would have, like I work with the New Jersey Renaissance Fair, so we would have like two jaws. Like the first one is like just the gaming jaws, you know, whatever, see the pretty horse, he's you know, they collect the loops and stuff like that, and I'll be like out like on the dies. I'm like what the hell do we do out here? They're like just wave her handkerchief and like cheer for whoever you want, because we have no it's like there's no script, just gonna Really Knowing Nice. So it's like our unfair have harp girls. I went to the Maryland. It was like it was like a band of harp playing girls in like Pixie costumes or whatever. They captured by her. That's all. All I'm saying is just like here, I might have left my life for them like this. What about like a weed to the magical forest? That all right, I believe I have seen those. I think I've seen that that group, either at the Pennsylvania Renaissance Fair, sure, possibly even the Connecticut one. It's like yes, amazing music, like you just you can sit there and like just grab a beer and just like watch them all damn day. Like Dude, yeah, like, yeah, I found my thing. I found that whole...
...like Fulky, like Improv thing that they have going on. But like what harps or whatever? I don't know, I love it was very badass. It was very bad. And then they had like the braids going on and like I I'm so like fashion stupid that I have no I like picture of what they were wearing in my head, but I have no words to describe it. Like I don't have the vocabulary. It was like leather straps and like dresses and some sort of white top thing going. I don't know. It basically, like if they were, in fact, what else, trying to enchant me to run off with the forest, I would have done it. I probably the out of they up. You got me. I have a note that I have no willpower. What happens at the Ren Farisees at the wren fair, and so you've been there too long and then you start talking about it on the podcast. That's when I think it made away enough to keep secrets, I think. Oh, I'm intrigued now. Okay, for those of you just listening, I'm currently manaically putting my fingers together like like, who, like a villain. You gotta, you gotta give me a story. Then you gotta give me a great run. Rent Sounds Fair like party story, because I hear the get pretty wild when the yeah, I would say a party story. Okay, so I was just going at run fairs at a time before I was working at I'm not going to mention the fair's name or anything, but there's this husband and wife couple and they usually, you know, steak out someone that year, and that you're happened to be me. So you know, every weekend, you know we would meet up at the gates and you know, he would have scored us around the fair. We would go shopping everything, you know, have fun. He'd get us roses and you know, beer and, you know, important things and sounds like. So one time it was through the whole season. We're sitting down the finale. That's where everybody gathers at the end of the day and, you know, the storyline comes together and everybody singing and having a good time, throwing kids up into the air. You know, that whole thing. So we're sitting on the bench and I was wearing like the hoop skirt at the time and you know, it's like kind of start going a little bit underneath and you know there's lots of stuff that you do in those hoop skirts and his wife had this awesome dragon that was like laying on her cleavage, but I didn't know but when you lifted it out, on the other side of that was a penis. It's sold. Now it's like, dude, that was awesome. So it's like she starts using that on herself. I'm on his lap at this point, like in mid public, with everybody around us, and we started doing some stuff. You know, it's like we're giving wood a whole new meaning and we's my baby outside interests. Frank you can't hear. Cover your ears, Little Franks, I cover your ears okay, what's the kitty cats talking about? Porn? Yeah, yeah, so's she gets it out, you know, she's going on herself. Then she's got like her hand like down, you know, down under where everything else is going on. And like we're like literally having this threesome. And then my friend who is in the fairly she comes around. She's like what the hell are you to do it? And then I took I just grabbed her by the waist. Just shoot, hold me down so it looks like we're doing anything, and then my hand slipped into her skirt. So we have a foursome going on. Meanwhile my friend jewels, is like dude in public. Yes, yeah, yes, that was my adult that fuck it. Yeah, I'm friend of mine like a while ago, like yeah, he told me like rent first. We're basically like he was like it's basically like a Judas priest concert or whatever. But like I put in medieval close, you know what I mean, like it's something, it's or like whatever, like botter or something like. It's just like it gets nuts. I would have known. Would have had no idea. You learn something new every day. It's so much fun. It's there's like an adult level and a kids level. You know, it's like you just have some fun...
...there. I would like to level up. I've had a level go up me, but yeah, yeah, man, I like I want to keep going again this year or and like we'll bring it back down to kid level or whatever. But now that I have a little baby, there's so many costumes. I can have them be like a little wizard. Oh No, you know, like a little a little wizard pipe of a beer or whatever. I can do baby Yoda. You can even be Star Wars. Apparently Star Wars is a thing in front renaissance fares, not toccasion. Everybody has their own thing, everything everybody's. It's great because everybody so accepting to that. It's it's awesome. Actually, I remember working at the New Jersey one and this kid, this guy, he probably was a teenager, and he was dressed from dressed from adventure time. He was fit and I saw him and I prob them a little bit aside and I lifted up my skirt a little bit because I had my Jake bloomers on that day. Lost his mind. He's like it's like you've come to the right place. You've come you know, and that was always one thing that I liked about. So I wasn't like a big, rent fair person, but I say hang out in like like I don't just like nerd circles or whatever like it. I say as a Nerd, I can say that that work back but like, like just when I were at least when I was younger, like one of the coolest things ever is like we would like say we were like playing dand or something, and then also like one of the like skater kids are like metal head kids or whatever. Really, like I like, what about this, a little photo whatever, like you guys mind if we play and everyone would just be so excited, like yeah, like come on, you know what I mean, like come join our little like the group or whatever, like it's in so thost circles tend to be like some of the most accepting places where it's like yeah, man, whatever, flose your brote, do your thing, like you know. I feel like it's like you could, like you can't, cosplay as Nazis, like that's basically just don't cosplays of Nazi's or Kakk and your you come in like that's fine. Is the only two rules. Whereas, like I used to hang out a lot of hippies. I do other bits about this, but like I used to hang out a lot of hippies of the communes and stuff, and like there was like rules, right. They don't write them down or anything, but it's just like Oh, you eat me. Well, I mean you can stay the night, but maybe, like long term, this isn't the place for you or whatever. God is, like it always like that kind of stuff. For like you'd say something just like Oh, like those apple watchers look cool and all of sudden you have to listen to like a fifteen minute like spiel about how like this in the that the other thing is unethical and like how dare you like support apple or whatever? Like it was always just like this this judgment right, and then like you'd I hang out with athletes sometimes and they you know, how much can you bench? Like Dude, I'm fucking bench, and they all look at you like you mean you don't work out like so those circles always looked to me. That was always what I liked about. There were like some of the least judgmental places you could exactly exactly, like I said, I know I've enjoyed it and, like I said, the rent fair, you know, whole community, welcome to you, like I was always told. You know, it's like I'm too fat to act, I'm too fat for this, I'm too fat for that, and I'm like what the Hell? I'm like, I totally give up, and then it's like boom, I found like the magic kingdom called the rent fair, and I was like, dude, there's all shapes, there's all sizes, there's, you know, yeah, young ones, old ones, big ones, small ones, thin ones, like what the hell? He's like twenty feet tall, like, dude, this is my plate, it's my circus, you know. In the funny thing is it's like it's almost like renaissance fairs are more real than anywhere else you would act. You know. I mean like I was just talking my wife about this last night. It's like...
...you ever watch one of those like coming of age high school movies and they'll be like Oh, we're going to the party, and they go to like the party and just everybody's crazy hot. Like I'm it's like every everyone of the senior class is going to be at this party. You go there's like wow, that's senior classes, just models, like like literally everyone in the senior classes is a model. You know what I mean? It's so it's like yeah, but I was plenty of parties. Let's see your high school. They didn't look like that. So it's like yeah, so in a way it's like the place where everyone's like pretending is actually more real. Yes, yes, then looks serious. Theater or the you know whatever. HMM, yes, exactly. It's like, become a nerd today. That will save your life right there. That will open up so many opportunities. I mean, look at all these nerd comedians that we have. Yeah, I was actually just somebody just mentioned dating. Right, I'll just mentioned. She's like you should run a DD comy podcast, but there's like a million of them now or whatever. But like that's mind user. But yeah, it's in. I don't want to take up too much time of this actually kind of booked me. This is like last year, but you know how like was it? They came out with this thing called like the DD consent from right, and it was a little like Hokey or whatever, but it was basically a sheet of paper and you it's red light, yellow, like green light, and it would like had these lists of topics. Right, so basically it was stuff like rape and sexual assaults and like, you know, slavery, torture, spiders, like it was a you know, there's like fifty things on this list of things I might like trigger you or make you feel uncomfortable or whatever. The whole point is you just hand it to your players and say like Hey, just let me know if any of this stuff is like out of bounds. Right, we're creating fictions group, so if any of this is out of bounds, let me know and I would make sure you know, take that into a count. And like I don't read it, and facebook groups all like exploded with angry fan boys, which is like you're routing the game if you can't be the ure enough to deal with this lap Lapa Blah, and I don't know, I argue a whole bunch about it. But the thing that bothered me is wearing. When I grew up, like had I was kind of like closeted ther right, because like I hung out a decent wound of partying, my dalter and substances, ands and the like and such. But if I let anybody know that I also, like me in this group of friends like to play this game like you know, occasionally like it would. You just can't like roasted, if not like beat up, like straight up like the shit kicked out of you. For those of you in the audience who don't know, central Wisconsin in the late s wasn't the most tolerant clips in the world and there are, there are, there are more tolerant places, and so like the whole idea that like now, this day and age, we're going to be like exclusive and say like we can't have this, we can't have that. And like there was a bunch of people bitching because there was like fan art of two guy elves like making out. They're just like stopped pushing your agenda down our throats. I was like, can't there just be gay elves? Yeah, it's fantasy. Is maybe not your fantasy, but you know why not? Oh yeah, yeah, well, you know all of their face, like in so many of those guys it's like their fantasy is like I'm Conan and I have a Harem of fifty women and I have a huge sword and big muscles, like it's so like kind of like their own dumb, Hokey, like whatever, like nonsense thing to so, but somebody else's were ye and that always really really bugged me because it was like we being into that kind of nerd stuff where I grew up, because it's like, you know, it's...
...just white people as far as I could see, like, you know all that, like other than like, you know, I was friends with a lot of the gay kids in my high school and like we had a club and stuff, but other than that, being like a hardcore nerd like into like magic, the gathering or dd and stuff like that. I mean, you were gonna get shit for it, like you were like it was gonna be something that you were going to get harassed for. And then, like it's just ironic that twenty years down the line, people are like being exclusive in within the context of this thing that used to be part of the excluded guys. ME, crazy soapbox rant over, if you play good Games, be inclusive and dope a Dick Hole. That's see, that's a great ending. How about that? Hey, I'm glad. I'm glad about that. Well, this has been an amazing first episode of beauty's bits. Thank you for tuning in, everyone again, that's beauties bits with a being out of tea. If you want to tea, check out my only fans. I'm Christine. Thank you, Adam, for being here. Thank you so much for having me. Was Super Fun.
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